Friday, 27th December 2013
The Cutters Choice
Re-edit, re-write,
reveal an unproposed idea
The original voice gets shifted
Reduced in quality
Like through a telephone
Frequencies lost
Open to misunderstanding
Misrepresented
Choose your spokespeople carefully and
Check their hands for ladder burns
And knives. [Old wounds]
They'll use your name
Strip away your skin
Tear off your muscle until you are just another depersonalised skeleton
Then they will rebuild you
Layer by layer
With distorted truths
A canvas for their own selfish aims
Using you as a Trojan horse to attack the innocent
Friday 27 December 2013
Thursday 14 November 2013
Thursday. 14th November 2013
God was one but became two, the positive and negative polarities, masculine and feminine, and they were in perfect harmony of creation and destruction but when they looked upon themselves as separate from each other and from God they began to divide and subdivide continuously to rid themselves of the knowledge of truth. They began as not many and retained memories of their creation, built cities and destroyed them.
The splitting of self continues to create an illusion of time where we travel further and further out, smaller and smaller, larger and larger. The Universe ceases to exist every time we return to the start point, but of course everything = nothing and so life can only continue once consciousness has been fragmented and divided, a suggestion believed or not believed.
As it was inevitable that everything should get split apart it is also similarly inevitable that everything will again begin to reform. We had the best and have been through the worst, now let us do it all backwards.
God was one but became two, the positive and negative polarities, masculine and feminine, and they were in perfect harmony of creation and destruction but when they looked upon themselves as separate from each other and from God they began to divide and subdivide continuously to rid themselves of the knowledge of truth. They began as not many and retained memories of their creation, built cities and destroyed them.
The splitting of self continues to create an illusion of time where we travel further and further out, smaller and smaller, larger and larger. The Universe ceases to exist every time we return to the start point, but of course everything = nothing and so life can only continue once consciousness has been fragmented and divided, a suggestion believed or not believed.
As it was inevitable that everything should get split apart it is also similarly inevitable that everything will again begin to reform. We had the best and have been through the worst, now let us do it all backwards.
Thursday, 14th November 2013
My father's birthday. Would've been 74 by now.
"I am above Valis
I am above, Valis"
Being plugged in, being unplugged
Explosions and
Time doesn't exist only experiences exist
The experiences of everyones experience creates
The illusion of time but each experience creates
Life
The story continues down the families until all called to a halt
It becomes tedious and you begin to remember all those rules
So you die and you remember
And you see, the other lives you remember
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I half expected them to start speaking
German in the ambulance whilst
I relived the journey from the beginning again
I was my daughter, I was there at the start
Seeing the end
From one to split in two
Two to a family
Family of Gods
Gods in animals
Animals roaming, shattered fragments, splinters of a family
Tree
A connection, I am above it, I am above
Droplets pooling back into oceans
One ocean, a family of Gods
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am pushing it because I feel close to something
A clue somewhere
Change
This time I kept my clothes
And could come home the same night
I'd been murdered and loved and heard the voice
That said
Music, it was written
After her
I could feel the rain but it was my body disintegrating
Guillotined in France
Kurt Cobain's shotgunned head
Neal Cassady; my best friend; Jimi Hendrix
I didn't stay long in Greece or Rome
The writings are so old and out of date
Way back when we were so few and could still speak
Now we are spread apart
Flickering lights, candles dim in the dark
But everlasting
and reconnecting
Eventually
I will see all my loved ones again
My father's birthday. Would've been 74 by now.
"I am above Valis
I am above, Valis"
Being plugged in, being unplugged
Explosions and
Time doesn't exist only experiences exist
The experiences of everyones experience creates
The illusion of time but each experience creates
Life
The story continues down the families until all called to a halt
It becomes tedious and you begin to remember all those rules
So you die and you remember
And you see, the other lives you remember
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I half expected them to start speaking
German in the ambulance whilst
I relived the journey from the beginning again
I was my daughter, I was there at the start
Seeing the end
From one to split in two
Two to a family
Family of Gods
Gods in animals
Animals roaming, shattered fragments, splinters of a family
Tree
A connection, I am above it, I am above
Droplets pooling back into oceans
One ocean, a family of Gods
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am pushing it because I feel close to something
A clue somewhere
Change
This time I kept my clothes
And could come home the same night
I'd been murdered and loved and heard the voice
That said
Music, it was written
After her
I could feel the rain but it was my body disintegrating
Guillotined in France
Kurt Cobain's shotgunned head
Neal Cassady; my best friend; Jimi Hendrix
I didn't stay long in Greece or Rome
The writings are so old and out of date
Way back when we were so few and could still speak
Now we are spread apart
Flickering lights, candles dim in the dark
But everlasting
and reconnecting
Eventually
I will see all my loved ones again
Sunday 10 November 2013
Saturday, 9th November 2013
I'm having an experimental evening and so far it's going great. Here's a couple of things I've written so far. The 2nd one was actually written this morning so has a different tone to the 1st.
What we tend to call ‘love’ (in terms of 2 people being together) could actually take on the role of manifest fear if not careful. The need to be wanted, needed, found attractive; the fear of losing them to another, the possessiveness and jealousy, the need to keep the love going are all negative, when love is actually the giving of the easiest and most abundant thing in the world. This would be termed ‘true’ love.
Acceptance and recognition of the other in their most honest self who you love unconditionally. It isn’t necessarily a choice, you love who you love, but it also doesn’t need to be exclusively for one person, love is a neverending fountain. It’s rejection of love (maybe feeling unworthy or distrustful of it) and fear of it not being ‘real’ that turns love into fear. Fear is possessive and insecure and tries to constantly hold on to its self-fabricated foundations, tries to force a structure out of simplicity or make it into a formula to be followed.
Love is just there and endless and fearless. Once we accept love and believe it without fear we can love freely, truthfully and endlessly. There is no limit to love. You can love as many people as you like.
Too many relationships are based on insecurity, a lack of something needing to be filled and fear, but because we call it ‘love’ and have assigned our own meaning to the word we believe we are following love and not fear. But the need to possess something or someone and to force it into a pre-defined structure is not love. My heart is open and my love doesn’t die
--
I'm having an experimental evening and so far it's going great. Here's a couple of things I've written so far. The 2nd one was actually written this morning so has a different tone to the 1st.
What we tend to call ‘love’ (in terms of 2 people being together) could actually take on the role of manifest fear if not careful. The need to be wanted, needed, found attractive; the fear of losing them to another, the possessiveness and jealousy, the need to keep the love going are all negative, when love is actually the giving of the easiest and most abundant thing in the world. This would be termed ‘true’ love.
Acceptance and recognition of the other in their most honest self who you love unconditionally. It isn’t necessarily a choice, you love who you love, but it also doesn’t need to be exclusively for one person, love is a neverending fountain. It’s rejection of love (maybe feeling unworthy or distrustful of it) and fear of it not being ‘real’ that turns love into fear. Fear is possessive and insecure and tries to constantly hold on to its self-fabricated foundations, tries to force a structure out of simplicity or make it into a formula to be followed.
Love is just there and endless and fearless. Once we accept love and believe it without fear we can love freely, truthfully and endlessly. There is no limit to love. You can love as many people as you like.
Too many relationships are based on insecurity, a lack of something needing to be filled and fear, but because we call it ‘love’ and have assigned our own meaning to the word we believe we are following love and not fear. But the need to possess something or someone and to force it into a pre-defined structure is not love. My heart is open and my love doesn’t die
--
Friday 8 November 2013
Friday, 8th November 2013
Read this today in R.D Laing's Politics of Experience. Took me by surprise how Jesse explains his experience as apart from a couple of things it feels like I could've written it myself after my Berlin trip in August 2012.
