Sunday, 28th November 2021

The Gnostic Gospels - centreplace

 Saturday, 27th November 2021

Slightly remixed one of the songs from back in 2019/20:

William Nein · Headlights (Second Hand Stories - 2020)

HEADLIGHTS
I lie above my fallen teeth and crouch under a bed beneath
Cupboards that begin to creak as soon as I start to sleep
I wake and call you on the phone, cables wrapped around my bones
Wires begin coupling to notify the signalmen
Behind bars they sit and wait, sticks balancing empty plates
Someone tunes the radio to a song that we both know
As I sing you start to dance, a hollow victory romance
With nothing we decide to drive, with nothing we can survive
Leaving town and taking notes, ghosts living in empty coats
Keeping warm as prison walls tumble down like waterfalls
Tales and cities flicking screens lighting up like gasoline
And as the car is turning slow I roll down the window
Hearing words come from the street, the wind's telling me a secret
Driving blindly into cars, headlights looking like the stars
Sirens calling in the street, stopping signs is where we meet
In silence we begin to run, off before the starting gun
Head along the waters edge, jumping from the window ledge
Tied up fall into the sea, drowning just like Houdini
Underwater we can fly, up above the surface lies
As the salt turns into our skin, we disappear and merge again

Friday, 12th November 2021

Fragmented thoughts - I've been reading alot at work lately as there has tended to be plenty of time to do so. Words to the Wise by Manly P Hall, I picked up a copy of Madame Blavatsky's biography and read a few pages, started work on Hamlets Mill where even though I've only read little more than the introduction it's been a wonder, that then got me onto looking into Isaac Netwons Papers by Sarah Dry, which then made me read a little of his Chronology. So there's a muddle of ideas and thoughts in my head right now. I may start to write posts more in a jagged form or fragments simply because I'm just stringing ideas together without really analysing them first.

Facebook > Meta - how geometric shapes come to mind, how the macro and micro are images of themselves. If we can witness the birth of a metaverse which people will no doubt begin to live in within the next decade or so, how can we relate that to our own current reality?
Have we forgotten the universe that lies outside of our current one like many will forget this one once conditioned to the metaverse?

I ask myself what is it that the company really wants? Because people who live within a computerised reality won't really be able to work and offer money, so it can't be financial. They also have focused on acquiring people's data for years now, so is it some kind of spirit draining entity, one that takes your mental energy, soul if you like, and is that the thing that it desires? 

Like the micro crystal to the snowflake, how do we compare and contrast that world with our current one? Have we been duped into a half-conscious sleep where we work, pay rent, eat, survive, and let our spirit and soul get sucked out of us. Is the metaverse a new solution for an old problem? People start to wake up so they must put us back to sleep again, create a new layer, another dimension, to make us forget who we really are. To make us weaker in the outside world. For surely once all power is placed in the hands of the few with the energy supply and the cloudspace, and we are all entrenched in living within that reality, that our bodies and mental faculties degrade in this current world. Which again makes me wonder what have we lost from the past that we are not even aware of. When you never had it you can't really miss it. However, I always have felt like I am missing something, something doesn't add up, doesn't feel right about this place. I'll keep searching and keep my eyes out, keep reading, keep trying to not go insane, and try to keep my shit together, not get too lonely, or sad, or angry, but to keep hope and to keep learning from the masters of old, to try an untangle parts of the riddle, all the time knowing it's all just a bit of a game really.

Saturday, 6th November 2021

I just want to say sorry to anyone I've ever hurt or upset. I know they most likely won't ever read this but there's the need to share it somewhere. I'm a person with many faults and I feel the weight of them every day, of every word I've ever said, every misunderstanding, every impulsive move I've ever made and their consquences. I've never seen myself as a malicious person and I don't wish any harm to anyone but the simple act of existing seems to create situations where I wished I had acted differently, to have known the things I know now, and to know the mistakes I will make in the future and to avoid them.
Call it mental illness, call it ignorance or lack of sense, call it whatever you feel it to be. I have no right to expect anything from anyone, any understanding or forgiveness. How people will see things and how I will see things will always have moments of disconnect. But that doesn't mean I don't feel the guilt and shame every day of wishing those people understood where I was coming from, and it doesn't change the fact that I wish I could express myself better and in more positive ways so they wouldn't feel those things in the first place.

