Tuesday, 31st August 2021

I'm sitting alone in a friends flat down in Easbourne. I have the whole place to myself for the next 3 days. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I got here at about 7:30pm, went shopping, bought some food and wine. Watched an episode of 'Tales from the Loop'. Smoked a couple of cigarettes outside. Tried filming a live version of one of my songs which didn't work out for various reasons.

Now I'm listening to an old acquaintance's song https://megadud.bandcamp.com/track/sad-dog-waiting-for-pizza and thinking. Wrote the last piece and have now started this one.

I guess this one is more for a snapshot of time than anything else. But who knows? Anything can go anywhere if we let it.

So let's let it.

--

How heartbroken are you? I myself am and have always been very heartbroken.

Do you think there's a way out of the heartbreak you feel?
I still hope there is but have very little faith now. It would almost have to be an otherworldly experience. Or the almost nigh impossible hope that someone from the past would actually change their opinions.
But I find that no-one ever seems to do that. I wonder why. I wonder if I also don't?

So far it my personal experience is that your existence is very very personal, as in no-one else seems to really understand or even have the desire to understand it.
This isn't a 'poor me' stance, merely one that I have experienced, and I can't tell if that's because we are all ultimately very self-obsessed with our own story and don't give time to others, or if we just haven't found a way to connect them.

I don't hate anyone I've ever known. I have felt extreme disappointment and had my heart broken by many, but I always wish them happiness after our chapter is finished.
I tend to hold on too much to my past. And only recently am I trying a new way, a way to leave the past behind.
This isn't based on anything other than the simple question 'How does this person make me feel?'
If overall I feel bad within myself then I am now trying to let the past go. Often it seems that they have already done so but I am simply lagging behind.
No maliciousness, simply trying to find a more positive path.
I still hold very strong feelings for my friends when I was 12/13/14 but they have long since left me behind, so it seems silly to still carry those feelings of grief after 25 years.
And taking that thought forward it seems silly to carry grief for people who don't seem to share your feelings, whether that was 10 / 5 or 2 years ago.
 

The more past you carry on your shoulders the harder it is to move forward.
I constantly have about 15 years on my back. So forgive me if I look or act tired.

Tuesday, 31st August 2021

I'm not sure when my generation were sold the 'everything will be fine' lie or who society created it but I find it very confusing and disappointing.

Growing up in the 90's I had a very unrealistic view of the future. My parents had worked their way up to self-employment and a relatively succesful car mechanic business.

Was it my parents naivete and ignorance of how the world worked, or was it just different back then? In the 80's the idea that you could one day own a house and have a family wasn't an impossible dream. I wonder if their experience in doing so was somehow red herring, that actually they didn't realise that they had been in an affluent time, and somewhat lucky in their success. That actually when it all fell apart and their children would attempt to do the same that it was basically an impossible task.

Generation x got the depression of the realization that it was all over, but still they had the opportunity to succeed at that, as the boom of the 80s didn’t crash till the late 90s

The millennials had to deal with the depressive/hopeless 90s and the realization that they would struggle through any kind of career with any meaning as well as having the collapse of the industry’s they were brought up on

The generation after had grown up on negativity and pessimism and so actually that worked in their favour as they decided to find a new way and that new way was via the Internet. The only structure left to create and profit from and that negativity didn’t work anymore so they became overly positive in their outward persona.

And I would guess that a positive outlook improves your chances at success, as most people do want to feel positive and they see that as a good trait to have

Now I am writing this drunk, I have no experience in studying history or sociology in any educacational form, and so I am most probably wrong on many things. 

But again we would have to say that 50 years ago people could share opinions and maybe educational background wasn't seen as such a necessity, maybe it would just be spoken about in a pub or cafe, and then their friends would share their opinions.

But we don't live in that world now. If I were to share any idea or opinion online it would be torn apart in seconds by someone better educated or clearer with their words, or simply someone having a more popular opinion. And this is where we suffer. I feel like we are entering a world where you cannot actually express yourself without ridicule or someone demeaning you. And there is usually no reason for that to happen as the person is just as ignorant as you in some other way. 

I was reading a book earlier from the early 1900's, just a person sharing their thoughts and views of the world, and I was reminded how rare that is nowadays. We so often put other peoples views ahead of our own and become afraid to share our own as we maybe haven't got them all quite figured out just yet. But that is the idea behind collaboration and working together and not tearing each other down which is where I find myself too often today.

It kindof made me want to become a writer someday

 Wednesday, 18th August 2021

Endgame

William Nein · Endgame

Eradicate all the weeds that grow
In a mind - suffocate and overthrow
Keep the cells under control
Line them up into another row

Friendly fires face the foe
Shooting arrows with a stringless bow
While we sink when tides are low
Rising waters will someday overflow

In fortress jails we are reborn
Learning history with the pages torn
Lives we never had we mourn
As games are played blindly as a pawn

Some will aim for the other side
Some will try to find a place to hide
Some will confront attack and die
Some will survive inside a disguise

Tuesday, 3rd August 2021

Just heard this song at the end of an episode of 'Togetherness', of which I recommend, Mark Duplass never seems to disappoint.

One of those songs that hit me instantly as a modern classic, and though it was back in 2015 I consider that very modern for me. Beautiful voice and melody.

 

Lower Dens - Ondine