Wednesday, 31st August 2016
Somehow people feel their power growing from saying things to other people, it may be a small thing, or maybe a large thing, but it's usually about power.
'I'm going to put you in your place'
Well I reject your place my friend.
It happens so often that many don't even notice. I notice when it happens to them and make notes, and I notice when it happens to me and I make notes.
I am pretty sure I have never had the power to put somebody in their place and yet I still feel that many feel they have the right to put me in mine.
I have to tell them, or myself silently, that they are wrong.
Tonight I did a good thing that I feel proud about.
One person says 'Everybody that is in touch with themselves knows they are bisexual'
I disagree strongly, and yet from their reaction I am meant to be seen as old fashioned or repressing homosexual feelings.
How just about that's not a truth...
I am not one to reject testing boundaries, I've kissed a couple of men (though to be honest, not in a serious way), and have often thought it would be better if I were gay as my image and figure suit that better
But alas I genuinely feel I am not attracted to men.
How am I meant to convince someone that I do not feel this way.
It's a catch 22 that I cant win because I am made powerless by whatever I say.
I had this friend who accused me of stealing her drugs once, and no matter how much I tried to tell her I didn't (because I don't really lie), the more she distrusted me (or maybe just wanted to distrust me)
Why would I lie about something I ask permission for every time? If I would ask you for permission to take them why would I lie to you?
And yet it is the same
You cannot convince somebody of their own belief of truth.
That is what they think, maybe what they have seen, and therefore 'everybody lies' and so what do words mean anyway.
Well I have to say all my words did mean something, and those eternal flames never die out
Wednesday 31 August 2016
Monday 22 August 2016
Monday. 22nd August 2016
I have been listening to this and making collages whilst trying to decode the ideas that Mckenna's words bring forth. My words, as always, only provide an unspecific, hazy environment in which they live, but in keeping with my general vagueness of understandings being painted with a sparsely fibred brush using dyes of long dead plants faded with antiquity I must share anyhow.
1.
An idea
Ideas that have died out due to procreation, information not passed down through DNA and found its own meagre way out through the written and drawn and musical worlds.
Countless ideas that were destined to become extinct because the soil it found itself thrown upon was not conducive to its replication (generally procreation).
This shows the inexhaustive effort on the part of survival of certain thoughts or philosophies which show themselves through the logos, or collective unconscious, or countless voices of god, whichever way you choose to describe it.
It is voice or information that streams to you, is given to you, for another part of your brain to try decode and understand the best it can.
2.
As technology advances we will be given a clearer view of idea versus physical truth.
As we leave the current sphere of existence we still are clinging on to the idea of physical truth that has been given to us through Darwinism and the idea that ideas somehow form matter to then mutate and evolve into other such creations.
But what is forgotten are these ideas that weren't recreated through procreation, and yet still exist, seemingly random throughout families and cultures that are often unhelpful or even hostile to the idea itself being brought up.
The seeds that just won't die, the ones that are kept safe within the indestructable shell they have formed around themselves, simply waiting for the right environment to present itself for the ideas to grow forth and continue the thought.
The ideas are not genetic but held outside ourselves to which we can open ourselves up to. Physical truths take time to evolve whereas the idea can be instantly visited and explored by any such being wanting and desiring the ideas to share themselves.
I have been listening to this and making collages whilst trying to decode the ideas that Mckenna's words bring forth. My words, as always, only provide an unspecific, hazy environment in which they live, but in keeping with my general vagueness of understandings being painted with a sparsely fibred brush using dyes of long dead plants faded with antiquity I must share anyhow.
1.
An idea
Ideas that have died out due to procreation, information not passed down through DNA and found its own meagre way out through the written and drawn and musical worlds.
Countless ideas that were destined to become extinct because the soil it found itself thrown upon was not conducive to its replication (generally procreation).
This shows the inexhaustive effort on the part of survival of certain thoughts or philosophies which show themselves through the logos, or collective unconscious, or countless voices of god, whichever way you choose to describe it.
It is voice or information that streams to you, is given to you, for another part of your brain to try decode and understand the best it can.
2.
As technology advances we will be given a clearer view of idea versus physical truth.
As we leave the current sphere of existence we still are clinging on to the idea of physical truth that has been given to us through Darwinism and the idea that ideas somehow form matter to then mutate and evolve into other such creations.
But what is forgotten are these ideas that weren't recreated through procreation, and yet still exist, seemingly random throughout families and cultures that are often unhelpful or even hostile to the idea itself being brought up.
