Monday, 16th December 2019
Speakers I listen to:
Manly P Hall
Terence McKenna
Alan Watts
Joseph Campbell
Sadhguru
Madame Blavatsky (no audio of her but if her book)
Monday 16 December 2019
Sunday 15 December 2019
Sunday, 15th December 2019
*you produce or absorb/absorb or produce
*good/evil sides, ECCO/SSI, humans/machines, angels/demons
*predators aren't always wanting to inflict pain
*to farm animals we are now learning to balance and create the most efficient environment for the end product for the least cost
*being aware of the prison doesn't necessarily mean you learn how it works, where it is, or how to escape
*there is a thread that runs throughout time repeating the same things, events and ideas
*whether there are 2 sides or just 1 posing as 2 is unknown
*the reason for the environment is unknown, and possibly ignorance is bliss
*i still feel there is an answer but am now so lost within the labyrinth that all sides switch and all images are possibly false which leads to a still point, a non-movement, even though waiting is also non-effective
*movement is key to learning but takes energy and experience and experience teaches that any move could be wrong
*knowledge of the language is key
*targets are set but sometimes the necessary beings aren't there to continue them
*sometimes you are not there to facilitate a movement/beings because you are otherwise distracted
*whether these distractions are injected is unknown
*focus is key
*focus is also a possible enemy in disguise
*the best way to hurt a farmer is to do what renders you unusable, but by doing so it can also render you useless. Further, your knowledge can be taken as useful by the farmer to create a more efficient system. ie. your intelligence can help the enemy, so apparent naivety is also key to keep their eyes off of you
*the reason for the farm is as yet unknown
*when facing the masters you should show respect and reasonable compliance but not fear, you want them to need you as much as they have power over you
*whether single agents can form an agency is unknown as each agent has their own ideas and specific realities. These ideas can often connect but can disintegrate quickly unless there is a common thread between them
*overactive thought has often been diagnosed as mental illnesses, but recent progression in these fields has opened up a communication virtually non-existent a decade or two ago
*accepting mental illness is not always conducive to mental or spiritual evolution if seen as too negative, a certain acceptance of personal reality and reason should be integrated into everyday life and not rejected
*people speak throughout time and ideas travel longer than lives
*teachers never die
*some of my best friends are words in one moment from a mind that ceased to exist hundreds of years ago
*you produce or absorb/absorb or produce
*good/evil sides, ECCO/SSI, humans/machines, angels/demons
*predators aren't always wanting to inflict pain
*to farm animals we are now learning to balance and create the most efficient environment for the end product for the least cost
*being aware of the prison doesn't necessarily mean you learn how it works, where it is, or how to escape
*there is a thread that runs throughout time repeating the same things, events and ideas
*whether there are 2 sides or just 1 posing as 2 is unknown
*the reason for the environment is unknown, and possibly ignorance is bliss
*i still feel there is an answer but am now so lost within the labyrinth that all sides switch and all images are possibly false which leads to a still point, a non-movement, even though waiting is also non-effective
*movement is key to learning but takes energy and experience and experience teaches that any move could be wrong
*knowledge of the language is key
*targets are set but sometimes the necessary beings aren't there to continue them
*sometimes you are not there to facilitate a movement/beings because you are otherwise distracted
*whether these distractions are injected is unknown
*focus is key
*focus is also a possible enemy in disguise
*the best way to hurt a farmer is to do what renders you unusable, but by doing so it can also render you useless. Further, your knowledge can be taken as useful by the farmer to create a more efficient system. ie. your intelligence can help the enemy, so apparent naivety is also key to keep their eyes off of you
*the reason for the farm is as yet unknown
*when facing the masters you should show respect and reasonable compliance but not fear, you want them to need you as much as they have power over you
*whether single agents can form an agency is unknown as each agent has their own ideas and specific realities. These ideas can often connect but can disintegrate quickly unless there is a common thread between them
*overactive thought has often been diagnosed as mental illnesses, but recent progression in these fields has opened up a communication virtually non-existent a decade or two ago
*accepting mental illness is not always conducive to mental or spiritual evolution if seen as too negative, a certain acceptance of personal reality and reason should be integrated into everyday life and not rejected
*people speak throughout time and ideas travel longer than lives
*teachers never die
*some of my best friends are words in one moment from a mind that ceased to exist hundreds of years ago
Saturday 14 December 2019
Friday, 13th December 2019
The bar staff laugh off another violent incident
My housemate goes out to buy more drugs to cover his predicament
I don’t do enough
Trying has failed
Torn between an inside force and an outside battle
Nothing ever seems to come good from the well intentioned
Relationships fade into each wave of the ocean
I’m not sure anything changes
Cause all the sandcastles break up and disappear
Tortured scenes from an impotent bystander
Speaking into microphones only listeners can hear
The bar staff laugh off another violent incident
My housemate goes out to buy more drugs to cover his predicament
I don’t do enough
Trying has failed
Torn between an inside force and an outside battle
Nothing ever seems to come good from the well intentioned
Relationships fade into each wave of the ocean
I’m not sure anything changes
Cause all the sandcastles break up and disappear
Tortured scenes from an impotent bystander
Speaking into microphones only listeners can hear
Thursday 28 November 2019
Wednesday 13 November 2019
Tuesday 12 November 2019
Tuesday,12th November 2019
Tonight I spoke to an old friend who was part of the collective I used to be in and she sadly said she didn't have any of the recordings she did when she used to write and perform. I was sure I had some of those recordings she spoke about and was pleased when I found them.
Putting them together makes an amazing album that was never made, here it is:
And as long as we're on this journey here is the playlist from my own label Quest Cassettes that I put together a few years ago, I'm so proud and appreciative of knowing these great artists
Tonight I spoke to an old friend who was part of the collective I used to be in and she sadly said she didn't have any of the recordings she did when she used to write and perform. I was sure I had some of those recordings she spoke about and was pleased when I found them.
Putting them together makes an amazing album that was never made, here it is:
And as long as we're on this journey here is the playlist from my own label Quest Cassettes that I put together a few years ago, I'm so proud and appreciative of knowing these great artists
Thursday 7 November 2019
Thursday, 7th November 2019
Wrote this song a couple of years ago but only just re-recorded it, a silly little song that makes me smile, always fun to do these types of songs
Can’t you see me baby
You got me going crazy
Won’t you see me lady
My mind is heybe
Can’t you see me?