I just want everyone to know that I'm sorry, and that if I could have never hurt anyone I would be so pleased, but I have, and I take full responsibility for it. There aren't excuses in this world really, but I always wish that I could do better

Saturday, 30th October 2021

Thoughts of today:

I have felt spiritually as an adult-child who’s had to look after other children. Acting knowledgeable and mature whilst actually still being immature myself.

This isn’t a self-reprimand but just an observation. I don’t need to heap the pressure on myself to be the one that tries to fix things or push to get people to do things they aren't interested in or are not ready for. Much like an overbearing child in the playground barking orders, maybe with the best of intentions but still a child and ignorantly acting more mature than they really are.

Understanding that by thinking ‘I’m just trying to help’ and feeling responsible for others' wellbeing or predicaments is an arrogance. It may be well-intentioned but it is based upon the foundation of feeling you know something that others do not and therefore it is somewhat condescending.

To acknowledge that you are still a child, that actually you don’t know all that much, and that you should restrain yourself from taking responsibility for others takes the pressure off of your shoulders. The weight that you have placed there yourself.

To be selfish and say ‘I do not know, therefore I will try to help myself before trying to help others’ is actually more useful than trying to help others when you can’t even help yourself.

From a young age: ‘looking out for’ or ‘trying to protect’ or ‘taking charge of’.

These things within themselves can be seen as ‘good’ attributes. But that is taking on the weight of other peoples problems or lessons.

‘Who is looking after you?’ Is an important question because if you are looking after others and no one is really looking after you then how can you be sure you’re really doing a good job.

By saying to yourself: ‘Here I am, looking after all these people, and yet noone is looking after me!’ Is a surefire way to instill anger, frustration and resentment within yourself.

It is not their job to look after you or believe you deserve some sort of reciprocation, the fact is is that it’s not your responsibility to look after them at all.

And you don't need to.

Look after yourself and take the weight of others off of your shoulders, focus on yourself and you won’t carry around so much pressure or negativity.

You take on other peoples burdens because you can actually 'feel' it. You feel their struggle and you incorporate it into yourself and so you imagine you have taken some of the burden from them and so you act as if you are owed something for taking on this burden. But they still hold it, it’s just that you have now taken on some form of it too. One that is purely self-invented, somewhat imaginary, and now slightly disconnected from the original burden they held.

Maybe this makes a difference but it also may not.

It may all just be a burden you now carry without any help to others and so you haven’t really helped at all, and so you should not think that anybody ever owes you anything

 Monday, 18th October 2021

 

 Friday, 15th October 2021

How has it taken me 6 years to hear Joanna Newsom's album Divers. Instantly fell in love with this track so still haven't heard the whole thing but I know I'm going to revisit it often.

 

I probably listened to her less after the album 'Have one on me' because I didn't connect with it at the time and I thought maybe 'YS' was too much of a masterpiece to follow. Her voice changed on it and it all felt a bit less familiar, almost like a different artist altogether. But this album 'Divers' is like being re-acquainted with an old friend and I've listened to 'Leaving the City' about 6 times and watched live performances of it. Definitely one of my favourites.

I also came across a self-recording/releasing artist from Wellington NZ on Bandcamp whilst doing a bit of exploring. This album is from 2015 and is probably my favourite find of the past 3+ years, extremely unique and covers a range of styles, all with a sense of adventure and experimentation, but well-crafted and performed. Daniel Johann has an awful lot of talent and if I could attempt to make music anything like this I would because I think it's fantastic.

 Sunday, 10th October 2021

 

How did I not know Arthur Russell do an album with one of the Modern Lovers? Just came across it. Music's wonderful beause you always find something new/old

 

 

 Wednesday, 6th October 2021

An old song I used to listen to and re-found online recently

makrou · Herman Dune - Suburbs With You

 Saturday, 18th September 2021

Tuesday, 31st August 2021

I'm sitting alone in a friends flat down in Easbourne. I have the whole place to myself for the next 3 days. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I got here at about 7:30pm, went shopping, bought some food and wine. Watched an episode of 'Tales from the Loop'. Smoked a couple of cigarettes outside. Tried filming a live version of one of my songs which didn't work out for various reasons.

