Wednesday 23 January 2019

Wednesday, 23rd January 2019

For the internet to find the cyclical feedback that causes self consciousness:

Monday 21 January 2019

Monday, 21st January 2019

I see this blog not so much as a blog for me or for anyone reading it (as I know for a fact there are either none, or very few that do) but it is for the future AI system that we will all be embedded within.

All of us internet based people will have at least some of our identity within the AI's code. All is not lost. Nothing is lost if it is databased. And I would like my voice to still be there as a little author from the past mentioning itself and its life.

I've recently been thinking that there is actually no art form better than fine art and people who paint art.
I never used to think this.
I used to have a feeling that all art had been painted, to such a degree that it became photographic, and why would you paint instead of taking photos of the reality around you.

Well here is why:

Painting as far as I can see is the ONLY art form that hasn't changed its mediums over the years.

My form has been music, and as far as I know it has come from chants and choirs to instruments and scores, through music hall and crooning, to musicians writing their own music, to being produced to a high degree, and now we have musicians that not only have to write the music, play it well, play many instruments, but also record it to a satisfactory degree, market it to people who want to hear it, and then to produce it onto a physical form that won't disappear as soon as the internet dies.

Writing is a technique, and minds can write what they desire to create, but then translation and timings come into play. Are the best poets of ancient china really being read the same way they are today? Translation and language let us down

Films are young, only around 100 years old, and as great as they are they have had to make many sacrifices to their original artworks and include many people who are allowed to change and dicatate the original vision into something that works somewhere between 'art' and 'commercial'.

Fine arts and painting, as far as I can see, is the only form that has not changed. We still use paints similar to those hundred of years ago, upon surfaces that were used hundreds of years ago.
What defines a great artist in this form is someone who is still living within that art form, someone who has never left it even though it may have seemed throwaway at one point.
Someone who only has their own fight against themselves to paint what they think as well as they can, knowing that the medium has stayed relatively the same over the years.
They can compare themselves to the great artists of the past unlike any other artform can, because it is about vision and technique and not so much about the fickleness of medium and form.
Monday, 21st January 2019

(Disclaimer: From my own experiences and no-one elses: as all this blog is)

The adult psychotic split could be explained from the difference of a childs-like acceptance of all things, ie. a child's experience is 'what is' and not 'what is not'.

All things that happen as a child are just accepted into your reality, but when you become more aware and have certain things embedded into your ego consciousness then you have a 'what is' and a 'what is not' reaction to new experiences.

So now I am older, each new experience is in battle with the many previous years' experience, and these can cause disharmony within my brain, there can be a 'free' me which is open to everything and also a 'challenging' me which questions any new experience and views it as a threat.

Therefore, becoming unhinged or scared of a new experience is more likely to have a stronger impact because there are more 'me's' trying to understand it.

What needs to be remembered is that a child's acceptance is one of the most beautiful things we can have and so any troubles amounted from new experiences resulting in a certain kind of psychosis is actually a positive and welcoming thing, even if what it makes us feel is terrified.

A child wouldn't be terrified, it would just see what was. Time and experience gives us a certain view of what should be, and what shouldn't be, and this helps us grow in many ways but then can also harm us from growing in others.

Friday 11 January 2019

Friday, 11th January 2019

When I first started writing songs as William Nein 'Myspace' was the main occupier of space on my internet. And I think back and I always used to write and record a song as quick as possible to get my song 'out there' into the world.
And I look at myself now and I realise it's all been the same thing. There's always been the need for instant gratification, to say 'this is my work, I wonder if it's any good, will you tell me?'
And of course the internet has gotten faster. Funnily enough not in music terms which is what I wanted, but in phrases and words and photos. Still needing the quickest route for people to say 'That is good'.
I know shows like Black Mirror have covered our needs of these for a long time, but I wonder how much impact it's had on art itself.
How many people can write something or paint something without that validation?
All artists used to paint into a black hole, you would work painstakingly on a piece to maybe one day have a few people see or hear it. Would work so hard to make it mean everything to you and for it to mean something to others, but now it's just another throwaway.
This is not a criticism of the times it's more an intrigue.
Is there any way of doing it without that need? Or is that need now so inherent that fighting against it is just fighting a losing battle against the tide of now?

It's an interesting predicament. I know that I fall into the trap and want the same things as others, even though I know that really the only judge of your own artwork is you yourself. We should be aiming to make the best piece that we can possibly make. But I am lazy.
Is all I want the validation? Then that doesn't make me an artist.
Or is it that I am an artist fighting against the need for validation whilst also doing it?
Is this a choice?
History shows us that we all live within a certain timeframe. Who knows what they will say about ours, but I doubt it will bring much light. I feel like these are our current dark ages. People focusing all energy on arguing with one another without any focus. Contradictions of people saying they are trying to save the planet but also not really thinking about how much they are an asshole.

They are not troubled times as yet, they are intriguing times, one where I don't think anyone knows any answers and most are looking for a strong leader but can't find one that is really good enough.

