Saturday, 30th October 2021
Thoughts of today:
I have felt spiritually as an adult-child who’s had to look after other children. Acting knowledgeable and mature whilst actually still being immature myself.
This isn’t a self-reprimand but just an observation. I don’t need to heap the pressure on myself to be the one that tries to fix things or push to get people to do things they aren't interested in or are not ready for. Much like an overbearing child in the playground barking orders, maybe with the best of intentions but still a child and ignorantly acting more mature than they really are.
Understanding that by thinking ‘I’m just trying to help’ and feeling responsible for others' wellbeing or predicaments is an arrogance. It may be well-intentioned but it is based upon the foundation of feeling you know something that others do not and therefore it is somewhat condescending.
To acknowledge that you are still a child, that actually you don’t know all that much, and that you should restrain yourself from taking responsibility for others takes the pressure off of your shoulders. The weight that you have placed there yourself.
To be selfish and say ‘I do not know, therefore I will try to help myself before trying to help others’ is actually more useful than trying to help others when you can’t even help yourself.
From a young age: ‘looking out for’ or ‘trying to protect’ or ‘taking charge of’.
These things within themselves can be seen as ‘good’ attributes. But that is taking on the weight of other peoples problems or lessons.
‘Who is looking after you?’ Is an important question because if you are looking after others and no one is really looking after you then how can you be sure you’re really doing a good job.
By saying to yourself: ‘Here I am, looking after all these people, and yet noone is looking after me!’ Is a surefire way to instill anger, frustration and resentment within yourself.
It is not their job to look after you or believe you deserve some sort of reciprocation, the fact is is that it’s not your responsibility to look after them at all.
And you don't need to.
Look after yourself and take the weight of others off of your shoulders, focus on yourself and you won’t carry around so much pressure or negativity.
You take on other peoples burdens because you can actually 'feel' it. You feel their struggle and you incorporate it into yourself and so you imagine you have taken some of the burden from them and so you act as if you are owed something for taking on this burden. But they still hold it, it’s just that you have now taken on some form of it too. One that is purely self-invented, somewhat imaginary, and now slightly disconnected from the original burden they held.
Maybe this makes a difference but it also may not.
It may all just be a burden you now carry without any help to others and so you haven’t really helped at all, and so you should not think that anybody ever owes you anything