Now I'm listening to an old acquaintance's song https://megadud.bandcamp.com/track/sad-dog-waiting-for-pizza and thinking. Wrote the last piece and have now started this one.

I guess this one is more for a snapshot of time than anything else. But who knows? Anything can go anywhere if we let it.

So let's let it.

--

How heartbroken are you? I myself am and have always been very heartbroken.

Do you think there's a way out of the heartbreak you feel?
I still hope there is but have very little faith now. It would almost have to be an otherworldly experience. Or the almost nigh impossible hope that someone from the past would actually change their opinions.
But I find that no-one ever seems to do that. I wonder why. I wonder if I also don't?

So far it my personal experience is that your existence is very very personal, as in no-one else seems to really understand or even have the desire to understand it.
This isn't a 'poor me' stance, merely one that I have experienced, and I can't tell if that's because we are all ultimately very self-obsessed with our own story and don't give time to others, or if we just haven't found a way to connect them.

I don't hate anyone I've ever known. I have felt extreme disappointment and had my heart broken by many, but I always wish them happiness after our chapter is finished.
I tend to hold on too much to my past. And only recently am I trying a new way, a way to leave the past behind.
This isn't based on anything other than the simple question 'How does this person make me feel?'
If overall I feel bad within myself then I am now trying to let the past go. Often it seems that they have already done so but I am simply lagging behind.
No maliciousness, simply trying to find a more positive path.
I still hold very strong feelings for my friends when I was 12/13/14 but they have long since left me behind, so it seems silly to still carry those feelings of grief after 25 years.
And taking that thought forward it seems silly to carry grief for people who don't seem to share your feelings, whether that was 10 / 5 or 2 years ago.
 

The more past you carry on your shoulders the harder it is to move forward.
I constantly have about 15 years on my back. So forgive me if I look or act tired.

Tuesday, 31st August 2021

I'm not sure when my generation were sold the 'everything will be fine' lie or who society created it but I find it very confusing and disappointing.

Growing up in the 90's I had a very unrealistic view of the future. My parents had worked their way up to self-employment and a relatively succesful car mechanic business.

Was it my parents naivete and ignorance of how the world worked, or was it just different back then? In the 80's the idea that you could one day own a house and have a family wasn't an impossible dream. I wonder if their experience in doing so was somehow red herring, that actually they didn't realise that they had been in an affluent time, and somewhat lucky in their success. That actually when it all fell apart and their children would attempt to do the same that it was basically an impossible task.

Generation x got the depression of the realization that it was all over, but still they had the opportunity to succeed at that, as the boom of the 80s didn’t crash till the late 90s

The millennials had to deal with the depressive/hopeless 90s and the realization that they would struggle through any kind of career with any meaning as well as having the collapse of the industry’s they were brought up on

The generation after had grown up on negativity and pessimism and so actually that worked in their favour as they decided to find a new way and that new way was via the Internet. The only structure left to create and profit from and that negativity didn’t work anymore so they became overly positive in their outward persona.

And I would guess that a positive outlook improves your chances at success, as most people do want to feel positive and they see that as a good trait to have

Now I am writing this drunk, I have no experience in studying history or sociology in any educacational form, and so I am most probably wrong on many things. 

But again we would have to say that 50 years ago people could share opinions and maybe educational background wasn't seen as such a necessity, maybe it would just be spoken about in a pub or cafe, and then their friends would share their opinions.

But we don't live in that world now. If I were to share any idea or opinion online it would be torn apart in seconds by someone better educated or clearer with their words, or simply someone having a more popular opinion. And this is where we suffer. I feel like we are entering a world where you cannot actually express yourself without ridicule or someone demeaning you. And there is usually no reason for that to happen as the person is just as ignorant as you in some other way. 