--
Jesse Watkins’s own description of his inner experiences. The barriers between Jesse’s known self, and wider self had been broken down by overwork, fatigue, a dog bite, and a visit to hospital. Below is quoted some of his description of what he saw of himself.
It’s an experience that, um, we have at some stage to go through, but that was only one, and that many more—a fantastic number of things have got to impinge upon us until we gradually build ourselves up into an acceptance of reality, and a greater and greater acceptance of reality and what really exists.”
Jesse was “at sea” in this inner condition for ten whole days. Finally he felt that he couldn’t take it any more and closed down the barriers again. He says, “I was suddenly confronted with something so much greater than oneself, with so many more experiences, with so much awareness, so much that you couldn’t take it.”
“I didn’t have the capacity for experiencing it. I experienced it for a moment or two but it was like a sudden blast of light, wind, or whatever you like to put it as, against you so that you feel that you’re too naked and alone to be able to withstand it; you’re not strong enough. It’s like a child or an animal suddenly confronted—or being aware of—an adult’s experiences for him, for instance. The grown-up person has experienced a lot in their life time, they’ve built up gradually their capacity for experiencing life and looking at things… And I was facing things then that I just hadn’t got the equipment to deal with.
Jesse goes on to say that most of us are only equipped for just the very experiences we are going through in life. Any more, or any suddenly widened consciousness, might be too much. Just as the baby is not equipped to face the full sexual experience, or of being alone, nor are most of us equipped for any full cosmic experience, or for “taking it all by ourselves.” Those great souls who appear to have this ability, usually say that repeated earth lives have prepared them for it.
Read this today in R.D Laing's Politics of Experience. Took me by surprise how Jesse explains his experience as apart from a couple of things it feels like I could've written it myself after my Berlin trip in August 2012.
--
Jesse Watkins’s own description of his inner experiences. The barriers between Jesse’s known self, and wider self had been broken down by overwork, fatigue, a dog bite, and a visit to hospital. Below is quoted some of his description of what he saw of himself.
“But I had a feeling at times of an enormous journey in front, quite, er, a fantastic journey, and it seemed that I had got an understanding of things which I’d been trying to understand for a long time, problems of good and evil and so on, and that I had solved it inasmuch that I had come to the conclusion, with all the feelings that I had at the time, that I was more—more than I had always imagined myself, not just existing now, but I had existed since the very beginning, from the lowest form of life to the present time, and that that was the sum of my real experiences, and that what I was doing was experiencing them again. And that then, occasionally I had this sort of vista ahead of me … ahead of me was lying the most horrific journey, the only way I can describe it is a journey to the final sort of business of being aware of all—everything. It was such a horrifying experience to suddenly feel, that I immediately shut myself off from it because I couldn’t contemplate it, because it sort of shivered me up—I was unable to take it…”He goes on to say, “I had feelings of gods, not only God but gods as it were, of beings which are far above us capable of, er, dealing with the situation that I was incapable of dealing with, that were in charge and running things and, urn, at the end of it, everybody had to take on the job at the top. And it was this business that made it such a devastating thing to contemplate, that at some period in the existence of oneself, one had to take on this job, even for only a momentary period, because you had arrived then at an awareness of everything. What was beyond that I don’t know. At the time I felt that God himself was a madman… because he’s got this enormous load of having to be aware and governing and running things—and that all of us had to come up and finally get to the point where we had to experience that ourselves.., the journey is there and every single one of us has got to go through it, and everything— you can’t dodge it… the purpose of everything and the whole of existence is, er, to equip you to take another step, and another step, and another step, and so on.
It’s an experience that, um, we have at some stage to go through, but that was only one, and that many more—a fantastic number of things have got to impinge upon us until we gradually build ourselves up into an acceptance of reality, and a greater and greater acceptance of reality and what really exists.”
Jesse was “at sea” in this inner condition for ten whole days. Finally he felt that he couldn’t take it any more and closed down the barriers again. He says, “I was suddenly confronted with something so much greater than oneself, with so many more experiences, with so much awareness, so much that you couldn’t take it.”
“I didn’t have the capacity for experiencing it. I experienced it for a moment or two but it was like a sudden blast of light, wind, or whatever you like to put it as, against you so that you feel that you’re too naked and alone to be able to withstand it; you’re not strong enough. It’s like a child or an animal suddenly confronted—or being aware of—an adult’s experiences for him, for instance. The grown-up person has experienced a lot in their life time, they’ve built up gradually their capacity for experiencing life and looking at things… And I was facing things then that I just hadn’t got the equipment to deal with.
Jesse goes on to say that most of us are only equipped for just the very experiences we are going through in life. Any more, or any suddenly widened consciousness, might be too much. Just as the baby is not equipped to face the full sexual experience, or of being alone, nor are most of us equipped for any full cosmic experience, or for “taking it all by ourselves.” Those great souls who appear to have this ability, usually say that repeated earth lives have prepared them for it.
Friday 1 November 2013
Thursday 31 October 2013
Thursday, 31st October 2013
Deaden weight
Stop the sound from
Echo as repeat
Wait
A little longer, please
Let us listen
Upon our knees we stay in anticipation
Stuck
By thinking too much
"Where is the distraction?"
A distraction of what?
Thought
But movement makes sound
So study the language of action and non
Withered feet, bent soles upward
An isolated room
Open the window and part of you opens your heart also
To possibility. The unthought of
Reins in inspiration, an elephant in the room
"Which room?"
All rooms
All rooms have an elephant in the midst of inspiration
Listen
and act when listening becomes the act
An actor dies intelligent and aware but
Awareness must be killed
Leadened shoes sinking downward
No echoes in the sea
Only water carrying waves to stone
And returning to our ears
Full up of the world but keeping it away
Deaden weight
Stop the sound from
Echo as repeat
Wait
A little longer, please
Let us listen
Upon our knees we stay in anticipation
Stuck
By thinking too much
"Where is the distraction?"
A distraction of what?
Thought
But movement makes sound
So study the language of action and non
Withered feet, bent soles upward
An isolated room
Open the window and part of you opens your heart also
To possibility. The unthought of
Reins in inspiration, an elephant in the room
"Which room?"
All rooms
All rooms have an elephant in the midst of inspiration
Listen
and act when listening becomes the act
An actor dies intelligent and aware but
Awareness must be killed
Leadened shoes sinking downward
No echoes in the sea
Only water carrying waves to stone
And returning to our ears
Full up of the world but keeping it away
Friday 11 October 2013
Friday, 11th October 2013
Today I reached a part in R.D. Laing's 'The Divided Self' where literally every line was ringing true to me on so many levels it was like a checklist of my behaviour and emotional states.
I actually feel elated that I can relate to it all because for so long I've been trying to understand why I've always felt so disconnected and split from myself, how my inner world and my outer world rarely ever match up, and why I am so incapable of breaking out of the prison I set myself up in.
I have no answers yet but I feel like a pressure has been slightly lifted off me and that I may have found the first couple of steps to take on the path I've been searching so long for.
Today I reached a part in R.D. Laing's 'The Divided Self' where literally every line was ringing true to me on so many levels it was like a checklist of my behaviour and emotional states.
I actually feel elated that I can relate to it all because for so long I've been trying to understand why I've always felt so disconnected and split from myself, how my inner world and my outer world rarely ever match up, and why I am so incapable of breaking out of the prison I set myself up in.
I have no answers yet but I feel like a pressure has been slightly lifted off me and that I may have found the first couple of steps to take on the path I've been searching so long for.
Tuesday 3 September 2013
Tuesday, 3rd September 2013
Wants forces body here the
standing bring strange
therefore competent great body
guess mimicry there next stands
the body wants forces here
bring strange standing
therefore, competent, great body
next guess: there stands mimicry
here the body wants forces
standing strange bring
great competent body, therefore
there stands mimicry
next guess
the forces here wants body
strange standing bring
comptetent body, therefore great
guess, there stands mimicry next
Wants forces.