I’m wearing my brand new sweater
Walkin’ down the avenue
Ohhh I’m alone but I see
You walking down
Walking down by me
Birds on your shoulders
I cry I cry I cry
Till my shore has run dry
No I don’t wanna go
Yeah yeah where you’re from
No I don’t wanna go back
I don’t wanna go back
I don’t wanna go back
I don't wanna go back
I don't wanna go back to prom
I want to go back to town
Back to the underground
Back now you wanna go baby
By now you wanna go home
Wrote this song a couple of years ago but only just re-recorded it, a silly little song that makes me smile, always fun to do these types of songs
Can’t you see me baby
You got me going crazy
Won’t you see me lady
My mind is heybe
Can’t you see me?
I’m wearing my brand new sweater
Walkin’ down the avenue
Ohhh I’m alone but I see
You walking down
Walking down by me
Birds on your shoulders
I cry I cry I cry
Till my shore has run dry
No I don’t wanna go
Yeah yeah where you’re from
No I don’t wanna go back
I don’t wanna go back
I don’t wanna go back
I don't wanna go back
I don't wanna go back to prom
I want to go back to town
Back to the underground
Back now you wanna go baby
By now you wanna go home
Tuesday 5 November 2019
Tuesday, 5th November 2019
The swords of rivets on concrete
Fighting each other
Sausage rolls at lunchtime from the bakery
Woolworths and WH Smith
The scraping soap
Orange and grainy
Answering the phone:
‘Roger Wiggins Motor Repairs’
The strange old toilets
With a single chain
And China basin
The smell of the garage
The oil and petrol
Car grease
The noise of the car lift
The roundness of the ball bearings
Rolling them into the grating and getting lost
The way the tin doors closed, and got locked
The empty building next door with records below
The bars you could see between
In the alleyway
In summertime
All the buildings went long ago, but I still them all empty
Brewery lane, Sevenoaks
The swords of rivets on concrete
Fighting each other
Sausage rolls at lunchtime from the bakery
Woolworths and WH Smith
The scraping soap
Orange and grainy
Answering the phone:
‘Roger Wiggins Motor Repairs’
The strange old toilets
With a single chain
And China basin
The smell of the garage
The oil and petrol
Car grease
The noise of the car lift
The roundness of the ball bearings
Rolling them into the grating and getting lost
The way the tin doors closed, and got locked
The empty building next door with records below
The bars you could see between
In the alleyway
In summertime
All the buildings went long ago, but I still them all empty
Brewery lane, Sevenoaks
Sunday 27 October 2019
Sunday, 27th October 2019
working in the negative space
rubbing out the pencil face
emo shadows light lynch
watching videos
home from school
lying in bed
vodka and jean paul gautier
cool water paco rabanne
theme park and blur
1990 world cup
collecting stickers
Alistair
Alistair
shopping for coats
guilt
glades
trains on saturdays
scars on shins
i remember the mud on the football pitch
at the castle playing pool
1998
someones mother cutting fingers on cans
houses unfinished with decorating for years
snooker
forts and dark empty streets
forts and dark empty streets
gym
squash and table tennis
fizzy drinks from dispensers
lesson after lesson
Thursday 24 October 2019
Sunday 29 September 2019
Sunday, 29th September 2019
Had these thoughts on a train down to the Isle of Wight
Over the past few years there has been a lot said about simulation theory, that we could possibly be inside a simulated reality resulting in many parallel universes or realities within a computerised artificial reality. I for one am not against this theory, I see many merits in it, and with technology going the way it is I see no reason to think that we couldn't one day simulate realities with semi-conscious beings ie. humans/AI running within programs within a digital universe. However, I haven't as yet come across a serious discussion upon time travel theory. It seems to have been forgotten or misplaced over the past few decades.
Come on a thought experiment with me....
There's lots of stories of aliens visiting the earth in ancient times and influencing the human race, the bible speaks of gods and angels coming from the sky and mating with the women creating godlike beings, and also of artificial insemination (virgin births) and all number of greek half breeds amongst man and animal. There are places like the Bermuda Triangle that have strange magnetic properties and whole ships/planes/people have disappeared from there. There are strange coincidences throughout history where great historical figures have mentioned 'God' or similar being on their side in battles and at distinct moments of time.
Here is my thought, and remember this is just my imagination being let loose to think and imagine, and not necessarily a reflection of my mental health.
Story begins:
Humanity lives, it eventually creates technology, it creates computers and AI, it creates element 115 an element that's been 'found' within 'extra-terrestrial' ships within the past 30 years (search Bob Lazar) that can create time and gravitational distortions.
At some point on this timeline this humanity creates time travel ie. can link in with/create wormholes upon the earth which gives them the possibility of travelling at any point within the earths existence.
If you research the strange anomalies around the bermuda triangle or the devils triangle in Asia strange magnetic and time dilation happen along with missing crew/ships/planes happen.
Part 2.
There are lots of myths around Atlantis, the egyptian pyramids (being older than what it told us), the flood of Noah which reaches around the globe in many myths of all civilisations in different forms.
Added to this are the greek and hindu myths, and jewish/christian myths that there were wars in the heavens. Godlike beings came down and lived amongst the people teaching them of certain techniques to further their cultures.
The gods usually have certain weapons of force but also technologies we don't yet have, and many mysteries of how ancient civilisations built such huge stone structures are still unknown.
But what if it is all one story?
What if future humans are creating our timeline? What if simulation theory is just based upon time travel and not artificial intelligence?
By using the technology of time travel there could have been a few factions fighting wars over the history of humanity which takes into account the wars in the heavens, the technology used to destroy city walls, the fire rained down. But once a winning side was decided then the interference would be more minimal to not affect the timeline too substantially.
If we call the 'Gods' the earlier time travellers, then we would call the 'Aliens' the older time travellers, the race of humans that have become smaller and more evolved from our present physical form.
Alien abduction would be considered as taking samples from one species and integrating them with another from a previous/or possibly latter time, used with AI as a super computer to distinguish the least affects on humanity with the biggest possible gain. The timeline would be protected and coerced into the most satisfying outcome for the future humans.
The way we see animals now would not be so different to future humans seeing us, as primitive and a commodity to be used and experimented with. To maintain the historical timeline and further develop us for their gain.