I was reading a book earlier from the early 1900's, just a person sharing their thoughts and views of the world, and I was reminded how rare that is nowadays. We so often put other peoples views ahead of our own and become afraid to share our own as we maybe haven't got them all quite figured out just yet. But that is the idea behind collaboration and working together and not tearing each other down which is where I find myself too often today.

It kindof made me want to become a writer someday

 Wednesday, 18th August 2021

Endgame

William Nein · Endgame

Eradicate all the weeds that grow
In a mind - suffocate and overthrow
Keep the cells under control
Line them up into another row

Friendly fires face the foe
Shooting arrows with a stringless bow
While we sink when tides are low
Rising waters will someday overflow

In fortress jails we are reborn
Learning history with the pages torn
Lives we never had we mourn
As games are played blindly as a pawn

Some will aim for the other side
Some will try to find a place to hide
Some will confront attack and die
Some will survive inside a disguise

Tuesday, 3rd August 2021

Just heard this song at the end of an episode of 'Togetherness', of which I recommend, Mark Duplass never seems to disappoint.

One of those songs that hit me instantly as a modern classic, and though it was back in 2015 I consider that very modern for me. Beautiful voice and melody.

 

Lower Dens - Ondine

 Thursday, 15th July 2021

William Nein · In The Garden

Administer youth cure
On cubed sugar
Startled horses
Stampede

Sketched by a ghost muse
Wearing ash boots
As velvet houses
Recede

Yeah

Inject thought replacement
Automatic creation
Shepherd treasures
Buried

Circus valentine
Echoes throw time
Joyless pleasures
Precede me

What came before
The voice was ignored
Inside the garden?

Bloodied desk beast
The lunchtime deceased
The primitive decrease
Slowly

Ringed bell commotion
Crowded demotion
The saints are marching
Endlessly

Falling through doors and
The cosmic flooring
Bored underground and
Wait in rooms crawling for
The stars to call my
Books are erasing but
One word is left

 Tuesday, 13th July 2021

'Senseless Things', a band that I felt sounded familiar but have never actually listened to. From my old town for 3 years Twickenham, back in the late 80's. Their first album Postcard C.V. got me excited to hear new (old) music again, and wanting to get it on vinyl or cassette. Whole thing is great.

Monday, 21st June 2021

Masking tape forget all the faces
Covering my tracks and traces
Leaking like Red Dwarf in stasis
Better go and close the suitcases
You’ll never get to no new places
Like an animal on a farm grazes
Stumbling with tied up laces
Looking for another oasis

Waking up to go through the paces
Slowing down a day at the races
Brainwashing with average phrases
Poetry and drama need stages
Smiling no longer needs braces
With government and alien bases
Seeking to avoid all the tasers
Flowers boom and break all the vases

Etiquette forgets all the graces
Furniture allowing the lazes
Losing yourself inside mazes
Furnacing the fire as it blazes
Locking doors of all of the cages
Frozen ice caps over the ages
Blowing up and watching the gauges
Fingers burn and turning the pages 

William Nein · Elastoplast Gasmask

Tuesday, 15th June 2021

A thought I had a few months ago but only just now putting up

Much like the magnetic fields that surround the earth are from the molten iron in the earths core spinning around, the heart pumps iron rich blood around our body creating our own magnetic field around ourself.
Taking your shoes off and being connected to the ground will actually ground you, the electric that runs through the earth won't be disconnected by the rubber soles on your feet. It is important to take off your shoes once in a while and be connected to the earth. If you go for a walk you may feel the breeze but usually you are not actually touching anything, so that sense is usually not being used.

In regards to the magnetic fields around our body it could also be the case that our soul/spirit is being held in by these fields, and that once the heart stops, the blood stops circulating, the iron is no longer molten, and our fields disappear, letting our spirits escape from our body to travel to wherever they go next.