Body here.
The standing.
Bring strange.
Therefore comptetent.
Great body.
Guess mimicry.
They're next.
Stands
--
begins and ends with an s
snake
godless
loss
Wants forces body here the
standing bring strange
therefore competent great body
guess mimicry there next stands
the body wants forces here
bring strange standing
therefore, competent, great body
next guess: there stands mimicry
here the body wants forces
standing strange bring
great competent body, therefore
there stands mimicry
next guess
the forces here wants body
strange standing bring
comptetent body, therefore great
guess, there stands mimicry next
Wants forces.
Body here.
The standing.
Bring strange.
Therefore comptetent.
Great body.
Guess mimicry.
They're next.
Stands
--
begins and ends with an s
snake
godless
loss
Monday 2 September 2013
Monday, 2nd September 2013
A 'blink poem' from page 5 of my copy of 'Hero with a Thousand Faces' by Joseph Campbell
then dangerous we built for adventure
we have a wonderful fully human life disturbing night within
Terror spring, thirty open
and whether there that also desired
into the mind
now unconscious
that kingdom
sure vapors
troubled whether nonsense
psychological dangerous
then danger
us; we built for adventure
we have a wonderful, fully human life
disturbing night within terror
spring thirty open
And whether they're that also desired into the mind now unconscious
that kingdom shore
vapors, troubled weather
nonsensical logical danger
us
--
the father is the son
the son becomes the father
through the holy spirit
time. life. existence
through the mother
body. matter. energy
--
ghostly hush; back to be
identity great; you had
can fear; leads shown
commit again, like whenever
symptom
A 'blink poem' from page 5 of my copy of 'Hero with a Thousand Faces' by Joseph Campbell
then dangerous we built for adventure
we have a wonderful fully human life disturbing night within
Terror spring, thirty open
and whether there that also desired
into the mind
now unconscious
that kingdom
sure vapors
troubled whether nonsense
psychological dangerous
then danger
us; we built for adventure
we have a wonderful, fully human life
disturbing night within terror
spring thirty open
And whether they're that also desired into the mind now unconscious
that kingdom shore
vapors, troubled weather
nonsensical logical danger
us
--
the father is the son
the son becomes the father
through the holy spirit
time. life. existence
through the mother
body. matter. energy
--
ghostly hush; back to be
identity great; you had
can fear; leads shown
commit again, like whenever
symptom
Friday 30 August 2013
Friday, 30th August 2013
This idea needs some work. Woke up at 3am am had this planted into my head:
"Throughout billions of years (what we term as billions) there is one immortal being. This being doesn’t remember that it is immortal, or should I say, it has chosen to not remember. For when it does inevitably remember its existence, and it will do after many many lives, then it will have all knowledge (what we term the future). In the future this being will have attained all knowledge. Whether this take billions of years or not, one day it will attain all knowledge. Once all knowledge has been attained it is inevitable that time travel will be possible for this being. Once time travel for this being takes place and it goes backwards in ‘time’ then the universe it inhabits will no longer be the universe it belongs to, as the very fact of its presence and complete knowledge, and concious action, the original universe it inhabited would change, creating an alternate universe alongside the other. It could not return to its original time (forward) because the new universe it has created simply by existing in it would have altered and therefore its original ‘home’ would no longer exist. From this we can conclude that the universe we inhabit has already been completed, this being has already passed through us and altered our universe. All history is a memory of an alternate universe. Every book we read for the first time is actually being written as we read it. Everytime somebody tells you of something it is actually you telling yourself something. We live alongside the alternate universes that we have made through our ultimate return to knowledge. We forget knowledge because existence ceases to exist once we have it. We travel back and are treated like every invading alien body: We are singled out and destroyed by the people of the time. We are the gods of the past, we are the prophets that never died, we are the light that travels, we are everything, and one day (a day that has already also ‘been’ as well as is ‘yet to come’) we will remember, we will again travel, and a new universe will be born."
You'll see correlations between this and a few other posts from last year. I may have returned to the theme due to the finishing of Phillip K. Dick's Valis which talks of a similar idea. Funny that Phillip died a few months prior to my birth.
This idea needs some work. Woke up at 3am am had this planted into my head:
"Throughout billions of years (what we term as billions) there is one immortal being. This being doesn’t remember that it is immortal, or should I say, it has chosen to not remember. For when it does inevitably remember its existence, and it will do after many many lives, then it will have all knowledge (what we term the future). In the future this being will have attained all knowledge. Whether this take billions of years or not, one day it will attain all knowledge. Once all knowledge has been attained it is inevitable that time travel will be possible for this being. Once time travel for this being takes place and it goes backwards in ‘time’ then the universe it inhabits will no longer be the universe it belongs to, as the very fact of its presence and complete knowledge, and concious action, the original universe it inhabited would change, creating an alternate universe alongside the other. It could not return to its original time (forward) because the new universe it has created simply by existing in it would have altered and therefore its original ‘home’ would no longer exist. From this we can conclude that the universe we inhabit has already been completed, this being has already passed through us and altered our universe. All history is a memory of an alternate universe. Every book we read for the first time is actually being written as we read it. Everytime somebody tells you of something it is actually you telling yourself something. We live alongside the alternate universes that we have made through our ultimate return to knowledge. We forget knowledge because existence ceases to exist once we have it. We travel back and are treated like every invading alien body: We are singled out and destroyed by the people of the time. We are the gods of the past, we are the prophets that never died, we are the light that travels, we are everything, and one day (a day that has already also ‘been’ as well as is ‘yet to come’) we will remember, we will again travel, and a new universe will be born."
You'll see correlations between this and a few other posts from last year. I may have returned to the theme due to the finishing of Phillip K. Dick's Valis which talks of a similar idea. Funny that Phillip died a few months prior to my birth.
Wednesday 21 August 2013
Thursday 8 August 2013
Thursday, 8th August 2013
First day in the dark for a while, closed the curtain and avoid people as much as possible. Still recovering from over indulgence on Sunday, body recovering from a number of ailments, parts of my mind still a little numb or spaced.
Read Rudolph Steiner's On Fear which made a lot of sense to me, very much in my mode of thinking, 3 split worlds Physical, Soul, Spirit, how our fear and anxieties can actually have a larger impact in the spiritual world than here in the physical.
Also finished reading the biography of Jack Kerouac. Identified with him quite a lot and by the end of it was extremely saddnened and depressed that he never managed to turn himself round or find hope again. Of course many stories and people exist like that but his story seemeed to impact me more than most, possibly because of his shyness that I relate to, or the loss of hope creating something/years of failure with the odd peak of success, or the fact that his friends remind me a lot of my own friends, or the fall into alcohol as a social blanket turning into an acceptance of loss and exchange for life.
My face is also giving me issues, I've had a rash now for a year and a half, before that I had great skin, so now going to try cutting out gluten after a friend's recommendation. Fuck wheat. Why so much wheat everywhere?
The book launch of 'The Life and Loves of Jet Tea' went well yesterday. A Q&A session with the 3 main characters, a book signing session, and some music where I played a few songs myself. Seemed to go down pretty well and got offered a gig by a promoter which is always nice.
In other news: protect your heart.
First day in the dark for a while, closed the curtain and avoid people as much as possible. Still recovering from over indulgence on Sunday, body recovering from a number of ailments, parts of my mind still a little numb or spaced.
Read Rudolph Steiner's On Fear which made a lot of sense to me, very much in my mode of thinking, 3 split worlds Physical, Soul, Spirit, how our fear and anxieties can actually have a larger impact in the spiritual world than here in the physical.
