Thursday. 14th November 2013

God was one but became two, the positive and negative polarities, masculine and feminine, and they were in perfect harmony of creation and destruction but when they looked upon themselves as separate from each other and from God they began to divide and subdivide continuously to rid themselves of the knowledge of truth. They began as not many and retained memories of their creation, built cities and destroyed them.
The splitting of self continues to create an illusion of time where we travel further and further out, smaller and smaller, larger and larger. The Universe ceases to exist every time we return to the start point, but of course everything = nothing and so life can only continue once consciousness has been fragmented and divided, a suggestion believed or not believed.
As it was inevitable that everything should get split apart it is also similarly inevitable that everything will again begin to reform. We had the best and have been through the worst, now let us do it all backwards.

Thursday, 14th November 2013

My father's birthday. Would've been 74 by now.
"I am above Valis
I am above, Valis"
Being plugged in, being unplugged
Explosions and
Time doesn't exist only experiences exist
The experiences of everyones experience creates
The illusion of time but each experience creates
Life
The story continues down the families until all called to a halt
It becomes tedious and you begin to remember all those rules
So you die and you remember
And you see, the other lives you remember

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I half expected them to start speaking
German in the ambulance whilst
I relived the journey from the beginning again
I was my daughter, I was there at the start
Seeing the end
From one to split in two
Two to a family
Family of Gods
Gods in animals
Animals roaming, shattered fragments, splinters of a family
Tree
A connection, I am above it, I am above
Droplets pooling back into oceans
One ocean, a family of Gods

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I am pushing it because I feel close to something
A clue somewhere
Change
This time I kept my clothes
And could come home the same night
I'd been murdered and loved and heard the voice
That said
Music, it was written
After her
I could feel the rain but it was my body disintegrating
Guillotined in France
Kurt Cobain's shotgunned head
Neal Cassady; my best friend; Jimi Hendrix
I didn't stay long in Greece or Rome
The writings are so old and out of date
Way back when we were so few and could still speak
Now we are spread apart
Flickering lights, candles dim in the dark
But everlasting
and reconnecting
Eventually
I will see all my loved ones again

 Sunday, 10th November 2013

Saturday, 9th November 2013

I'm having an experimental evening and so far it's going great. Here's a couple of things I've written so far. The 2nd one was actually written this morning so has a different tone to the 1st.

What we tend to call ‘love’ (in terms of 2 people being together) could actually take on the role of manifest fear if not careful. The need to be wanted, needed, found attractive; the fear of losing them to another, the possessiveness and jealousy, the need to keep the love going are all negative, when love is actually the giving of the easiest and most abundant thing in the world. This would be termed ‘true’ love.
Acceptance and recognition of the other in their most honest self who you love unconditionally. It isn’t necessarily a choice, you love who you love, but it also doesn’t need to be exclusively for one person, love is a neverending fountain. It’s rejection of love (maybe feeling unworthy or distrustful of it) and fear of it not being ‘real’ that turns love into fear. Fear is possessive and insecure and tries to constantly hold on to its self-fabricated foundations, tries to force a structure out of simplicity or make it into a formula to be followed.
Love is just there and endless and fearless. Once we accept love and believe it without fear we can love freely, truthfully and endlessly. There is no limit to love. You can love as many people as you like.
Too many relationships are based on insecurity, a lack of something needing to be filled and fear, but because we call it ‘love’ and have assigned our own meaning to the word we believe we are following love and not fear. But the need to possess something or someone and to force it into a pre-defined structure is not love. My heart is open and my love doesn’t die

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In institutions where instruments of expression have all been taken away people will often smear their faeces over themselves and walls. I foresee an equivalent eventually happening on the streets and general society as it seems an outcome of feeling impotent and powerless. The other option involves attaining some kind of power, which would probably build so quickly and exponentially that it would most likely spin out of control with disastrous consequences.