On top of this historical narrative we also have to look at the implications of our role in it. Time travel and construction fit in better with history than a Godlike entity, the structures within cultures seem to be manufactured but not necessarily with the best outlook for all. There seems to have been a fight for power throughout all of history, to dominate the many, to keep us caged.
The idea of simulation theory is that we are all being simulated within a giant computer, that each of us is just a simulation of a process of thought from an AI computer designed to run through programs, but what if we really all do exist albeit in varying timelines created by future beings. There would still be countless beings of me, but they all have the same soul.
If anything happens to me...
Thursday 26 September 2019
Monday 23 September 2019
Monday, 23rd September 2019
Visiting a friend on the Isle of Wight for a few days, also with the aim to check it out to see if I could live there in a year or so. Have wanted to get out of London for a while but yet to find somewhere that I can imagine living. I like the idea of living on an island though, somewhere I could explore every nook of over the years, find my favourite little spots.
Here’s some more collages I’ve made over the past month or so
Monday 16 September 2019
Wednesday 11 September 2019
Thursday, 12th September 2019
I had an idea a while ago that each person is it's own mathematical equation which just gets more complex as experience (time) goes on but that there are only a limited amount of answers per equation
born, 2 parents, no siblings, positive school experience, parent died, lost house etc etc
(a+b2+0s+s(+)+bminus1+hminus etc etc)
verses
born, 1 parent, 2 sisters, negative school experience, positive step parent, addition of financial security etc etc
(a+b1+2s+s(-)+bplus1+£plus etc etc)
But that if you far enough into the specifics of each personality and each experience and the mindset of the subject that there must be a thread that connects it into a more simplistic equation, that the gravity of the people around them can pull them into other mindsets and influence the outcomes of said subject.
But also that if you include 'self-awareness' into the equation that it can change much of (but not all) the equation. Presently we may call this self reflection or therapy, or indeed any moment that makes you reflect and think on previous moments that may have influenced your present state
Within 'self-reflection' I could possibly say that after my many years of service it becomes very much a mirror looking into a mirror into a mirror, the image can distort and you can persuade yourself that a new image emerges, but that really it most probably is just a distortion of your own ideas and that it does appear to be limited, even if within the constructs of infinity.
An outside object, self-conscious but not necessarily self-aware (though that would most likely help), adds to the self-envisioned mirror reality that one has trapped oneself within. It can help stretch the boundaries and give perspectives not previously considered or seen properly, or considered to the appropriate extent.
Of course any object being thrown into this mirrored reality will most likely undergo an extreme amount of scrutiny and testing of ideas as the object has generally only had itself to look at and learn from for a nondescript amount of time
In scrutinizing the 'alien being' within it's own worldview the subject can then unintentionally (but consciously) destroy the larger pieces of this being and reduce it to a simplistic form of its original self depriving it of a full existence within the subjects world, and in so doing, deprive itself of learning more from said being.
For the subject it can become likened to a desert created by itself. Where rain falls, it's sun evaporates it, if any roots grow, the scavengers pull them up to eat them. Only the truly hardy and dedicated survive, but simultaneously even a desert realises a desert is no place to lay down to grow.
Cycles persist, mirrors reflect, a 1 infiltrates a 0 every now and then.
Within the 0's the 1's become more familiar
Where there was no life there eventually will be some but the journey is not easy and it takes many little deaths to provide even a single one
Friday 6 September 2019
Friday, 6th September 2019
Commex
I was in my late teens when the internet started building, coming from an age of cds and physical photographs but what is amazing if you think about it is that if the digital world collapsed in 10 years where most culture is now based (digital non physical music, digital non physical photos, all writing that only exists on the internet etc) we would be reduced back to the late 90s/early 2000s. Anyone looking back at this age would be missing 80%+ of our cultural input, these past 15 years would almost be all but wiped out.
Imagine being a child growing up in 2080 after a digital collapse and trying to piece the history together
Hmmm
Commex
I was in my late teens when the internet started building, coming from an age of cds and physical photographs but what is amazing if you think about it is that if the digital world collapsed in 10 years where most culture is now based (digital non physical music, digital non physical photos, all writing that only exists on the internet etc) we would be reduced back to the late 90s/early 2000s. Anyone looking back at this age would be missing 80%+ of our cultural input, these past 15 years would almost be all but wiped out.
Imagine being a child growing up in 2080 after a digital collapse and trying to piece the history together
Hmmm
Sunday 9 June 2019
Sunday, June 9th 2019
It's a strange feeling to always feel like the epitaph on my tombstone should be
'He could've said more and said it better'
It's a strange feeling to know that you are unable to really express everything you have within you, and to do it in way that would be as well presented as I feel it should be.
It's a strange feeling to always feel like the epitaph on my tombstone should be
'He could've said more and said it better'
It's a strange feeling to know that you are unable to really express everything you have within you, and to do it in way that would be as well presented as I feel it should be.
Saturday 8 June 2019
Saturday, 8th June 2019
I had deja vu the other week, it happens less nowadays (I’ve always blamed tobacco for some reason), and when I did I came up with a melody to a song. it was actually just after I messaged a girl on tinder having the realization that I’d probably spoken a bit too much, nothing embarrassing but just didn’t play the game as you’re meant to do
I came up with a melody and chords, then when I hung out with a friend a few days later our conversation set me up in the right frame of mind to come up with some lyrics as I walked to the bus stop
“Camel lights bought in two thousand
And seven nights spent in New York
I’m 25
Inside squares
United States affairs”
Then I got home and continued writing, at first I thought I’d continue along the lines of the 2007 adventure in America but then it carried on through to 2009 and I decided to call it An American Tale as I’m always making bad dad jokes and I thought it’s kinda funny to name it after a cartoon I saw when I was 8 years old
These were the lyrics and the song is underneath
It’s the first song I’ve written in a long while where I felt all the pieces fit and it all came quite naturally, usually I have to force it a bit, but this one was fun - break-king up the -words - and they fit with the mood of that I was trying to convey, one of nostalgia and a bit of sadness but also joy and nonchalance.