Also finished reading the biography of Jack Kerouac. Identified with him quite a lot and by the end of it was extremely saddnened and depressed that he never managed to turn himself round or find hope again. Of course many stories and people exist like that but his story seemeed to impact me more than most, possibly because of his shyness that I relate to, or the loss of hope creating something/years of failure with the odd peak of success, or the fact that his friends remind me a lot of my own friends, or the fall into alcohol as a social blanket turning into an acceptance of loss and exchange for life.
My face is also giving me issues, I've had a rash now for a year and a half, before that I had great skin, so now going to try cutting out gluten after a friend's recommendation. Fuck wheat. Why so much wheat everywhere?
The book launch of 'The Life and Loves of Jet Tea' went well yesterday. A Q&A session with the 3 main characters, a book signing session, and some music where I played a few songs myself. Seemed to go down pretty well and got offered a gig by a promoter which is always nice.
In other news: protect your heart.
Saturday 20 July 2013
Saturday, 20th July 2013
So there's this band project I'm in with 6 other people, we're still very much in the experimental stages at the moment, playing each other's songs and getting to know each other better.
Here's a version of one of my songs 'No Heart's a Wasteland' which was done on the first (and only) rehearsal so far with all 7 of us.
It's very much a long term project and will no doubt continue to evolve in many ways.
So there's this band project I'm in with 6 other people, we're still very much in the experimental stages at the moment, playing each other's songs and getting to know each other better.
Here's a version of one of my songs 'No Heart's a Wasteland' which was done on the first (and only) rehearsal so far with all 7 of us.
It's very much a long term project and will no doubt continue to evolve in many ways.
Thursday 11 July 2013
Thursday, 11th July 2013
What if I said I was sorry? Would it make much sense to crawl when I've apologised countless times and changed nothing at all?
Inside the dogs are barking. I'm a booze hound on the run. But when I stop and the dust has cleared I can see what I have done.
Words get turned to bullets with shots of alcohol, and I'm in a million pieces but I want to be a whole.
Do you have 2 wings I could borrow? I will bring them back in time. You can keep my arrows I just want to find my mind.
I hope that one day my words will mean something again.
I hope that one day I will be good enough to love you like you should be.
What if I said I was sorry? Would it make much sense to crawl when I've apologised countless times and changed nothing at all?
Inside the dogs are barking. I'm a booze hound on the run. But when I stop and the dust has cleared I can see what I have done.
Words get turned to bullets with shots of alcohol, and I'm in a million pieces but I want to be a whole.
Do you have 2 wings I could borrow? I will bring them back in time. You can keep my arrows I just want to find my mind.
I hope that one day my words will mean something again.
I hope that one day I will be good enough to love you like you should be.
Monday 8 July 2013
Monday, 8th July 2013
Saturday night.
Two birthday gatherings on one day. A mini pub crawl. Bowling. Last trains missed. 1 too many people for the taxi. Bottle of wine and an East London pavement to house on. Shared words and wine and cigarettes with a man and his begging girlfriend. Poor man almost cried when I asked him about his past "Don't make me think of sad things, I can't think of sad things". A battery dead phone. A £25 taxi on a gamble to an insomniac friends house. An answer. What a saviour. No sleep, emotionally frayed, unworthy guest. Broken phone cable. Work. £1 in bank account.
Home. Sleep.
Saturday night.
Two birthday gatherings on one day. A mini pub crawl. Bowling. Last trains missed. 1 too many people for the taxi. Bottle of wine and an East London pavement to house on. Shared words and wine and cigarettes with a man and his begging girlfriend. Poor man almost cried when I asked him about his past "Don't make me think of sad things, I can't think of sad things". A battery dead phone. A £25 taxi on a gamble to an insomniac friends house. An answer. What a saviour. No sleep, emotionally frayed, unworthy guest. Broken phone cable. Work. £1 in bank account.
Home. Sleep.
Thursday 13 June 2013
Tuesday 11 June 2013
Tuesday, 11th June 2013
What I want is a farm. I want one by the time I'm 40.
I want to be successful, buy some land, have people hang out, write and eat and drink and do hallucinogens (if they want to), live, not worry about survival and try to figure out existence.
I'll grow the food with willing participants and pay for whatever else is needed.
I would like a society we can express ourselves in and put outwards.
I will most likely then disappear to my room and become an outsider because that's what I usually do, but I'll figure that out, and when I eventually become apart of the whole I will be very happy.
What I want is a farm. I want one by the time I'm 40.
I want to be successful, buy some land, have people hang out, write and eat and drink and do hallucinogens (if they want to), live, not worry about survival and try to figure out existence.
I'll grow the food with willing participants and pay for whatever else is needed.
I would like a society we can express ourselves in and put outwards.
I will most likely then disappear to my room and become an outsider because that's what I usually do, but I'll figure that out, and when I eventually become apart of the whole I will be very happy.
Sunday 19 May 2013
Sunday, 19th May
I saw her again. This time she was the sea and I was the sun. I burnt with ferocity knowing I would never see her again. Each time I meet her and each time I die without ever being able to see her again. That is why I came here. I never phone, I never pick up the call, but this time I am closer than before, this time I have placed myself in possibility. I don't want it to rain, I want it to be warm. I broke the rules this time, I travelled back and once again became me. Each time is a new life, each time slightly different. I still don't make the call but I am closer than ever. I pick up. I had my teeth torn out, I had my fingers cut off, I became a baby again. I felt the material of the universe melt on my feet. With each time I remember her a little more. My bed was the sky, the covers the ocean. The jilted brother was music. He was angry and insisted he would come along but I told him not this time. This time it would be just him. She calls. I pick up.
This world is crazy, you think you've at least grasped the tiniest portion of something but it disappears so quickly and so easily, leaves you with absolutely no ground to stand on. You are floating above an abyss, and the abyss is always there. The floating is just an illusion, really you are falling maddeningly quickly into nothingness, clawing at walls that don't exist anywhere but your mind. Even your mind is lost to the abyss. The harder you cling to any sense of logic the quicker it crumbles. And you can't share it with anyone. Each person is falling into their own insanity, nothing makes sense in an infinite amount of ways.
When you just stop and let it flow, enjoy the present. Enjoy the room you're in, the people around you, the voices, the conversation you are not a part of. These are the illusions to maintain sanity. Without these things it is just the void below and above.
I saw her again. This time she was the sea and I was the sun. I burnt with ferocity knowing I would never see her again. Each time I meet her and each time I die without ever being able to see her again. That is why I came here. I never phone, I never pick up the call, but this time I am closer than before, this time I have placed myself in possibility. I don't want it to rain, I want it to be warm. I broke the rules this time, I travelled back and once again became me. Each time is a new life, each time slightly different. I still don't make the call but I am closer than ever. I pick up. I had my teeth torn out, I had my fingers cut off, I became a baby again. I felt the material of the universe melt on my feet. With each time I remember her a little more. My bed was the sky, the covers the ocean. The jilted brother was music. He was angry and insisted he would come along but I told him not this time. This time it would be just him. She calls. I pick up.
This world is crazy, you think you've at least grasped the tiniest portion of something but it disappears so quickly and so easily, leaves you with absolutely no ground to stand on. You are floating above an abyss, and the abyss is always there. The floating is just an illusion, really you are falling maddeningly quickly into nothingness, clawing at walls that don't exist anywhere but your mind. Even your mind is lost to the abyss. The harder you cling to any sense of logic the quicker it crumbles. And you can't share it with anyone. Each person is falling into their own insanity, nothing makes sense in an infinite amount of ways.
When you just stop and let it flow, enjoy the present. Enjoy the room you're in, the people around you, the voices, the conversation you are not a part of. These are the illusions to maintain sanity. Without these things it is just the void below and above.
