Tuesday 19 February 2013

Monday, 19th February 2013

So I've spent the past 3 days in my affectionately called 'cabin', the smallest room in the world which actually wasn't a room 4 years ago but simply a space at the top of the stairs. I've left the house for maybe a total of 15 minutes in those 72 hours. The rest of that time has been spent drinking on average about 12 cups of filtered coffee per day, smoking a ridiculous amounts of self rolled cigarettes and sitting in front of my Pro-Tools covered computer screen. Yes, I've been trying to write music again and man is it a bitch. I haven't come up with a fully formed song yet but quite a few disjointed ideas, riffs and bad melodies. However, this has been my conclusion so far:
Even though I always thought of 'success' as having written a song, putting it online and having people hear it, I realise now that actually the process it just as important. For the past 2 1/2 years I've neglected my duties as songwriter and haven't really dedicated myself to it at all. I haven't struggled and strived for the idea; held my head in my hands out of pure frustration; shouted 'FUUUUCKKK' at the computer screen for not being able to play a guitar part I wrote when I was 19 (which I did today. sorry, I gave up so it's not finished. Goddamn finger picking), and so I've been doing my job a disservice, I haven't been working at all. I've been living off the fruits of my past labour.
Well, these past 3 days I have been working. They may have proved unsuccessful so far but what do I expect for being so lazy these past few years. I am out of shape. Flabby and breathless. Out of touch with the Gods and they are ignoring me, and rightly so. I do remember however that there eventually does come a breakthrough, finally the pieces fit and you're on a roll again. So that is my aim. I have another 1 1/2 weeks off of work (granted 3 days will be in a studio recording parts to a new EP of old songs which will be fucking brilliant, amazing and my key to success) to get my shit together. I pledge that I will not give up or choose films, listening to other people's music or getting drunk during the day over this. Nightimes are mine however.
I would like an album of at least 10 new songs to be possible by the end of my seclusion.

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Friday, 8th February 2013

Had 2 amazing dreams last night. The first where I was in a room with 2 people who were ganging up on me, one male and one female, being mean and insulting. So as revenge I started to think of ailments for them which they then commented on. I decided to speak through the female and prove to them that they were my creations. She was quite confused about what was going on but the male realised quite quickly what I was doing. They were then sad that they didn't exist and that this world wasn't real, but the love between us was so strong, we all hugged on a couch and I promised them I'd send others to them to keep them company. Then I disappeared and woke up.

Once awake I had another experience of ego death, very much like the 2 times of last year. I placed my right hand on my face just like I had done the previous 2 times. Suddenly I was aware that I had died again and that I hadn't done anything with my life. I can't quite explain the emotions that run through me when I experience these things, but each time there has been a sequence of emotions that run one after the other in a specific order. It always ends up the same which is one of complete loneliness but with the realisation that you must get up every day and get to work. Life is work. Creation is work.

The 2nd dream I was somewhere (it felt like America) where gangs with guns were shooting, I tried to hide behind a fence though I wasn't scared. One guy shot right at where I was so I felt like he could see me even though I thought I was hidden. As the bullets went through the fence where I was it became obvious that the bullets weren't hitting me or having an affect. Eventually I decided to float above the fence which threw them off as they hadn't seen a levitating being before. Floating in an upright position felt awkward so I decided to sit in the lotus position. I spoke to them briefly (by this point they had stopped shooting), and decided to explore this world.
I floated over a highway and then layers and layers below started to exist. Much like a mirror facing a mirror but with each layer forming in sequence. Heading below made me feel a little uncomfortable so I decided to head upward instead. I told myself I wanted to conquer this world and transported myself up. Light began to become brighter and brighter until it was almost blinding, I have no idea at what speed I was travelling but I was passing through each layer. For no particular reason I decided to stop and it was dark with an unlit stairway. Someone sat at a booth much like a ticket stall, I headed up the stairs and went through the door, very excited to be at a new place. I bumped into a demonic looking fellow and pleaded with him to let me visit. He seemed quite surprised at my request and his response was "This is the Gents". Suddenly I realised it was just a toilet, which made me laugh but also excited me. I was here! I was now outside of this other me's being and could see that I was red with horns, much like the traditional looking devil, but I was so happy to have found another dimension. (I think they 'look' of the devil has had a pretty bad rep).

I then woke up.

Dreams like these always make me feel pretty good, I can explore the universe without ever leaving my room if I so choose, actions in the physical world are important but I'm also trying to find a way to control my own physical existence through thought alone.