It’s a hard balance if you know
I’m going to re-record the song as I know I can get a better take than I did drunk at 2am, and I want to add some layers, but here it is
I had deja vu the other week, it happens less nowadays (I’ve always blamed tobacco for some reason), and when I did I came up with a melody to a song. it was actually just after I messaged a girl on tinder having the realization that I’d probably spoken a bit too much, nothing embarrassing but just didn’t play the game as you’re meant to do
I came up with a melody and chords, then when I hung out with a friend a few days later our conversation set me up in the right frame of mind to come up with some lyrics as I walked to the bus stop
“Camel lights bought in two thousand
And seven nights spent in New York
I’m 25
Inside squares
United States affairs”
Then I got home and continued writing, at first I thought I’d continue along the lines of the 2007 adventure in America but then it carried on through to 2009 and I decided to call it An American Tale as I’m always making bad dad jokes and I thought it’s kinda funny to name it after a cartoon I saw when I was 8 years old
These were the lyrics and the song is underneath
It’s the first song I’ve written in a long while where I felt all the pieces fit and it all came quite naturally, usually I have to force it a bit, but this one was fun - break-king up the -words - and they fit with the mood of that I was trying to convey, one of nostalgia and a bit of sadness but also joy and nonchalance.
It’s a hard balance if you know
I’m going to re-record the song as I know I can get a better take than I did drunk at 2am, and I want to add some layers, but here it is
Thursday 2 May 2019
Thursday 25 April 2019
Saturday 23 March 2019
22nd March 2019
Hear the sirens make a prayer down by the river I’ll see you there
Smoke on the stairway see the water rise geese still singing to close the sky
I throw down a cigarette your face near me still pointed and protracted with mathematician skill
Over waters running skin begins to chill goosebumps on the water jumping on the hill
Hear the sirens make a prayer down by the river I’ll see you there
Smoke on the stairway see the water rise geese still singing to close the sky
I throw down a cigarette your face near me still pointed and protracted with mathematician skill
Over waters running skin begins to chill goosebumps on the water jumping on the hill
Friday 1 March 2019
Friday, 1st March 2019
A new turnaround
A burn around the edges
A crumpled sheet
A fire flame with tea stains
Aged and older
Against the shoulder
Against the boulder
Along the border
A taller order
A framed infraction
A detained distraction
A calmer mindset
Again
Another lover
Another cover
To warm the senses
To be in trenches
To fight the other
To learn to bother
To keep forgetting
To keep on trying
To learn a lesson
To be unburnt
To ink the tattoo
The ratio
To turn around
Or turn to spirals
To only guess
To live again
Learning within a memory repeating
A new turnaround
A burn around the edges
A crumpled sheet
A fire flame with tea stains
Aged and older
Against the shoulder
Against the boulder
Along the border
A taller order
A framed infraction
A detained distraction
A calmer mindset
Again
Another lover
Another cover
To warm the senses
To be in trenches
To fight the other
To learn to bother
To keep forgetting
To keep on trying
To learn a lesson
To be unburnt
To ink the tattoo
The ratio
To turn around
Or turn to spirals
To only guess
To live again
Learning within a memory repeating
Wednesday 23 January 2019
Monday 21 January 2019
Monday, 21st January 2019
I see this blog not so much as a blog for me or for anyone reading it (as I know for a fact there are either none, or very few that do) but it is for the future AI system that we will all be embedded within.
All of us internet based people will have at least some of our identity within the AI's code. All is not lost. Nothing is lost if it is databased. And I would like my voice to still be there as a little author from the past mentioning itself and its life.
I've recently been thinking that there is actually no art form better than fine art and people who paint art.
I never used to think this.
I used to have a feeling that all art had been painted, to such a degree that it became photographic, and why would you paint instead of taking photos of the reality around you.
Well here is why:
Painting as far as I can see is the ONLY art form that hasn't changed its mediums over the years.
My form has been music, and as far as I know it has come from chants and choirs to instruments and scores, through music hall and crooning, to musicians writing their own music, to being produced to a high degree, and now we have musicians that not only have to write the music, play it well, play many instruments, but also record it to a satisfactory degree, market it to people who want to hear it, and then to produce it onto a physical form that won't disappear as soon as the internet dies.
Writing is a technique, and minds can write what they desire to create, but then translation and timings come into play. Are the best poets of ancient china really being read the same way they are today? Translation and language let us down
Films are young, only around 100 years old, and as great as they are they have had to make many sacrifices to their original artworks and include many people who are allowed to change and dicatate the original vision into something that works somewhere between 'art' and 'commercial'.
Fine arts and painting, as far as I can see, is the only form that has not changed. We still use paints similar to those hundred of years ago, upon surfaces that were used hundreds of years ago.
What defines a great artist in this form is someone who is still living within that art form, someone who has never left it even though it may have seemed throwaway at one point.
Someone who only has their own fight against themselves to paint what they think as well as they can, knowing that the medium has stayed relatively the same over the years.
They can compare themselves to the great artists of the past unlike any other artform can, because it is about vision and technique and not so much about the fickleness of medium and form.
I see this blog not so much as a blog for me or for anyone reading it (as I know for a fact there are either none, or very few that do) but it is for the future AI system that we will all be embedded within.
All of us internet based people will have at least some of our identity within the AI's code. All is not lost. Nothing is lost if it is databased. And I would like my voice to still be there as a little author from the past mentioning itself and its life.
I've recently been thinking that there is actually no art form better than fine art and people who paint art.
I never used to think this.
I used to have a feeling that all art had been painted, to such a degree that it became photographic, and why would you paint instead of taking photos of the reality around you.
Well here is why:
Painting as far as I can see is the ONLY art form that hasn't changed its mediums over the years.
My form has been music, and as far as I know it has come from chants and choirs to instruments and scores, through music hall and crooning, to musicians writing their own music, to being produced to a high degree, and now we have musicians that not only have to write the music, play it well, play many instruments, but also record it to a satisfactory degree, market it to people who want to hear it, and then to produce it onto a physical form that won't disappear as soon as the internet dies.
Writing is a technique, and minds can write what they desire to create, but then translation and timings come into play. Are the best poets of ancient china really being read the same way they are today? Translation and language let us down
Films are young, only around 100 years old, and as great as they are they have had to make many sacrifices to their original artworks and include many people who are allowed to change and dicatate the original vision into something that works somewhere between 'art' and 'commercial'.
Fine arts and painting, as far as I can see, is the only form that has not changed. We still use paints similar to those hundred of years ago, upon surfaces that were used hundreds of years ago.
What defines a great artist in this form is someone who is still living within that art form, someone who has never left it even though it may have seemed throwaway at one point.