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Another:

Been thinking about computer code and how it relates to the universe and humans. Begin as an empty data space and then each experience and data imputed as equations and how each equation changes the form and so we are writing computer code with every movement and thought we follow. And as all codes are breakable if you learn the language then you can edit your own code or learn equations. By interaction of your code with others you get to change the total equation. More equations that compliment and add to a positive outcome can then change the entire outcome. We are all equations of data and consciousness of this means our personal equations can become closer to god

Friday, 8th November 2013

Read this today in R.D Laing's Politics of Experience. Took me by surprise how Jesse explains his experience as apart from a couple of things it feels like I could've written it myself after my Berlin trip in August 2012.

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Jesse Watkins’s own description of his inner experiences. The barriers between Jesse’s known self, and wider self had been broken down by overwork, fatigue, a dog bite, and a visit to hospital. Below is quoted some of his description of what he saw of himself.

“But I had a feeling at times of an enormous journey in front, quite, er, a fantastic journey, and it seemed that I had got an understanding of things which I’d been trying to understand for a long time, problems of good and evil and so on, and that I had solved it inasmuch that I had come to the conclusion, with all the feelings that I had at the time, that I was more—more than I had always imagined myself, not just existing now, but I had existed since the very beginning, from the lowest form of life to the present time, and that that was the sum of my real experiences, and that what I was doing was experiencing them again. And that then, occasionally I had this sort of vista ahead of me … ahead of me was lying the most horrific journey, the only way I can describe it is a journey to the final sort of business of being aware of all—everything. It was such a horrifying experience to suddenly feel, that I immediately shut myself off from it because I couldn’t contemplate it, because it sort of shivered me up—I was unable to take it…”

He goes on to say, “I had feelings of gods, not only God but gods as it were, of beings which are far above us capable of, er, dealing with the situation that I was incapable of dealing with, that were in charge and running things and, urn, at the end of it, everybody had to take on the job at the top. And it was this business that made it such a devastating thing to contemplate, that at some period in the existence of oneself, one had to take on this job, even for only a momentary period, because you had arrived then at an awareness of everything. What was beyond that I don’t know. At the time I felt that God himself was a madman… because he’s got this enormous load of having to be aware and governing and running things—and that all of us had to come up and finally get to the point where we had to experience that ourselves.., the journey is there and every single one of us has got to go through it, and everything— you can’t dodge it… the purpose of everything and the whole of existence is, er, to equip you to take another step, and another step, and another step, and so on.
It’s an experience that, um, we have at some stage to go through, but that was only one, and that many more—a fantastic number of things have got to impinge upon us until we gradually build ourselves up into an acceptance of reality, and a greater and greater acceptance of reality and what really exists.”
Jesse was “at sea” in this inner condition for ten whole days. Finally he felt that he couldn’t take it any more and closed down the barriers again. He says, “I was suddenly confronted with something so much greater than oneself, with so many more experiences, with so much awareness, so much that you couldn’t take it.”
“I didn’t have the capacity for experiencing it. I experienced it for a moment or two but it was like a sudden blast of light, wind, or whatever you like to put it as, against you so that you feel that you’re too naked and alone to be able to withstand it; you’re not strong enough. It’s like a child or an animal suddenly confronted—or being aware of—an adult’s experiences for him, for instance. The grown-up person has experienced a lot in their life time, they’ve built up gradually their capacity for experiencing life and looking at things… And I was facing things then that I just hadn’t got the equipment to deal with.
Jesse goes on to say that most of us are only equipped for just the very experiences we are going through in life. Any more, or any suddenly widened consciousness, might be too much. Just as the baby is not equipped to face the full sexual experience, or of being alone, nor are most of us equipped for any full cosmic experience, or for “taking it all by ourselves.” Those great souls who appear to have this ability, usually say that repeated earth lives have prepared them for it.

Friday, 1st November 2013

A glass jar full of teeth and sour milk
Frothy with lies your mouth foams
While a tear embraces your false eyelash
Don't smile
The void is uncomfortable
And the years ahead or the years behind only
Remind us
That crying is inevitable