Saturday 4 May 2013
Saturday, 4th May 2013
A flower in boots traveling across the antartic
First letter planted in trunks, a symbol moving, a cold insect
Needing water, a message on paper to devise a strategy, a bear in costume swimming with drums crashing, sneezing, a cult, an inn
Breadmaking, waiting (no 'I'), a length of time lacking order, a pauper (no 'you'), not one but two plot, a saint, a rodent, a sharp drop
Lines on a board reading out what I had said before, straight and narrow, tired of itself. Woods and the wind hurting with eyes talking from 4 directions. We're not taking drugs anymore from one point to another, thin and bone filling rubber
2 pairs (one brown, one black) lie unmoved on the nylon floor of the 1st one above the below, fruit grows upon us all but we are all dark and lie like cattle, a plastic grounding that we lick for the moisture that we need. But who wins? Look up and you see it all, depression hits you and appears as itself on the branches. Arguments fall and land on our heads. The end. Urinate and sympathise, we all miss a piece of the wall. Black untruths.
Word plays. I was a letter scripted for actors more than once. Body part history written on paper with a pen, created conversation, numbers for pretending they are something else again and again.
A flower in boots traveling across the antartic
First letter planted in trunks, a symbol moving, a cold insect
Needing water, a message on paper to devise a strategy, a bear in costume swimming with drums crashing, sneezing, a cult, an inn
Breadmaking, waiting (no 'I'), a length of time lacking order, a pauper (no 'you'), not one but two plot, a saint, a rodent, a sharp drop
Lines on a board reading out what I had said before, straight and narrow, tired of itself. Woods and the wind hurting with eyes talking from 4 directions. We're not taking drugs anymore from one point to another, thin and bone filling rubber
2 pairs (one brown, one black) lie unmoved on the nylon floor of the 1st one above the below, fruit grows upon us all but we are all dark and lie like cattle, a plastic grounding that we lick for the moisture that we need. But who wins? Look up and you see it all, depression hits you and appears as itself on the branches. Arguments fall and land on our heads. The end. Urinate and sympathise, we all miss a piece of the wall. Black untruths.
Word plays. I was a letter scripted for actors more than once. Body part history written on paper with a pen, created conversation, numbers for pretending they are something else again and again.
Monday 15 April 2013
Monday. 15th April 2013
Simple. Pimple. Spots on the horizon, Verizon telephone calls, AT&T credit, bicycle rides, chinese takeaways, tofu and printed zines, sickness and cramps, bee stings and sundance, westerns good and bad, fathers with pizzas, car drives to the city, bus rides, movie nights, dogs and cats, sleeping in hot rooms, blood on the sheets, scratches of letters in backs, branded and drunk, princes and pianos, sitting with sneakers, artists and beauty, eye staring thought sharing, unable to touch, hands on flat stomachs, skin feeling, underwear touching, contact lens wearing, shower shaving, condom wrapper throwing, heat wave swimming, waterfall drenching, naked standing, rock falling, tripping death fearing, wet feet skinny dipping, stairs staring, remembered face smiling, waitress flirting, message receiving, mother talking and judging, past reliving, pizza sitting, photo taking, park lying, game playing, testicle grabbing, football kicking, rope swinging, childish scream hearing, journal tearing and burning, memory cutting, vegetable growing, sheep helping, ram grunting, stick holding, chicken feeding, hay piling, snow shovelling, friend missing, radio talking, song writing, apple picking, corn eating, park walking, beer drinking, ghost talking, bag buying, face thinking, book reading, photobooth snapping, sweater giving, red stripes and black keeping, late night park drinking, fire building, scorched grass growing slowly, football line finding, mountain driving, cliff edge fearing, vans in mud and rain hitting roof hearing, mushroom searching, horses and tortoise spirit animal thinking, age wearing, mirror seeing, alien forming, music slowing, time travelling, universe making, imagination building, bed sitting, wall watching, Basquiat comparing, journal giving, memory sticking, leaf learning, ring wearing, marriage proposing, couch sitting, window looking, summer standing, yellow aura seeing, prediction guessing, date buying, sex working, bon jovi covering beer buying, whiskey drinking, corner stabbing dream worrying, street walking, eye staring, knife wielding, t-shirt tearing, basement show watching, violin hearing, small glass drinking, friend arguments happening, breakfast cooking, sad feeling writing, future writing, coffee making, onion cutting, ecstasy taking cue jumping, exit entrance, show collapsing, people meeting, photo taking, hand directing, wood cutting, log throwing, tractor riding, trailer bumping, airport meeting, fly buzzing, tire pumping, bike riding, hood wearing, darkness waiting, cold air and arguments on my birthday, house leaving, zombie drinking, drug taking, body meeting, eyes, telling, seeing, thinking, hair loving, smoke breathing, air gasping, window opening, dance judging, close sitting, memory purging, window jumping, face burning, matchstick holding, hair cutting, dinner making, lie telling, men kissing, forest walking, mosquito biting, body itching, bed laying, prom dress wearing, window sill sitting, parade watching, stairwell chatting, law learning, front room sleeping, scissor holding, bathroom door locking, dress wearing, beer pong playing, body filling, mind squeezing, marijuana smoking, boot wearing, hair cutting, head shaving, typerwriter hitting, space hunting, river dishwashing, wood excreting, shovel digging, people meeting, cyclist riding, train track hearing, track jumping, friend laughing, friend fearing, angry singing, audience uncaring, drum hitting, doors closing, bar fight brawling, old feeling, energy sapping, exhaustion, rebirth wishing, door banging, door lock locking, man sitting, rain waiting, body detaching, action forgetting, wire biting, machine breaking, hands shaking, hug giving, bridge singing, wall breaking, hard crying, heart breaking, life living, needing rebooting, plane flying, airport leaving, sun shining, taxi taking, face recognizing, smile showing, day dreaming, sweet ginger beer drinking, telephoto lens not working, alone clubbing, bar meeting, fiancee kissing, stranger photo taking, city street walking, grave visiting, shed burning, trolley melting, friend marrying, chances not taken, no regret holding, black ball holding, talk to emotions like they are children, fear is a child that needs reassurance, ice cream running, bare feet on sharp stones, ladder borrowing, window climbing, vodka drinking, song writing, loud music listening, around the house running, word typing, will I ever see them again, wish making, unicorn riding, mixtape making, gift posting, memory purging, bible reading, letter writing, wine drinking, lap sitting, smell breathing, heart beating, past leaving, too much to remember, film making, reels repeating, images insanely draining, book burning, skin touching, running through the fields in the rain, lightning striking, love falling, cars in the dirt, kicking and trying to talk, money desiring, freedom walking, present living, people loving, weight holding, your smile
Simple. Pimple. Spots on the horizon, Verizon telephone calls, AT&T credit, bicycle rides, chinese takeaways, tofu and printed zines, sickness and cramps, bee stings and sundance, westerns good and bad, fathers with pizzas, car drives to the city, bus rides, movie nights, dogs and cats, sleeping in hot rooms, blood on the sheets, scratches of letters in backs, branded and drunk, princes and pianos, sitting with sneakers, artists and beauty, eye staring thought sharing, unable to touch, hands on flat stomachs, skin feeling, underwear touching, contact lens wearing, shower shaving, condom wrapper throwing, heat wave swimming, waterfall drenching, naked standing, rock falling, tripping death fearing, wet feet skinny dipping, stairs staring, remembered face smiling, waitress flirting, message receiving, mother talking and judging, past reliving, pizza sitting, photo taking, park lying, game playing, testicle grabbing, football kicking, rope swinging, childish scream hearing, journal tearing and burning, memory cutting, vegetable growing, sheep helping, ram grunting, stick holding, chicken feeding, hay piling, snow shovelling, friend missing, radio talking, song writing, apple picking, corn eating, park walking, beer drinking, ghost talking, bag buying, face thinking, book reading, photobooth snapping, sweater giving, red stripes and black keeping, late night park drinking, fire building, scorched grass growing slowly, football line finding, mountain driving, cliff edge fearing, vans in mud and rain hitting roof hearing, mushroom searching, horses and tortoise spirit animal thinking, age wearing, mirror seeing, alien forming, music slowing, time travelling, universe making, imagination