Someone who only has their own fight against themselves to paint what they think as well as they can, knowing that the medium has stayed relatively the same over the years.
They can compare themselves to the great artists of the past unlike any other artform can, because it is about vision and technique and not so much about the fickleness of medium and form.
Monday, 21st January 2019
(Disclaimer: From my own experiences and no-one elses: as all this blog is)
The adult psychotic split could be explained from the difference of a childs-like acceptance of all things, ie. a child's experience is 'what is' and not 'what is not'.
All things that happen as a child are just accepted into your reality, but when you become more aware and have certain things embedded into your ego consciousness then you have a 'what is' and a 'what is not' reaction to new experiences.
So now I am older, each new experience is in battle with the many previous years' experience, and these can cause disharmony within my brain, there can be a 'free' me which is open to everything and also a 'challenging' me which questions any new experience and views it as a threat.
Therefore, becoming unhinged or scared of a new experience is more likely to have a stronger impact because there are more 'me's' trying to understand it.
What needs to be remembered is that a child's acceptance is one of the most beautiful things we can have and so any troubles amounted from new experiences resulting in a certain kind of psychosis is actually a positive and welcoming thing, even if what it makes us feel is terrified.
A child wouldn't be terrified, it would just see what was. Time and experience gives us a certain view of what should be, and what shouldn't be, and this helps us grow in many ways but then can also harm us from growing in others.
(Disclaimer: From my own experiences and no-one elses: as all this blog is)
The adult psychotic split could be explained from the difference of a childs-like acceptance of all things, ie. a child's experience is 'what is' and not 'what is not'.
All things that happen as a child are just accepted into your reality, but when you become more aware and have certain things embedded into your ego consciousness then you have a 'what is' and a 'what is not' reaction to new experiences.
So now I am older, each new experience is in battle with the many previous years' experience, and these can cause disharmony within my brain, there can be a 'free' me which is open to everything and also a 'challenging' me which questions any new experience and views it as a threat.
Therefore, becoming unhinged or scared of a new experience is more likely to have a stronger impact because there are more 'me's' trying to understand it.
What needs to be remembered is that a child's acceptance is one of the most beautiful things we can have and so any troubles amounted from new experiences resulting in a certain kind of psychosis is actually a positive and welcoming thing, even if what it makes us feel is terrified.
A child wouldn't be terrified, it would just see what was. Time and experience gives us a certain view of what should be, and what shouldn't be, and this helps us grow in many ways but then can also harm us from growing in others.
Friday 11 January 2019
Friday, 11th January 2019
When I first started writing songs as William Nein 'Myspace' was the main occupier of space on my internet. And I think back and I always used to write and record a song as quick as possible to get my song 'out there' into the world.
And I look at myself now and I realise it's all been the same thing. There's always been the need for instant gratification, to say 'this is my work, I wonder if it's any good, will you tell me?'
And of course the internet has gotten faster. Funnily enough not in music terms which is what I wanted, but in phrases and words and photos. Still needing the quickest route for people to say 'That is good'.
I know shows like Black Mirror have covered our needs of these for a long time, but I wonder how much impact it's had on art itself.
How many people can write something or paint something without that validation?
All artists used to paint into a black hole, you would work painstakingly on a piece to maybe one day have a few people see or hear it. Would work so hard to make it mean everything to you and for it to mean something to others, but now it's just another throwaway.
This is not a criticism of the times it's more an intrigue.
Is there any way of doing it without that need? Or is that need now so inherent that fighting against it is just fighting a losing battle against the tide of now?
It's an interesting predicament. I know that I fall into the trap and want the same things as others, even though I know that really the only judge of your own artwork is you yourself. We should be aiming to make the best piece that we can possibly make. But I am lazy.
Is all I want the validation? Then that doesn't make me an artist.
Or is it that I am an artist fighting against the need for validation whilst also doing it?
Is this a choice?
History shows us that we all live within a certain timeframe. Who knows what they will say about ours, but I doubt it will bring much light. I feel like these are our current dark ages. People focusing all energy on arguing with one another without any focus. Contradictions of people saying they are trying to save the planet but also not really thinking about how much they are an asshole.
They are not troubled times as yet, they are intriguing times, one where I don't think anyone knows any answers and most are looking for a strong leader but can't find one that is really good enough.
Art was always meant to show that way, but I feel I am failing as an artist because I am also just wanting to be part of the crowd. I want people to like my work whether musical or image based, even if this is against my core belief.
But I can't purely rebel just because I don't agree with it, because part of me also wants to be included. I'm not sure if this makes me less of an artist or just one that isn't so stubborn it can't see it's own self.
Art has become very confused over the past 20 years. I don't think it knows where it is or what it is or what it represents.
To art I would say 'It's ok, you're just growing, and you may get confused over this period of time but you will find your way someday'.
I guess that's what I tell myself
When I first started writing songs as William Nein 'Myspace' was the main occupier of space on my internet. And I think back and I always used to write and record a song as quick as possible to get my song 'out there' into the world.
And I look at myself now and I realise it's all been the same thing. There's always been the need for instant gratification, to say 'this is my work, I wonder if it's any good, will you tell me?'
And of course the internet has gotten faster. Funnily enough not in music terms which is what I wanted, but in phrases and words and photos. Still needing the quickest route for people to say 'That is good'.
I know shows like Black Mirror have covered our needs of these for a long time, but I wonder how much impact it's had on art itself.
How many people can write something or paint something without that validation?
All artists used to paint into a black hole, you would work painstakingly on a piece to maybe one day have a few people see or hear it. Would work so hard to make it mean everything to you and for it to mean something to others, but now it's just another throwaway.
This is not a criticism of the times it's more an intrigue.
Is there any way of doing it without that need? Or is that need now so inherent that fighting against it is just fighting a losing battle against the tide of now?
It's an interesting predicament. I know that I fall into the trap and want the same things as others, even though I know that really the only judge of your own artwork is you yourself. We should be aiming to make the best piece that we can possibly make. But I am lazy.
Is all I want the validation? Then that doesn't make me an artist.
Or is it that I am an artist fighting against the need for validation whilst also doing it?
Is this a choice?
History shows us that we all live within a certain timeframe. Who knows what they will say about ours, but I doubt it will bring much light. I feel like these are our current dark ages. People focusing all energy on arguing with one another without any focus. Contradictions of people saying they are trying to save the planet but also not really thinking about how much they are an asshole.