Art was always meant to show that way, but I feel I am failing as an artist because I am also just wanting to be part of the crowd. I want people to like my work whether musical or image based, even if this is against my core belief.

But I can't purely rebel just because I don't agree with it, because part of me also wants to be included. I'm not sure if this makes me less of an artist or just one that isn't so stubborn it can't see it's own self.

Art has become very confused over the past 20 years. I don't think it knows where it is or what it is or what it represents.

To art I would say 'It's ok, you're just growing, and you may get confused over this period of time but you will find your way someday'.

I guess that's what I tell myself

Thursday 10 January 2019

Wednesday, 9th January 2019

For the first time ever I think that technology has really superseded human thought. Look at the internet.
Really look at it. Pretty much everything that anyone has ever thought or ever wanted to express is on there now, but what do people do? They'll just limit themselves to their own thought patterns, visit whatever 5 sites they deem worthy of their time and not really look beyond that.
This is not a judgement, I do it myself. But wow.

If anything has shown how limited the mind can be and how imagination can be and how narrow minded human beings can be the internet has really put us in our place.

It is surely the biggest anthropologist experiment that has ever happened:
'What human beings are'

We are all simple and incapable of really grasping the enourmousness of the universe. Even within one that we all helped to create we still look towards masters and corporations to tell us what to do with it. It's quite sad. But more than that. If we can really grasp our limitations and see it as a way to grow and a way to expand then it will surely still be a helpful assistant.
The age is still new. We haven't even yet begun to experiment with it and what its capabilities are, we started as naive inventors, growing into mass induced corporations, and now are in the subordinate role of following what we are told.
But underneath all of that there is still a certain kind of thing we may call freedom.
People can still make choices, they can still choose to explore the outer realms of the internet and find great art; film, music, photography, words, that can still inspire us to a new sense of reality.

What the internet has shown is much like the drug/hippydom/lsd age that the 60's gave us.
There are countless possibilities, but how many people really want those possibilities? Mostly none.

Humans are still weak and in need of being taken care of, they still want to be told what to do.
Bur someday there will be a breakthrough of people saying:

'There is no one. There is no one but us. And we write the story. And those who are in power have no imagination. It is up to the rest of us to create a story worth living. We are not living it now'

Tuesday 8 January 2019

Tuesday, 8th January 2019

My dreams for the past few weeks:

30th December 2018
Going for an evaluation at a mental ward, feeling afraid I wouldn’t be allowed back out
I’m lucky cause I don’t earn enough to pay, neither does mum so I’d be getting a grant for it

A house surrounded by green, small town village
A gate with a large animal kinda like a dog sized owl, open the gate to let it out, it goes off into the dark and then 3 dogs come out chasing something, not sure if it’s alive or dead. Run to the house away from the dogs, the dogs can come through the railings and gates, what’s the use of these gates
Can find the key to the new place, feel all pockets but nothing
Don’t want dogs to attack me

A girl two guys a brother and mother a father
She’s had enough and is finally leaving with her boyfriend
They all say how rubbish the dad is and how much he’s held them all back

There’s a cupboard and I keep going back to look at these photos
They’re staged but also real

There’s acting and double crossing going on but I’m not sure who’s the good guys and who’s the bad guys

To get into the house we manage to sneak into one part and the girl is using an aerial to create some kind of signal the others (men in suits in a high tech room) can hone in on


27th December 2018
A party in my own house
I’m in my bed
Feeling hungry so I go get some cereal and something else, but am heating the milk for some reason
Some guy is eating the turkey in the fridge, obviously high, ask him how he’s enjoying the party he says a lot, that people are teaching him lots of different things. I tell him to hold back on the turkey cause he’s eating 5 legs, I cover the turkey and close the fridge. He seems a little put out but seems to accept it enough.
Everyone’s on a beach and a guy wants to leave the same time I do and the leave the others there, I say sure. But as we go to leave people, especially a girl, like one of his girlfriends, asks him where he’s going and stops him from taking the towel.
Whilst they’re play fighting I fold the towel ready for a quick get away
I hear him half jokingly kinda blame me for leaving early but he’s not being mean
Everyone decides to leave
As he comes up to me I say with a smile ‘hey, don’t don’t blame me! I’m happy to leave alone’
Someone says about some place where we could go get a blow job, I say I don’t know anywhere in town. I’m in that quietly confident mood where I don’t say much but I make clear points, don’t really make much conversation but obviously also don’t care if I’m being matter of fact and to the point

I’m in a plane
Wait. There was a flickering tv screen linked up to a couple of bits of old electrical equipment, something that should be able to keep it or print it or something. I turn the tv off via turning the vhs off which has this image on pause. Some kind of wall maybe