 Friday, 28th May 2021

The troll and the minion holding dominion over them all
Like slugs on rugs, or slouches on couches
But no drinking
No stinking locks on the door
Pay the toll before you can roll one up
And smoke outside
The dirty floor
Shoes off before you tread
Upstairs to escape
The dead eyes glued to TV lies
Keep on growing with unknowing
Going and throwing her boyfriend out
Of the car on the motorway
'Cause he stayed out too late
Or left the toaster out on the kitchen top
Or didn't do the washing up, or didn't mop
The dirty floor
As her laundry fills up the drum
It's always there
As a reminder
That she doesn't care
That no-one's exists apart from her
Another monologue to vent
The audience all pay rent
But all that's spent is their energy and patience
A complacent patient
Needing an operation
Dilapidation of body and mind
To be cruel and unkind
Glad to be out
Throw away the soap
And deodorant
Opera

Monday, 22nd May 2021

Thursday, 20th May 2021

An old blog post that I'm not sure I posted publicly - The Bob Lazar documentary is on Netflix

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, 29th September 2019

Had these thoughts on a train down to the Isle of Wight

Over the past few years there has been a lot said about simulation theory, that we could possibly be inside a simulated reality resulting in many parallel universes or realities within a computerised artificial reality. I for one am not against this theory, I see many merits in it, and with technology going the way it is I see no reason to think that we couldn't one day simulate realities with semi-conscious beings ie. humans/AI running within programs within a digital universe. However, I haven't as yet come across a serious discussion upon time travel theory. It seems to have been forgotten or misplaced over the past few decades.

Come on a thought experiment with me....

There's lots of stories of aliens visiting the earth in ancient times and influencing the human race, the bible speaks of gods and angels coming from the sky and mating with the women creating godlike beings, and also of artificial insemination (virgin births) and all number of greek half breeds amongst man and animal. There are places like the Bermuda Triangle that have strange magnetic properties and whole ships/planes/people have disappeared from there. There are strange coincidences throughout history where great historical figures have mentioned 'God' or similar being on their side in battles and at distinct moments of time.

Here is my thought, and remember this is just my imagination being let loose to think and imagine, and not necessarily a reflection of my mental health.

Story begins:
Humanity lives, it eventually creates technology, it creates computers and AI, it creates element 115 an element that's been 'found' within 'extra-terrestrial' ships within the past 30 years (search Bob Lazar) that can create time and gravitational distortions.
At some point on this timeline this humanity creates time travel ie. can link in with/create wormholes upon the earth which gives them the possibility of travelling at any point within the earths existence.
If you research the strange anomalies around the bermuda triangle or the devils triangle in Asia strange magnetic and time dilation happen along with missing crew/ships/planes happen.

Part 2.
There are lots of myths around Atlantis, the egyptian pyramids (being older than what it told us), the flood of Noah which reaches around the globe in many myths of all civilisations in different forms.
Added to this are the greek and hindu myths, and jewish/christian myths that there were wars in the heavens. Godlike beings came down and lived amongst the people teaching them of certain techniques to further their cultures.
The gods usually have certain weapons of force but also technologies we don't yet have, and many mysteries of how ancient civilisations built such huge stone structures are still unknown.

But what if it is all one story?

What if future humans are creating our timeline? What if simulation theory is just based upon time travel and not artificial intelligence?

By using the technology of time travel there could have been a few factions fighting wars over the history of humanity which takes into account the wars in the heavens, the technology used to destroy city walls, the fire rained down. But once a winning side was decided then the interference would be more minimal to not affect the timeline too substantially.
If we call the 'Gods' the earlier time travellers, then we would call the 'Aliens' the older time travellers, the race of humans that have become smaller and more evolved from our present physical form.
Alien abduction would be considered as taking samples from one species and integrating them with another from a previous/or possibly latter time, used with AI as a super computer to distinguish the least affects on humanity with the biggest possible gain. The timeline would be protected and coerced into the most satisfying outcome for the future humans.

The way we see animals now would not be so different to future humans seeing us, as primitive and a commodity to be used and experimented with. To maintain the historical timeline and further develop us for their gain.

On top of this historical narrative we also have to look at the implications of our role in it. Time travel and construction fit in better with history than a Godlike entity, the structures within cultures seem to be manufactured but not necessarily with the best outlook for all. There seems to have been a fight for power throughout all of history, to dominate the many, to keep us caged.