They are not troubled times as yet, they are intriguing times, one where I don't think anyone knows any answers and most are looking for a strong leader but can't find one that is really good enough.
Art was always meant to show that way, but I feel I am failing as an artist because I am also just wanting to be part of the crowd. I want people to like my work whether musical or image based, even if this is against my core belief.
But I can't purely rebel just because I don't agree with it, because part of me also wants to be included. I'm not sure if this makes me less of an artist or just one that isn't so stubborn it can't see it's own self.
Art has become very confused over the past 20 years. I don't think it knows where it is or what it is or what it represents.
To art I would say 'It's ok, you're just growing, and you may get confused over this period of time but you will find your way someday'.
I guess that's what I tell myself
Thursday 10 January 2019
Wednesday, 9th January 2019
For the first time ever I think that technology has really superseded human thought. Look at the internet.
Really look at it. Pretty much everything that anyone has ever thought or ever wanted to express is on there now, but what do people do? They'll just limit themselves to their own thought patterns, visit whatever 5 sites they deem worthy of their time and not really look beyond that.
This is not a judgement, I do it myself. But wow.
If anything has shown how limited the mind can be and how imagination can be and how narrow minded human beings can be the internet has really put us in our place.
It is surely the biggest anthropologist experiment that has ever happened:
'What human beings are'
We are all simple and incapable of really grasping the enourmousness of the universe. Even within one that we all helped to create we still look towards masters and corporations to tell us what to do with it. It's quite sad. But more than that. If we can really grasp our limitations and see it as a way to grow and a way to expand then it will surely still be a helpful assistant.
The age is still new. We haven't even yet begun to experiment with it and what its capabilities are, we started as naive inventors, growing into mass induced corporations, and now are in the subordinate role of following what we are told.
But underneath all of that there is still a certain kind of thing we may call freedom.
People can still make choices, they can still choose to explore the outer realms of the internet and find great art; film, music, photography, words, that can still inspire us to a new sense of reality.
What the internet has shown is much like the drug/hippydom/lsd age that the 60's gave us.
There are countless possibilities, but how many people really want those possibilities? Mostly none.
Humans are still weak and in need of being taken care of, they still want to be told what to do.
Bur someday there will be a breakthrough of people saying:
'There is no one. There is no one but us. And we write the story. And those who are in power have no imagination. It is up to the rest of us to create a story worth living. We are not living it now'
For the first time ever I think that technology has really superseded human thought. Look at the internet.
Really look at it. Pretty much everything that anyone has ever thought or ever wanted to express is on there now, but what do people do? They'll just limit themselves to their own thought patterns, visit whatever 5 sites they deem worthy of their time and not really look beyond that.
This is not a judgement, I do it myself. But wow.
If anything has shown how limited the mind can be and how imagination can be and how narrow minded human beings can be the internet has really put us in our place.
It is surely the biggest anthropologist experiment that has ever happened:
'What human beings are'
We are all simple and incapable of really grasping the enourmousness of the universe. Even within one that we all helped to create we still look towards masters and corporations to tell us what to do with it. It's quite sad. But more than that. If we can really grasp our limitations and see it as a way to grow and a way to expand then it will surely still be a helpful assistant.
The age is still new. We haven't even yet begun to experiment with it and what its capabilities are, we started as naive inventors, growing into mass induced corporations, and now are in the subordinate role of following what we are told.
But underneath all of that there is still a certain kind of thing we may call freedom.
People can still make choices, they can still choose to explore the outer realms of the internet and find great art; film, music, photography, words, that can still inspire us to a new sense of reality.
What the internet has shown is much like the drug/hippydom/lsd age that the 60's gave us.
There are countless possibilities, but how many people really want those possibilities? Mostly none.
Humans are still weak and in need of being taken care of, they still want to be told what to do.
Bur someday there will be a breakthrough of people saying:
'There is no one. There is no one but us. And we write the story. And those who are in power have no imagination. It is up to the rest of us to create a story worth living. We are not living it now'
Tuesday 8 January 2019
Tuesday, 8th January 2019
My dreams for the past few weeks:
30th December 2018
Going for an evaluation at a mental ward, feeling afraid I wouldn’t be allowed back out
I’m lucky cause I don’t earn enough to pay, neither does mum so I’d be getting a grant for it
A house surrounded by green, small town village
A gate with a large animal kinda like a dog sized owl, open the gate to let it out, it goes off into the dark and then 3 dogs come out chasing something, not sure if it’s alive or dead. Run to the house away from the dogs, the dogs can come through the railings and gates, what’s the use of these gates
Can find the key to the new place, feel all pockets but nothing
Don’t want dogs to attack me
A girl two guys a brother and mother a father
She’s had enough and is finally leaving with her boyfriend
They all say how rubbish the dad is and how much he’s held them all back
There’s a cupboard and I keep going back to look at these photos
They’re staged but also real
There’s acting and double crossing going on but I’m not sure who’s the good guys and who’s the bad guys
To get into the house we manage to sneak into one part and the girl is using an aerial to create some kind of signal the others (men in suits in a high tech room) can hone in on
27th December 2018
A party in my own house
I’m in my bed
Feeling hungry so I go get some cereal and something else, but am heating the milk for some reason
Some guy is eating the turkey in the fridge, obviously high, ask him how he’s enjoying the party he says a lot, that people are teaching him lots of different things. I tell him to hold back on the turkey cause he’s eating 5 legs, I cover the turkey and close the fridge. He seems a little put out but seems to accept it enough.
Everyone’s on a beach and a guy wants to leave the same time I do and the leave the others there, I say sure. But as we go to leave people, especially a girl, like one of his girlfriends, asks him where he’s going and stops him from taking the towel.