building, bed sitting, wall watching, Basquiat comparing, journal giving, memory sticking, leaf learning, ring wearing, marriage proposing, couch sitting, window looking, summer standing, yellow aura seeing, prediction guessing, date buying, sex working, bon jovi covering beer buying, whiskey drinking, corner stabbing dream worrying, street walking, eye staring, knife wielding, t-shirt tearing, basement show watching, violin hearing, small glass drinking, friend arguments happening, breakfast cooking, sad feeling writing, future writing, coffee making, onion cutting, ecstasy taking cue jumping, exit entrance, show collapsing, people meeting, photo taking, hand directing, wood cutting, log throwing, tractor riding, trailer bumping, airport meeting, fly buzzing, tire pumping, bike riding, hood wearing, darkness waiting, cold air and arguments on my birthday, house leaving, zombie drinking, drug taking, body meeting, eyes, telling, seeing, thinking, hair loving, smoke breathing, air gasping, window opening, dance judging, close sitting, memory purging, window jumping, face burning, matchstick holding, hair cutting, dinner making, lie telling, men kissing, forest walking, mosquito biting, body itching, bed laying, prom dress wearing, window sill sitting, parade watching, stairwell chatting, law learning, front room sleeping, scissor holding, bathroom door locking, dress wearing, beer pong playing, body filling, mind squeezing, marijuana smoking, boot wearing, hair cutting, head shaving, typerwriter hitting, space hunting, river dishwashing, wood excreting, shovel digging, people meeting, cyclist riding, train track hearing, track jumping, friend laughing, friend fearing, angry singing, audience uncaring, drum hitting, doors closing, bar fight brawling, old feeling, energy sapping, exhaustion, rebirth wishing, door banging, door lock locking, man sitting, rain waiting, body detaching, action forgetting, wire biting, machine breaking, hands shaking, hug giving, bridge singing, wall breaking, hard crying, heart breaking, life living, needing rebooting, plane flying, airport leaving, sun shining, taxi taking, face recognizing, smile showing, day dreaming, sweet ginger beer drinking, telephoto lens not working, alone clubbing, bar meeting, fiancee kissing, stranger photo taking, city street walking, grave visiting, shed burning, trolley melting, friend marrying, chances not taken, no regret holding, black ball holding, talk to emotions like they are children, fear is a child that needs reassurance, ice cream running, bare feet on sharp stones, ladder borrowing, window climbing, vodka drinking, song writing, loud music listening, around the house running, word typing, will I ever see them again, wish making, unicorn riding, mixtape making, gift posting, memory purging, bible reading, letter writing, wine drinking, lap sitting, smell breathing, heart beating, past leaving, too much to remember, film making, reels repeating, images insanely draining, book burning, skin touching, running through the fields in the rain, lightning striking, love falling, cars in the dirt, kicking and trying to talk, money desiring, freedom walking, present living, people loving, weight holding, your smile
Monday 25 March 2013
Monday, 25th March 2013
Funny how memories can creep back to you and sadness can fit right in.
I've recently been travelling through all of my time: childhood family memories, old loves and lovers, passed musical exploits. I once wrote a lyric in my late teens 'Memories were always meant to fade' and I knew how true that was, but unfortunately some memories never fade. These are the most intense ones, the ones of pure happiness and complete sadness. These memories are always easily at hand and you have to choose if you will let them in or not as they are usually very interconnected.
Right now I am fine, I feel I am almost too fine, as if I can accept most of what is thrown my way. I remain a thousand year old child waiting for it's mother to tell him how he should lead his life. I sit and I wait. I allow things to happen and rarely ever now curse his fortune, as fortune really is made mainly by ourselves. But how can a person who never learnt how to act act correctly?
I reassure myself with the fact that no one knows, that we all live either in complete ignorance or in complete confusion. That certain people choose to act regardless of these positions and that some choose to not act for the same reasons.
I am a person. I think and feel almost constantly and if I ever feel myself getting drawn into a situation that stops me from being conscious then I immediately stop myself and hide away and remain alone until I can keep up with time.
All faces of my history and future haunt me. I am never in the present moment but only in the what have beens and the what could be's. Never does my present match these 2 images and so I am constantly in a dream state. I live between 2 worlds, one which other people consider reality and one which I consider just as real as the other. Nothing is really real and nobody can ever join you on your own quest for reality as it is a journey that will always be one made alone.
Everybody is alone and will always be alone. The only comfort I take is that I will live this life knowing this instead of fooling myself that it could possibly be any other way.
Wednesday 6 March 2013
Wednesday, 6th March 2013
I see myself standing in a desert, I've been walking for thousands of years and yet I feel no closer to the goal (or even understanding what the goal is) than I did when I started. Occasionally signs appear that encourage me and seem to tell me that yes I am heading the right way, but too quickly the mirage disappears and I am once again staring at another sand dune next to a hundred others. I am tired, I am lost and yet I am immortal. I am obviously not the smartest being as I always seem to make the wrong choices or keep believing in the wrong things.
Part of me thinks that marrying myself to music was the worst decision I ever made because it locked me into a situation that should've been more flexible. If it weren't for music I could be living in India, or walking through the world anonymously as I have many times fantasied. I understand the argument that I could still do this, but stubborness kicks in and tells me that no, I cannot do anything until I have succeeded at my first aim. For if I cannot succeed at one thing than what chance do I have to succeed at another? No, This must be first!
In my teens I had strong deja vu, I had premonitions and a certain primitive psychic sense, but I managed to destroy those by cigarettes (I believe nicotine, or other drugs in tobacco inhibits psychic gifts), alcohol and general misuse of my body and mind. I also feel like I wasn't given much of a choice as to function as 'normal' in this society I felt I had to sacrifice many of my natural inclinations and reactions. My family generally gave the impression that to conform was the right thing to do, so as a child I tried my best to do that. I felt abnormal and so would teach myself to act as others did. It was probably in my 20's that I came to realise that this was more to do with the lack of confidence in my family to be who they really are than to conforming as a way to work under the radar to change things without being noticed. So that has long been my own personal goal, to work so below the radar that no one even knows that I am doing it. Unfortunately the idea is also so uncomfortably close to what we call delusion that I often doubt that I am actually doing anything at all. And when I look to see if anything has been acheived I am faced with yet another hundred sand dunes.
I have acheived little. I am doing something wrong. This I know. I don't think I've ever had a successful case, I am a dreadful detective, a poor psychologist, a lacking lyricist.
But still I march on, I have no other option. I don't believe this will be my last lifetime (oh, how I wish it were. I miss my wife) and so I must keep on until I hopefully figure it out. But really if anyone has any ideas about how to make all this stupidness seem a little more fun and enjoyable let me know.
"The view of the city and mountains from my sickbed seemed to me like a painted curtain with black holes in it..Disappointed, I thought, "Now I must return to the 'box system' again". For it seemed to me that beyond the horizon of the cosmos a three-dimensional world had been artificially built up, in which each person sat by himself in a little box. And now I should have to convince myself all over again that this was important! Life and the whole world struck me as a prison..."
I see myself standing in a desert, I've been walking for thousands of years and yet I feel no closer to the goal (or even understanding what the goal is) than I did when I started. Occasionally signs appear that encourage me and seem to tell me that yes I am heading the right way, but too quickly the mirage disappears and I am once again staring at another sand dune next to a hundred others. I am tired, I am lost and yet I am immortal. I am obviously not the smartest being as I always seem to make the wrong choices or keep believing in the wrong things.