The idea of simulation theory is that we are all being simulated within a giant computer, that each of us is just a simulation of a process of thought from an AI computer designed to run through programs, but what if we really all do exist albeit in varying timelines created by future beings. There would still be countless beings of me, but they all have the same soul.

If anything happens to me...

---------

Ezekiel in Babylon

1 In the thirtieth year, in the fourth month, on the fifth day of the month, as I was among the exiles by the Chebar canal, the heavens were opened, and I saw visions of God.[a] 2 On the fifth day of the month (it was the fifth year of the exile of King Jehoiachin), 3 the word of the Lord came to Ezekiel the priest, the son of Buzi, in the land of the Chaldeans by the Chebar canal, and the hand of the Lord was upon him there.
The Glory of the Lord

4 As I looked, behold, a stormy wind came out of the north, and a great cloud, with brightness around it, and fire flashing forth continually, and in the midst of the fire, as it were gleaming metal.[b] 5 And from the midst of it came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance: they had a human likeness, 6 but each had four faces, and each of them had four wings. 7 Their legs were straight, and the soles of their feet were like the sole of a calf's foot. And they sparkled like burnished bronze. 8 Under their wings on their four sides they had human hands. And the four had their faces and their wings thus: 9 their wings touched one another. Each one of them went straight forward, without turning as they went. 10 As for the likeness of their faces, each had a human face. The four had the face of a lion on the right side, the four had the face of an ox on the left side, and the four had the face of an eagle. 11 Such were their faces. And their wings were spread out above. Each creature had two wings, each of which touched the wing of another, while two covered their bodies. 12 And each went straight forward. Wherever the spirit[c] would go, they went, without turning as they went. 13 As for the likeness of the living creatures, their appearance was like burning coals of fire, like the appearance of torches moving to and fro among the living creatures. And the fire was bright, and out of the fire went forth lightning. 14 And the living creatures darted to and fro, like the appearance of a flash of lightning.

15 Now as I looked at the living creatures, I saw a wheel on the earth beside the living creatures, one for each of the four of them.[d] 16 As for the appearance of the wheels and their construction: their appearance was like the gleaming of beryl. And the four had the same likeness, their appearance and construction being as it were a wheel within a wheel. 17 When they went, they went in any of their four directions[e] without turning as they went. 18 And their rims were tall and awesome, and the rims of all four were full of eyes all around. 19 And when the living creatures went, the wheels went beside them; and when the living creatures rose from the earth, the wheels rose. 20 Wherever the spirit wanted to go, they went, and the wheels rose along with them, for the spirit of the living creatures[f] was in the wheels. 21 When those went, these went; and when those stood, these stood; and when those rose from the earth, the wheels rose along with them, for the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels.

22 Over the heads of the living creatures there was the likeness of an expanse, shining like awe-inspiring crystal, spread out above their heads. 23 And under the expanse their wings were stretched out straight, one toward another. And each creature had two wings covering its body. 24 And when they went, I heard the sound of their wings like the sound of many waters, like the sound of the Almighty, a sound of tumult like the sound of an army. When they stood still, they let down their wings. 25 And there came a voice from above the expanse over their heads. When they stood still, they let down their wings.

26 And above the expanse over their heads there was the likeness of a throne, in appearance like sapphire;[g] and seated above the likeness of a throne was a likeness with a human appearance. 27 And upward from what had the appearance of his waist I saw as it were gleaming metal, like the appearance of fire enclosed all around. And downward from what had the appearance of his waist I saw as it were the appearance of fire, and there was brightness around him.[h] 28 Like the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud on the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness all around.

Such was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord. And when I saw it, I fell on my face, and I heard the voice of one speaking.

 

 Wednesday, 12th May 2021

An article I wrote back in 2018 for an online publication:

 

A BREATHLESS SLEEP by William Nein

In my late teens, there was a week in which I couldn't sleep for longer than an hour or so without waking up unable to breathe. For insomniacs, this length of time could seem enviable, but for me, the stress of the event still leaves me feeling anxious and slightly shaky.
 