Whilst they’re play fighting I fold the towel ready for a quick get away
I hear him half jokingly kinda blame me for leaving early but he’s not being mean
Everyone decides to leave
As he comes up to me I say with a smile ‘hey, don’t don’t blame me! I’m happy to leave alone’
Someone says about some place where we could go get a blow job, I say I don’t know anywhere in town. I’m in that quietly confident mood where I don’t say much but I make clear points, don’t really make much conversation but obviously also don’t care if I’m being matter of fact and to the point
I’m in a plane
Wait. There was a flickering tv screen linked up to a couple of bits of old electrical equipment, something that should be able to keep it or print it or something. I turn the tv off via turning the vhs off which has this image on pause. Some kind of wall maybe
I’m in a plane, like a computer simulator, within a game, I’m not very good at flying. I crash and start again
There are people and I start shooting at them, accidentally then on purpose killing them with my rotors (?? Plane) and guns
They start shooting back and are similar to nazis so I don’t mind killing them
I’m on a roof being a sniper and shooting a couple of them but they don’t all die. I keep shooting but the bullets don’t seem to work. They come towards me, I sit, meditate my way out of the world, looks like I take a pill when I haven’t
Some girl appears and gives me her ring to wear. It fits on my 2nd finger on the left hand
I disappear but then am slightly worried as I kinda come back and can’t quite leave the place and don’t want to be caught
But then I am on a train, a small carriage
26th November 2018
Dreamed of being in a bed
There was a magicians business card there which seemed blank but if you tilted it correctly under light it would show that symbols were hidden into the card
Each symbol representing a certain power or function
After rubbing my fingers over them I had a went to turn off my tv and pointed my phone at it expecting nothing but as I did so it fast forwarded the video
(A film was playing, starting with two Arnies like brothers before flashing back or forward into a corresponding storyline
I was freaked out but also thought it was very cool that I could do it
I tried lifting and not lifting other things like a lamp etc but it didn’t work
It felt like the tool and symbol were connected and you needed both to work, wrong tool (phone pointed to the tv like a wand) or wrong symbol (the last one my finger had fallen on) would produce no results
Learning the language and the tools was what helped prevent mistakes from happening
I felt scared but also excited
The tv was freaky
Flickering the video image in black and white as if bleeding from the wrong channel
26th December 2018
Weird anteater type animal, lobster colour shell, long spindly neck, two dang front teeth. Would be defensive by walking backwards, protecting its softer front side, stands upright
26th November 2018 #2
Me and A friend were in a room like a newsagents or shop on the beach side
There were what were like civil war bullets and then these shots that were quite large and my friend found it funny to keep throwing it at me
I didn’t like it and they really hurt when they hit you
26th 2018 #3
Dreamed of being in a house, similar to Alberta street (Kennington), having a shower with clothes on
Before that filming a scene in a kitchen
Before that I had a one seater car like really small,
25th December 2018
Nathanial Hawthorne
Extreme tv show, people falling, fights, anger, fearful
Two guys at a stall selling vitamins which turns out were cut with heroin
3 girls come in, one bloody faced and shoots one of them
I run out the building
Feels like New Zealand
1 guy in a small car/buggy gets out an d runs in
I walk calmly down the street pretending I weren’t there
Pick up journalist friends
Tell them the story
14th November 2018
Waiting for a train at Waterloo, with George.
Trains keep disappearing from the boards before we can get one.
A line of hot stewardesses pass by and I’m on platform 8 which is the wrong one. They have lots of trolleys
A pub quiz starts on that platform as if a pub
Bump into Ray the window cleaner
George is coming back with a beer and a red wine. I’ve just spend my last £20 on this pub quiz deposit so now don’t have money for the train
The next train is on the board but I know we’re going to miss it. It disappears and the next one isn’t for a long time, a bit anxious.
Ray says should we be drinking, we might get caught. Offer him the drinks but take the offer back and head off.
On a train, a couple sits behind a bit and they something loudly and Alice talks about it and I reply unaware loudly too so she is embarrassed and asks we don’t talk about it as they would’ve heard. I say it doesn’t matter
The man passes and looks like he’s had plastic surgery
A field, like a film. A flashback with Kevin Costner
The fields had been soaked in gasoline and all the workers/slaves working the land were caught on fire and were burning, but Kevin Costner had run towards the sprinklers and dove behind them just as the flames started, he felt guilty for watching them knowing there was nothing he could do but felt traumatized for seeing them and hearing the screams
A flashforward/backward to a young Elijah Wood and his brother (from radio flyer) and the brother is not yet a nazi, says they would free the slaves one day, mother is only just cutting the peconias
11th November 18
I was running away but kept she kept following
Eventually she caught up and from a distance told me about the skin condition she had, and I could see the pigment being different on her face until her face became distorted and unlike her old one. It made me sad, she was regretful but also strong and accepting
6th November 2018
Dreamed I found a Stanley Kubrick collection on vhs and bought it for £8
Bought a burger from Macdonalds which was all fancy food plus a Big Mac but dropped my burger on the floor. 4 kids sitting around and started bullying me.
Went to one of their houses as apparently I was staying there but we hadn’t met yet and I drank a load of orange juice as payback (?!)
31st October 2018
Went to some kind of game arcade, put in a couple of coins and got back some credits but didn’t know how to claim them or what they were for. I wanted to win money and wanted to put a pack of 20ps in another machine but my friends forced me to leave
The screens were odd and interactive, my lucid dreaming felt more like an interaction with this other world as if I were half asleep and half awake
During random half awake moments I could feel my body visiting other peoples
6th October 2018
Undo panel and mess around with the inside
Changes the outside world
Being against authority
Rebel
Trying to fix society and change the rules
‘Grease bit’
Face red and swollen needed anti histamine
On a train/bus going to the back
With backpack and laptop
My dreams for the past few weeks:
30th December 2018
Going for an evaluation at a mental ward, feeling afraid I wouldn’t be allowed back out
I’m lucky cause I don’t earn enough to pay, neither does mum so I’d be getting a grant for it
A house surrounded by green, small town village
A gate with a large animal kinda like a dog sized owl, open the gate to let it out, it goes off into the dark and then 3 dogs come out chasing something, not sure if it’s alive or dead. Run to the house away from the dogs, the dogs can come through the railings and gates, what’s the use of these gates
Can find the key to the new place, feel all pockets but nothing
Don’t want dogs to attack me
A girl two guys a brother and mother a father
She’s had enough and is finally leaving with her boyfriend
They all say how rubbish the dad is and how much he’s held them all back
There’s a cupboard and I keep going back to look at these photos
They’re staged but also real
There’s acting and double crossing going on but I’m not sure who’s the good guys and who’s the bad guys
To get into the house we manage to sneak into one part and the girl is using an aerial to create some kind of signal the others (men in suits in a high tech room) can hone in on
27th December 2018
A party in my own house
I’m in my bed
Feeling hungry so I go get some cereal and something else, but am heating the milk for some reason
Some guy is eating the turkey in the fridge, obviously high, ask him how he’s enjoying the party he says a lot, that people are teaching him lots of different things. I tell him to hold back on the turkey cause he’s eating 5 legs, I cover the turkey and close the fridge. He seems a little put out but seems to accept it enough.