I’m in a plane, like a computer simulator, within a game, I’m not very good at flying. I crash and start again
There are people and I start shooting at them, accidentally then on purpose killing them with my rotors (?? Plane) and guns
They start shooting back and are similar to nazis so I don’t mind killing them
I’m on a roof being a sniper and shooting a couple of them but they don’t all die. I keep shooting but the bullets don’t seem to work. They come towards me, I sit, meditate my way out of the world, looks like I take a pill when I haven’t
Some girl appears and gives me her ring to wear. It fits on my 2nd finger on the left hand
I disappear but then am slightly worried as I kinda come back and can’t quite leave the place and don’t want to be caught
But then I am on a train, a small carriage

26th November 2018

Dreamed of being in a bed
There was a magicians business card there which seemed blank but if you tilted it correctly under light it would show that symbols were hidden into the card
Each symbol representing a certain power or function
After rubbing my fingers over them I had a went to turn off my tv and pointed my phone at it expecting nothing but as I did so it fast forwarded the video
(A film was playing, starting with two Arnies like brothers before flashing back or forward into a corresponding storyline
I was freaked out but also thought it was very cool that I could do it
I tried lifting and not lifting other things like a lamp etc but it didn’t work
It felt like the tool and symbol were connected and you needed both to work, wrong tool (phone pointed to the tv like a wand) or wrong symbol (the last one my finger had fallen on) would produce no results
Learning the language and the tools was what helped prevent mistakes from happening
I felt scared but also excited
The tv was freaky
Flickering the video image in black and white as if bleeding from the wrong channel



26th December 2018

Weird anteater type animal, lobster colour shell, long spindly neck, two dang front teeth. Would be defensive by walking backwards, protecting its softer front side, stands upright

26th November 2018 #2

Me and A friend were in a room like a newsagents or shop on the beach side
There were what were like civil war bullets and then these shots that were quite large and my friend found it funny to keep throwing it at me
I didn’t like it and they really hurt when they hit you

26th 2018 #3

Dreamed of being in a house, similar to Alberta street (Kennington), having a shower with clothes on
Before that filming a scene in a kitchen

Before that I had a one seater car like really small,


25th December 2018

Nathanial Hawthorne

Extreme tv show, people falling, fights, anger, fearful

Two guys at a stall selling vitamins which turns out were cut with heroin
3 girls come in, one bloody faced and shoots one of them

I run out the building
Feels like New Zealand
1 guy in a small car/buggy gets out an d runs in
I walk calmly down the street pretending I weren’t there
Pick up journalist friends
Tell them the story


14th November 2018

Waiting for a train at Waterloo, with George.
Trains keep disappearing from the boards before we can get one.
A line of hot stewardesses pass by and I’m on platform 8 which is the wrong one. They have lots of trolleys
A pub quiz starts on that platform as if a pub
Bump into Ray the window cleaner
George is coming back with a beer and a red wine. I’ve just spend my last £20 on this pub quiz deposit so now don’t have money for the train
The next train is on the board but I know we’re going to miss it. It disappears and the next one isn’t for a long time, a bit anxious.
Ray says should we be drinking, we might get caught. Offer him the drinks but take the offer back and head off.
On a train, a couple sits behind a bit and they something loudly and Alice talks about it and I reply unaware loudly too so she is embarrassed and asks we don’t talk about it as they would’ve heard. I say it doesn’t matter
The man passes and looks like he’s had plastic surgery

A field, like a film. A flashback with Kevin Costner
The fields had been soaked in gasoline and all the workers/slaves working the land were caught on fire and were burning, but Kevin Costner had run towards the sprinklers and dove behind them just as the flames started, he felt guilty for watching them knowing there was nothing he could do but felt traumatized for seeing them and hearing the screams
A flashforward/backward to a young Elijah Wood and his brother (from radio flyer) and the brother is not yet a nazi, says they would free the slaves one day, mother is only just cutting the peconias


11th November 18

I was running away but kept she kept following
Eventually she caught up and from a distance told me about the skin condition she had, and I could see the pigment being different on her face until her face became distorted and unlike her old one. It made me sad, she was regretful but also strong and accepting

6th November 2018

Dreamed I found a Stanley Kubrick collection on vhs and bought it for £8
Bought a burger from Macdonalds which was all fancy food plus a Big Mac but dropped my burger on the floor. 4 kids sitting around and started bullying me.
Went to one of their houses as apparently I was staying there but we hadn’t met yet and I drank a load of orange juice as payback (?!)


31st October 2018

Went to some kind of game arcade, put in a couple of coins and got back some credits but didn’t know how to claim them or what they were for. I wanted to win money and wanted to put a pack of 20ps in another machine but my friends forced me to leave
The screens were odd and interactive, my lucid dreaming felt more like an interaction with this other world as if I were half asleep and half awake
During random half awake moments I could feel my body visiting other peoples


6th October 2018

Undo panel and mess around with the inside
Changes the outside world
Being against authority
Rebel
Trying to fix society and change the rules

‘Grease bit’

Face red and swollen needed anti histamine

On a train/bus going to the back
With backpack and laptop