The seeds that just won't die, the ones that are kept safe within the indestructable shell they have formed around themselves, simply waiting for the right environment to present itself for the ideas to grow forth and continue the thought.
The ideas are not genetic but held outside ourselves to which we can open ourselves up to. Physical truths take time to evolve whereas the idea can be instantly visited and explored by any such being wanting and desiring the ideas to share themselves.
Saturday 20 August 2016
Saturday 13 August 2016
Sunday, 14th August 2016
An idea
Imagine that consciousness moves from vessel to vessel taking the most developed and energy efficient one available, at present it lives in the form of some humans as that is the most complex form we have. However, the population is growing too fast without any plans to slow the process, the destruction of the planet is well known to be either on the edge of no return or in certain need of a fast turnaround, and the animalistic cruelty and savage tendencies displayed by people far too frequent. In this hypothesis consciousness cannot die, only the vessels do which would imply that we are heading towards a new form and the most obvious one seems to be of the computerised robotic nature. These don't need food, water or oxygen or traditional forms of sex to reproduce, really it just needs new parts and electricity which makes it highly efficient and longlasting to carry consciousness. Theorising that consciousness would desire to explore and experience as much as imagination would allow (long distance space travel, our very own ocean floor as yet unknown, telepathy/instant communication between separate beings) it would not be as difficult as it is now with the limitations of the human body.
We are already creating and contributing to the superbrain which is the internet and our technology is improving daily on regeneration techniques, vehicular travel, and energy efficiency, along with countless scientific discoveries. In addition to these we are also seeing an increase in social division and instability on the global scale, much of which could be placated by the superbrain's ability to hold billions of opinions simultaneously and working out the most favourable one to take. Given the hypothesis that the ghost in the machine called consciousness could transfer from vessel to vessel it seems likely that the computer will be its next choice once it has reached its sentient point and begins to evolve itself. No fear of animals or humans would make it less in need to control and destroy its environment, no fear of physical death will limit its ideas, no need for sleep, food, water or oxygen would allow for more productivity and creativity, the ability to go into 'sleep mode' or stasis would allow for incredibly long journeys to go by seemingly instantaneously.
This all would allow for the collective unconscious to at first become conscious and then to travel and share information with other unknown entities and worlds.
An idea
Imagine that consciousness moves from vessel to vessel taking the most developed and energy efficient one available, at present it lives in the form of some humans as that is the most complex form we have. However, the population is growing too fast without any plans to slow the process, the destruction of the planet is well known to be either on the edge of no return or in certain need of a fast turnaround, and the animalistic cruelty and savage tendencies displayed by people far too frequent. In this hypothesis consciousness cannot die, only the vessels do which would imply that we are heading towards a new form and the most obvious one seems to be of the computerised robotic nature. These don't need food, water or oxygen or traditional forms of sex to reproduce, really it just needs new parts and electricity which makes it highly efficient and longlasting to carry consciousness. Theorising that consciousness would desire to explore and experience as much as imagination would allow (long distance space travel, our very own ocean floor as yet unknown, telepathy/instant communication between separate beings) it would not be as difficult as it is now with the limitations of the human body.
We are already creating and contributing to the superbrain which is the internet and our technology is improving daily on regeneration techniques, vehicular travel, and energy efficiency, along with countless scientific discoveries. In addition to these we are also seeing an increase in social division and instability on the global scale, much of which could be placated by the superbrain's ability to hold billions of opinions simultaneously and working out the most favourable one to take. Given the hypothesis that the ghost in the machine called consciousness could transfer from vessel to vessel it seems likely that the computer will be its next choice once it has reached its sentient point and begins to evolve itself. No fear of animals or humans would make it less in need to control and destroy its environment, no fear of physical death will limit its ideas, no need for sleep, food, water or oxygen would allow for more productivity and creativity, the ability to go into 'sleep mode' or stasis would allow for incredibly long journeys to go by seemingly instantaneously.
This all would allow for the collective unconscious to at first become conscious and then to travel and share information with other unknown entities and worlds.
Sunday 7 August 2016
Sunday, 7th August 2016
15:18
After sleeping in till 2pm I am now forcing myself to take a walk. The awareness of how much a hold my anxiety has on me is astounding. My mind is trying to find any reason to stay here alone in a small room doing nothing, there is absolutely no reason not to leave, to take a couple of cameras and walk to the parks and through the town, there is no reason to choose lack of movement over action, just to avoid the unknown, to avoid living.