Part of me thinks that marrying myself to music was the worst decision I ever made because it locked me into a situation that should've been more flexible. If it weren't for music I could be living in India, or walking through the world anonymously as I have many times fantasied. I understand the argument that I could still do this, but stubborness kicks in and tells me that no, I cannot do anything until I have succeeded at my first aim. For if I cannot succeed at one thing than what chance do I have to succeed at another? No, This must be first!
In my teens I had strong deja vu, I had premonitions and a certain primitive psychic sense, but I managed to destroy those by cigarettes (I believe nicotine, or other drugs in tobacco inhibits psychic gifts), alcohol and general misuse of my body and mind. I also feel like I wasn't given much of a choice as to function as 'normal' in this society I felt I had to sacrifice many of my natural inclinations and reactions. My family generally gave the impression that to conform was the right thing to do, so as a child I tried my best to do that. I felt abnormal and so would teach myself to act as others did. It was probably in my 20's that I came to realise that this was more to do with the lack of confidence in my family to be who they really are than to conforming as a way to work under the radar to change things without being noticed. So that has long been my own personal goal, to work so below the radar that no one even knows that I am doing it. Unfortunately the idea is also so uncomfortably close to what we call delusion that I often doubt that I am actually doing anything at all. And when I look to see if anything has been acheived I am faced with yet another hundred sand dunes.
I have acheived little. I am doing something wrong. This I know. I don't think I've ever had a successful case, I am a dreadful detective, a poor psychologist, a lacking lyricist.
But still I march on, I have no other option. I don't believe this will be my last lifetime (oh, how I wish it were. I miss my wife) and so I must keep on until I hopefully figure it out. But really if anyone has any ideas about how to make all this stupidness seem a little more fun and enjoyable let me know.
"The view of the city and mountains from my sickbed seemed to me like a painted curtain with black holes in it..Disappointed, I thought, "Now I must return to the 'box system' again". For it seemed to me that beyond the horizon of the cosmos a three-dimensional world had been artificially built up, in which each person sat by himself in a little box. And now I should have to convince myself all over again that this was important! Life and the whole world struck me as a prison..."
Tuesday 19 February 2013
Monday, 19th February 2013
So I've spent the past 3 days in my affectionately called 'cabin', the smallest room in the world which actually wasn't a room 4 years ago but simply a space at the top of the stairs. I've left the house for maybe a total of 15 minutes in those 72 hours. The rest of that time has been spent drinking on average about 12 cups of filtered coffee per day, smoking a ridiculous amounts of self rolled cigarettes and sitting in front of my Pro-Tools covered computer screen. Yes, I've been trying to write music again and man is it a bitch. I haven't come up with a fully formed song yet but quite a few disjointed ideas, riffs and bad melodies. However, this has been my conclusion so far:
Even though I always thought of 'success' as having written a song, putting it online and having people hear it, I realise now that actually the process it just as important. For the past 2 1/2 years I've neglected my duties as songwriter and haven't really dedicated myself to it at all. I haven't struggled and strived for the idea; held my head in my hands out of pure frustration; shouted 'FUUUUCKKK' at the computer screen for not being able to play a guitar part I wrote when I was 19 (which I did today. sorry, I gave up so it's not finished. Goddamn finger picking), and so I've been doing my job a disservice, I haven't been working at all. I've been living off the fruits of my past labour.
Well, these past 3 days I have been working. They may have proved unsuccessful so far but what do I expect for being so lazy these past few years. I am out of shape. Flabby and breathless. Out of touch with the Gods and they are ignoring me, and rightly so. I do remember however that there eventually does come a breakthrough, finally the pieces fit and you're on a roll again. So that is my aim. I have another 1 1/2 weeks off of work (granted 3 days will be in a studio recording parts to a new EP of old songs which will be fucking brilliant, amazing and my key to success) to get my shit together. I pledge that I will not give up or choose films, listening to other people's music or getting drunk during the day over this. Nightimes are mine however.
I would like an album of at least 10 new songs to be possible by the end of my seclusion.
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Friday, 8th February 2013
Had 2 amazing dreams last night. The first where I was in a room with 2 people who were ganging up on me, one male and one female, being mean and insulting. So as revenge I started to think of ailments for them which they then commented on. I decided to speak through the female and prove to them that they were my creations. She was quite confused about what was going on but the male realised quite quickly what I was doing. They were then sad that they didn't exist and that this world wasn't real, but the love between us was so strong, we all hugged on a couch and I promised them I'd send others to them to keep them company. Then I disappeared and woke up.
Once awake I had another experience of ego death, very much like the 2 times of last year. I placed my right hand on my face just like I had done the previous 2 times. Suddenly I was aware that I had died again and that I hadn't done anything with my life. I can't quite explain the emotions that run through me when I experience these things, but each time there has been a sequence of emotions that run one after the other in a specific order. It always ends up the same which is one of complete loneliness but with the realisation that you must get up every day and get to work. Life is work. Creation is work.
The 2nd dream I was somewhere (it felt like America) where gangs with guns were shooting, I tried to hide behind a fence though I wasn't scared. One guy shot right at where I was so I felt like he could see me even though I thought I was hidden. As the bullets went through the fence where I was it became obvious that the bullets weren't hitting me or having an affect. Eventually I decided to float above the fence which threw them off as they hadn't seen a levitating being before. Floating in an upright position felt awkward so I decided to sit in the lotus position. I spoke to them briefly (by this point they had stopped shooting), and decided to explore this world.
I floated over a highway and then layers and layers below started to exist. Much like a mirror facing a mirror but with each layer forming in sequence. Heading below made me feel a little uncomfortable so I decided to head upward instead. I told myself I wanted to conquer this world and transported myself up. Light began to become brighter and brighter until it was almost blinding, I have no idea at what speed I was travelling but I was passing through each layer. For no particular reason I decided to stop and it was dark with an unlit stairway. Someone sat at a booth much like a ticket stall, I headed up the stairs and went through the door, very excited to be at a new place. I bumped into a demonic looking fellow and pleaded with him to let me visit. He seemed quite surprised at my request and his response was "This is the Gents". Suddenly I realised it was just a toilet, which made me laugh but also excited me. I was here! I was now outside of this other me's being and could see that I was red with horns, much like the traditional looking devil, but I was so happy to have found another dimension. (I think they 'look' of the devil has had a pretty bad rep).
I then woke up.
Dreams like these always make me feel pretty good, I can explore the universe without ever leaving my room if I so choose, actions in the physical world are important but I'm also trying to find a way to control my own physical existence through thought alone.
So I've spent the past 3 days in my affectionately called 'cabin', the smallest room in the world which actually wasn't a room 4 years ago but simply a space at the top of the stairs. I've left the house for maybe a total of 15 minutes in those 72 hours. The rest of that time has been spent drinking on average about 12 cups of filtered coffee per day, smoking a ridiculous amounts of self rolled cigarettes and sitting in front of my Pro-Tools covered computer screen. Yes, I've been trying to write music again and man is it a bitch. I haven't come up with a fully formed song yet but quite a few disjointed ideas, riffs and bad melodies. However, this has been my conclusion so far:
Even though I always thought of 'success' as having written a song, putting it online and having people hear it, I realise now that actually the process it just as important. For the past 2 1/2 years I've neglected my duties as songwriter and haven't really dedicated myself to it at all. I haven't struggled and strived for the idea; held my head in my hands out of pure frustration; shouted 'FUUUUCKKK' at the computer screen for not being able to play a guitar part I wrote when I was 19 (which I did today. sorry, I gave up so it's not finished. Goddamn finger picking), and so I've been doing my job a disservice, I haven't been working at all. I've been living off the fruits of my past labour.