The first time it happened, I remember sitting bolt upright in bed, alone, and trying to breathe in - with nothing happening. I must've thought I was choking. I certainly remember not being able to make a sound. I remember running into the bathroom, crashing into doors and leaning over the toilet bowl as if I were vomiting: that feeling of sickness where you are certain you will die; that you are sorry for everything and pray; where you promise you'll be a better person if you manage to survive this.

What would I repent? Procrastinating too much; not doing enough; creating enough; living enough without fear; not helping people as much as I possibly could; expressing myself to its fullest degree. I feel that a constant state that I live in is one where I’m just too afraid to really be myself whatever that may be in that moment. That the judgement from others would be too severe, rightly or wrongly. That I will be punished by people for expressing who I feel I ‘truly’ am inside. People's views are often too simplistic and narrow. It's both a disappointment for them and for me when people can't be more understanding to the full spectrum of human emotion and action. I will often hide wider aspects of myself when I realize they cause friction or discomfort to others, restrict my persona to characteristics that will be accepted by a larger society because of the need to ‘fit in’, even though I revere the use of free expression, somewhat jealously, in others. It’s a double-bind as my need to express and my fear to do so are products of my own mind, fighting each other.

I'm not sure how long it took before my body was able to vomit out some of the air in its lungs and get its first tiny breath in, but unfortunately as soon as it did I was stuck without oxygen again. It was only when I could breathe out enough to take one or two lungfuls of air, our first act when we are born, did my body begin to remember the rhythm of 'in-and-out', and, shaking and confused, I sat there on the ground. Either somebody heard me and came to see what was wrong or I went to go and tell someone, whilst shivering, what had just happened. I'm not sure really.
 
I don’t remember if it happened again that night or not - my feeling is that it probably did once more before I learned my lesson and stayed awake. It was a catch-22 (coincidentally my favourite book at the time): I could neither sleep without fear, or live without sleep. A cycle I could never escape. All I could do was hope that if, and when, I did indeed fall asleep that my body could heal itself enough to ease the torturous cycle.
 
The following morning I went to the doctor to find out what could have caused the attack. After a while of waiting I was told somewhat tentatively it must be an adult form of croup and as it was unusual, there wasn't much they could do, just come back if it happens again. I wasn't too happy with facing another night of waking up in a panic-stricken terror but if there was nothing to be done, then I guess I would just have to wait and see.
 
I sat in the kitchen, day 2 or 3, with the grill on to make some toast, awake, but must've fallen asleep as the toast was burning when I next looked at it. I discarded the charred slices of bread and tried again, this time not allowing myself a moment of lack of concentration. My brain functions were definitely slower than usual (I’m not the quickest to start with) and I can only imagine the fuzziness around the edges, the lapses in concentration, are what many people experience whilst on certain forms of medication. I felt that a large part of my brain was 'missing'.
 
It's a strange feeling to be so desperate for sleep, and to need it so much, and yet be aware that if you fall asleep for just a moment you are agreeing to waking up in a breathless terror. I tried out different pillow configurations, I mostly attempted to sit upright so that if I did fall asleep it may help in some small way, lessen the effect on my windpipe of breathing at a horizontal angle. Ultimately, after 3 visits to the doctors and 4 days since the first attack, it was being given a steroid inhaler for asthma that actually eased my symptoms.

The effect was unbelievable. It felt like I could instantly breathe without wheezing again. The fear of a nighttime attack was still there, but eventually I feel asleep, and woke up again without incident. It was probably the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had. To feel a feeling of accomplishment of getting through an evening of sleep is something that many will not have felt, but to those who have it is surely a most ecstatic experience, and that you wouldn't be heralded for doing so can seem almost criminal.
 
In the following years I have, correctly or incorrectly, diagnosed myself with sleep apnea––something I believe I inherited from my father. I remember how my father used to breathe whilst asleep: a sharp intake of breath, followed by a prolonged silence, and then an equally sharp exhalation which could be quite disturbing at times. I've been told I often do the same and the effect can be that the brain, and the rest of the body, may not get enough oxygen. It could be that I've never experienced a fully satisfactory night's sleep which is why I am almost always tired no matter how much or little sleep I've had.