Yesterday I had a good rumination on why I am the way I am in certain aspects that I dislike about myself and so much of it comes down to me feeling constantly in a heightened state of anxiety and awareness, that avoiding everything is better than becoming a part of things because everything can hold a threat to you. But the world is not going to change, people will not all suddenly change and I will not suddenly feel a part of the world, but I can at least attempt to walk among it by choice and not necessity, to try and create new neural pathways that bypass the anxiety and turn anxiety into excitement, for those two things are closely related, the opposite of them is non-action, ceasing to exist completely and let days and months pass by without connecting to anything.
I have a week off of work now and inbetween bouts of brooding and useless wondering I hope to challenge myself to take those first small steps to alter my preconceived, baseless notions.
15:18
After sleeping in till 2pm I am now forcing myself to take a walk. The awareness of how much a hold my anxiety has on me is astounding. My mind is trying to find any reason to stay here alone in a small room doing nothing, there is absolutely no reason not to leave, to take a couple of cameras and walk to the parks and through the town, there is no reason to choose lack of movement over action, just to avoid the unknown, to avoid living.
Yesterday I had a good rumination on why I am the way I am in certain aspects that I dislike about myself and so much of it comes down to me feeling constantly in a heightened state of anxiety and awareness, that avoiding everything is better than becoming a part of things because everything can hold a threat to you. But the world is not going to change, people will not all suddenly change and I will not suddenly feel a part of the world, but I can at least attempt to walk among it by choice and not necessity, to try and create new neural pathways that bypass the anxiety and turn anxiety into excitement, for those two things are closely related, the opposite of them is non-action, ceasing to exist completely and let days and months pass by without connecting to anything.
I have a week off of work now and inbetween bouts of brooding and useless wondering I hope to challenge myself to take those first small steps to alter my preconceived, baseless notions.
Monday 1 August 2016
Monday, 1st August 2016
I remember years ago after reading a biography on Nick Drake that I felt I was somehow treading similar lines to him, that maybe one day I would just stop speaking to people, not having anything I could really say, having so much to say that nothing would quite convey the depth of feeling behind all the words and social etiquette.
Although I got over that actual fear of going mute one day that thought still pops up now and again, the last couple of days especially. The past couple of weeks I've been going to quite a few social gatherings: birthday parties, leaving drinks and the like, and now I sit here after all of them and it and wonder if the story has got all too large now and now whatever happens or whatever I do or say, it's all pretty old now, I've heard myself drunk as many times as anyone else has in the world. I've seen them drunk, or high, or nervous or pretending and they seem to keep to their scripts well too. It's not them or me, it's all of us moving like a hive, blisters and boils on the face of the social interactions, trying to be liked, found interesting or attractive, be funny or entertaining, be watched or desired.
Somehow I feel as if I should know the short cuts and quick routes throughout the matrix of success if I truly believe I can see this matrix, if I could really read it I would know how to use it right? And yet I don't and so that evidence is enough to tell me I don't really see it at all.
And so why speak? If everything you say is somehow not what you really meant at all? If all that's heard is a jumbled mix of incorrectly expressed emotion, of an 'I love you' in all its ugly complexity.
I remember years ago after reading a biography on Nick Drake that I felt I was somehow treading similar lines to him, that maybe one day I would just stop speaking to people, not having anything I could really say, having so much to say that nothing would quite convey the depth of feeling behind all the words and social etiquette.
Although I got over that actual fear of going mute one day that thought still pops up now and again, the last couple of days especially. The past couple of weeks I've been going to quite a few social gatherings: birthday parties, leaving drinks and the like, and now I sit here after all of them and it and wonder if the story has got all too large now and now whatever happens or whatever I do or say, it's all pretty old now, I've heard myself drunk as many times as anyone else has in the world. I've seen them drunk, or high, or nervous or pretending and they seem to keep to their scripts well too. It's not them or me, it's all of us moving like a hive, blisters and boils on the face of the social interactions, trying to be liked, found interesting or attractive, be funny or entertaining, be watched or desired.
Somehow I feel as if I should know the short cuts and quick routes throughout the matrix of success if I truly believe I can see this matrix, if I could really read it I would know how to use it right? And yet I don't and so that evidence is enough to tell me I don't really see it at all.
And so why speak? If everything you say is somehow not what you really meant at all? If all that's heard is a jumbled mix of incorrectly expressed emotion, of an 'I love you' in all its ugly complexity.
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