Well, these past 3 days I have been working. They may have proved unsuccessful so far but what do I expect for being so lazy these past few years. I am out of shape. Flabby and breathless. Out of touch with the Gods and they are ignoring me, and rightly so. I do remember however that there eventually does come a breakthrough, finally the pieces fit and you're on a roll again. So that is my aim. I have another 1 1/2 weeks off of work (granted 3 days will be in a studio recording parts to a new EP of old songs which will be fucking brilliant, amazing and my key to success) to get my shit together. I pledge that I will not give up or choose films, listening to other people's music or getting drunk during the day over this. Nightimes are mine however.
I would like an album of at least 10 new songs to be possible by the end of my seclusion.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friday, 8th February 2013
Had 2 amazing dreams last night. The first where I was in a room with 2 people who were ganging up on me, one male and one female, being mean and insulting. So as revenge I started to think of ailments for them which they then commented on. I decided to speak through the female and prove to them that they were my creations. She was quite confused about what was going on but the male realised quite quickly what I was doing. They were then sad that they didn't exist and that this world wasn't real, but the love between us was so strong, we all hugged on a couch and I promised them I'd send others to them to keep them company. Then I disappeared and woke up.
Once awake I had another experience of ego death, very much like the 2 times of last year. I placed my right hand on my face just like I had done the previous 2 times. Suddenly I was aware that I had died again and that I hadn't done anything with my life. I can't quite explain the emotions that run through me when I experience these things, but each time there has been a sequence of emotions that run one after the other in a specific order. It always ends up the same which is one of complete loneliness but with the realisation that you must get up every day and get to work. Life is work. Creation is work.
The 2nd dream I was somewhere (it felt like America) where gangs with guns were shooting, I tried to hide behind a fence though I wasn't scared. One guy shot right at where I was so I felt like he could see me even though I thought I was hidden. As the bullets went through the fence where I was it became obvious that the bullets weren't hitting me or having an affect. Eventually I decided to float above the fence which threw them off as they hadn't seen a levitating being before. Floating in an upright position felt awkward so I decided to sit in the lotus position. I spoke to them briefly (by this point they had stopped shooting), and decided to explore this world.
I floated over a highway and then layers and layers below started to exist. Much like a mirror facing a mirror but with each layer forming in sequence. Heading below made me feel a little uncomfortable so I decided to head upward instead. I told myself I wanted to conquer this world and transported myself up. Light began to become brighter and brighter until it was almost blinding, I have no idea at what speed I was travelling but I was passing through each layer. For no particular reason I decided to stop and it was dark with an unlit stairway. Someone sat at a booth much like a ticket stall, I headed up the stairs and went through the door, very excited to be at a new place. I bumped into a demonic looking fellow and pleaded with him to let me visit. He seemed quite surprised at my request and his response was "This is the Gents". Suddenly I realised it was just a toilet, which made me laugh but also excited me. I was here! I was now outside of this other me's being and could see that I was red with horns, much like the traditional looking devil, but I was so happy to have found another dimension. (I think they 'look' of the devil has had a pretty bad rep).
I then woke up.
Dreams like these always make me feel pretty good, I can explore the universe without ever leaving my room if I so choose, actions in the physical world are important but I'm also trying to find a way to control my own physical existence through thought alone.
Monday 28 January 2013
Monday, 28 January
God is a comedian and I am so grateful for it. These past 8 months have been a joy to behold, the universe unfolds and its gifts are there for you to see and take and be part of.
God is a pretty dark comedian where only extremes are funny but that's the way I like it. At every stage this past year the universe has kept on giving, if one thing changes there's been another circumstance just waiting around the corner. I haven't been left waiting or wanting, wondering on decisions. Everything has been good. Experiences have been forced onto me whether my natural hermit tendecy would allow it or not and I think that's because I have finally found a way to tune in, to not hold myself back from something that has wanted to give something to me.
Joy and sadness, it's all a drama, something you can be a part of or step outside of, but it's entertaining whichever way you experience it. Love is all around and you should grant yourself that love, let love take you and let yourself love the best you can. It's not always easy I grant you but that is the comedy of it all; love or fear: the only two choices you have. Humour or strife. Everything is funny, everything is dark, everything is beautiful. I find so much joy in pain nowadays that I can't see a difference.
Tuesday 15 January 2013
Tuesday 15 January 2013
Now if what they call the big bang did happen within one instant and everything suddenly came into being all at once then we can be lead to believe that time is indeed just an illusion. The whole universe is a being that is growing as it get older and becoming more aware of itself as it goes through that process, but the process happened so quickly that all awareness is actually a past event. We are the universe looking at its history and trying to figure out what happened. The idea that God has a plan is ridiculous, God has no idea that it even exists. God is a natural event that is simply trying to understand itself just as we as humans are also trying to understand ourselves. And we do this by looking back at our past, everything we've been through, everything that ever happened and how we try to predict our futures usually to no avail. What we see as the universe is a moment after the big bang looking at itself to try to understand what has already happened. We are already dead, God has already understood itself but we are currently at the stage where it was still looking for answers. Our intuition and wisdom is simply a dragging effect from the past that spreads out ahead of us. We are still too slow to understand but it is all there and has already been done.
Now if what they call the big bang did happen within one instant and everything suddenly came into being all at once then we can be lead to believe that time is indeed just an illusion. The whole universe is a being that is growing as it get older and becoming more aware of itself as it goes through that process, but the process happened so quickly that all awareness is actually a past event. We are the universe looking at its history and trying to figure out what happened. The idea that God has a plan is ridiculous, God has no idea that it even exists. God is a natural event that is simply trying to understand itself just as we as humans are also trying to understand ourselves. And we do this by looking back at our past, everything we've been through, everything that ever happened and how we try to predict our futures usually to no avail. What we see as the universe is a moment after the big bang looking at itself to try to understand what has already happened. We are already dead, God has already understood itself but we are currently at the stage where it was still looking for answers. Our intuition and wisdom is simply a dragging effect from the past that spreads out ahead of us. We are still too slow to understand but it is all there and has already been done.
Friday 11 January 2013
Friday, 11th January 2013
If we are actually living behind the veil of memory then the more we view everything as a past event the better we can shape our existence. We will not be wishing for something specific to happen but will be remembering and thankful that it has happened and did already happen.
If it is a veil that holds back the knowledge of past memory then the assumption should be made that its possible to pass through different levels of it. Serendipity; coincidence; positive thought leading to positive outcome; psychic powers; understanding of people and situations both intuitively and fully consciously; expansion of power and love; spreading wisdom and knowledge. If all is past then the fact is we have already chosen and done what we decided to do in this life, however, the amazing thing is that if we can see it as already finished then we possibly could also have done something so magnificent and wonderful which we have still yet to enjoy in this state of consciousness. If we feel like we led an interesting and fulfilled life then we probably most likely did and so the best is still yet to come.
If we are actually living behind the veil of memory then the more we view everything as a past event the better we can shape our existence. We will not be wishing for something specific to happen but will be remembering and thankful that it has happened and did already happen.
If it is a veil that holds back the knowledge of past memory then the assumption should be made that its possible to pass through different levels of it. Serendipity; coincidence; positive thought leading to positive outcome; psychic powers; understanding of people and situations both intuitively and fully consciously; expansion of power and love; spreading wisdom and knowledge. If all is past then the fact is we have already chosen and done what we decided to do in this life, however, the amazing thing is that if we can see it as already finished then we possibly could also have done something so magnificent and wonderful which we have still yet to enjoy in this state of consciousness. If we feel like we led an interesting and fulfilled life then we probably most likely did and so the best is still yet to come.
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