I never thought of my father as a tired person, however. He would wake around 7/7:30, be out the house within an hour and work a full day until 6pm as a car mechanic, the owner of his own business, often ending the evening at the local pub. Other than the sleeping habits we shared a certain dependency on alcohol. For me it’s to give myself energy to be able to be productive at a social or creative level, but I don’t know if it was the same for him. He always seemed more at ease around people than I feel I am, but maybe he just had a few more years on me in terms of hiding himself. He got cancer when I was 14, so that would have made him 56/57. He probably would’ve been a lot older when he finally showed any symptoms but there was one twist of life that made it all that more sardonically cruel. Whilst he was giving blood to my aunt who had leukemia, the doctors had to take the blood from his body, replicate the cells and then put the blood back into him. The platelets were then extracted from him and given to my aunt. This in effect poisoned my aunt and replicated the undetected cancer cells within my father. My aunt died soon after. My father lived with cancer for 8 years. A remission of 3 or so years was a nice reprieve. He had to sell his business and was unable to do the things he dearly loved, fixing and building things. The upside to all of this was that I actually got to know my father, picking me up for weekly visits to my parents house, driving in the car for 1-2 hours listening to music and chatting.

Some of my favourite memories are of us drinking together till late in the evening with him recalling his childhood memories of being a kid in the 50’s, quiffs and ducktails, being attacked by fellow schoolkids with flick knives. He told me he and his friends always stuck up for the kids that  were being bullied. I admired him for that.

I’m not sure how scared he was when he had to face up to his mortality. If he ever woke up in the middle of the night unable to breathe, or had similar repentant thoughts to the ones I had choking at the toilet bowl. Whether he worked through all the things he did or didn’t do, the regrets of losing contact with his 2 daughters from a previous marriage. He didn’t talk about it to me, whether he was too proud, or simply didn’t know how to talk to about it, I’m not sure. The only insight I was given was on his deathbed when he sat bolt upright with a terrified look on his face as if something was behind him, touching him on the shoulder. All we could do was comfort him as best we could, and love him for all that he was.

At the moment of his passing I was the only one left with him in the room. I heard his last breath and when his eyes inevitably opened after death I was the one to close them. In that moment of peace the first sound to catch my attention was of the seagulls outside swooping and squawking. It’s always stayed with me because ‘Seagulls’ was his favourite song of mine, a song which was ultimately about living as fully as possible, of accepting your own mortality and not letting it restrict you, partially based on ‘Jonathan Livingston Seagull’ by Richard Bach. Almost like a hidden, silent code between us. It was also the song I was asked to play at his funeral.

Nowadays to sleep I almost nightly listen to binaural beats to block out intrusive thoughts and recurring thought patterns. Two different frequencies of pure tones, one in each ear, which help me fall into a meditative, trancelike state. In today’s world we are so bombarded with input that it’s hard to keep a hold of the calm that we so desperately need to keep in tune with our body’s needs, to keep up-to-date with our own existence. I feel that if our mind falls behind what our body may be feeling it can create a subconscious state of anxiety and fear which may then often reveal itself in more physical forms. Depending on how much light is in the room I may wear a makeshift blindfold to limit sensory input; and purely for comfort I have a palm-sized stone I found on a beach a few years ago whilst on holiday with my mother and uncle, which I hold in my hand. I have since researched that comfort stones are a common and ancient phenomenon in which they are seen to absorb negative energies and relieve worry and stress.

I hope to never have to relive the nights of waking up not being able to breathe. I always appreciate a good night’s sleep, and dreaming is a favourite pastime of mine. My ultimate goal is that when I finally have to face the end that I will have as few regrets as I possibly can. That the silent agreement between myself and my father that we shared within ‘Seagulls’ will be a promise unbroken. To live with as little fear as one can and to face death with as much acceptance as possible, whatever the last sleep may bring.

Friday, 16th April 2021

Life continues to boggle. The speed of which things can change so much in such a short amount of time leaves me spinning. Or maybe I just didn't see the signs and I was not seeing what was actually there. No blame, no judgement, just confusion and a feeling of loss.