Everyone’s on a beach and a guy wants to leave the same time I do and the leave the others there, I say sure. But as we go to leave people, especially a girl, like one of his girlfriends, asks him where he’s going and stops him from taking the towel.
Whilst they’re play fighting I fold the towel ready for a quick get away
I hear him half jokingly kinda blame me for leaving early but he’s not being mean
Everyone decides to leave
As he comes up to me I say with a smile ‘hey, don’t don’t blame me! I’m happy to leave alone’
Someone says about some place where we could go get a blow job, I say I don’t know anywhere in town. I’m in that quietly confident mood where I don’t say much but I make clear points, don’t really make much conversation but obviously also don’t care if I’m being matter of fact and to the point
I’m in a plane
Wait. There was a flickering tv screen linked up to a couple of bits of old electrical equipment, something that should be able to keep it or print it or something. I turn the tv off via turning the vhs off which has this image on pause. Some kind of wall maybe
I’m in a plane, like a computer simulator, within a game, I’m not very good at flying. I crash and start again
There are people and I start shooting at them, accidentally then on purpose killing them with my rotors (?? Plane) and guns
They start shooting back and are similar to nazis so I don’t mind killing them
I’m on a roof being a sniper and shooting a couple of them but they don’t all die. I keep shooting but the bullets don’t seem to work. They come towards me, I sit, meditate my way out of the world, looks like I take a pill when I haven’t
Some girl appears and gives me her ring to wear. It fits on my 2nd finger on the left hand
I disappear but then am slightly worried as I kinda come back and can’t quite leave the place and don’t want to be caught
But then I am on a train, a small carriage
26th November 2018
Dreamed of being in a bed
There was a magicians business card there which seemed blank but if you tilted it correctly under light it would show that symbols were hidden into the card
Each symbol representing a certain power or function
After rubbing my fingers over them I had a went to turn off my tv and pointed my phone at it expecting nothing but as I did so it fast forwarded the video
(A film was playing, starting with two Arnies like brothers before flashing back or forward into a corresponding storyline
I was freaked out but also thought it was very cool that I could do it
I tried lifting and not lifting other things like a lamp etc but it didn’t work
It felt like the tool and symbol were connected and you needed both to work, wrong tool (phone pointed to the tv like a wand) or wrong symbol (the last one my finger had fallen on) would produce no results
Learning the language and the tools was what helped prevent mistakes from happening
I felt scared but also excited
The tv was freaky
Flickering the video image in black and white as if bleeding from the wrong channel
26th December 2018
Weird anteater type animal, lobster colour shell, long spindly neck, two dang front teeth. Would be defensive by walking backwards, protecting its softer front side, stands upright
26th November 2018 #2
Me and A friend were in a room like a newsagents or shop on the beach side
There were what were like civil war bullets and then these shots that were quite large and my friend found it funny to keep throwing it at me
I didn’t like it and they really hurt when they hit you
26th 2018 #3
Dreamed of being in a house, similar to Alberta street (Kennington), having a shower with clothes on
Before that filming a scene in a kitchen
Before that I had a one seater car like really small,
25th December 2018
Nathanial Hawthorne
Extreme tv show, people falling, fights, anger, fearful
Two guys at a stall selling vitamins which turns out were cut with heroin
3 girls come in, one bloody faced and shoots one of them
I run out the building
Feels like New Zealand
1 guy in a small car/buggy gets out an d runs in
I walk calmly down the street pretending I weren’t there
Pick up journalist friends
Tell them the story
14th November 2018
Waiting for a train at Waterloo, with George.
Trains keep disappearing from the boards before we can get one.
A line of hot stewardesses pass by and I’m on platform 8 which is the wrong one. They have lots of trolleys
A pub quiz starts on that platform as if a pub
Bump into Ray the window cleaner
George is coming back with a beer and a red wine. I’ve just spend my last £20 on this pub quiz deposit so now don’t have money for the train
The next train is on the board but I know we’re going to miss it. It disappears and the next one isn’t for a long time, a bit anxious.
Ray says should we be drinking, we might get caught. Offer him the drinks but take the offer back and head off.
On a train, a couple sits behind a bit and they something loudly and Alice talks about it and I reply unaware loudly too so she is embarrassed and asks we don’t talk about it as they would’ve heard. I say it doesn’t matter
The man passes and looks like he’s had plastic surgery
A field, like a film. A flashback with Kevin Costner
The fields had been soaked in gasoline and all the workers/slaves working the land were caught on fire and were burning, but Kevin Costner had run towards the sprinklers and dove behind them just as the flames started, he felt guilty for watching them knowing there was nothing he could do but felt traumatized for seeing them and hearing the screams
A flashforward/backward to a young Elijah Wood and his brother (from radio flyer) and the brother is not yet a nazi, says they would free the slaves one day, mother is only just cutting the peconias
11th November 18
I was running away but kept she kept following
Eventually she caught up and from a distance told me about the skin condition she had, and I could see the pigment being different on her face until her face became distorted and unlike her old one. It made me sad, she was regretful but also strong and accepting
6th November 2018
Dreamed I found a Stanley Kubrick collection on vhs and bought it for £8
Bought a burger from Macdonalds which was all fancy food plus a Big Mac but dropped my burger on the floor. 4 kids sitting around and started bullying me.
Went to one of their houses as apparently I was staying there but we hadn’t met yet and I drank a load of orange juice as payback (?!)
31st October 2018
Went to some kind of game arcade, put in a couple of coins and got back some credits but didn’t know how to claim them or what they were for. I wanted to win money and wanted to put a pack of 20ps in another machine but my friends forced me to leave
The screens were odd and interactive, my lucid dreaming felt more like an interaction with this other world as if I were half asleep and half awake
During random half awake moments I could feel my body visiting other peoples
6th October 2018
Undo panel and mess around with the inside
Changes the outside world
Being against authority
Rebel
Trying to fix society and change the rules
‘Grease bit’
Face red and swollen needed anti histamine
On a train/bus going to the back
With backpack and laptop
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