Sunday, 7th August 2016

15:18
After sleeping in till 2pm I am now forcing myself to take a walk. The awareness of how much a hold my anxiety has on me is astounding. My mind is trying to find any reason to stay here alone in a small room doing nothing, there is absolutely no reason not to leave, to take a couple of cameras and walk to the parks and through the town, there is no reason to choose lack of movement over action, just to avoid the unknown, to avoid living.
Yesterday I had a good rumination on why I am the way I am in certain aspects that I dislike about myself and so much of it comes down to me feeling constantly in a heightened state of anxiety and awareness, that avoiding everything is better than becoming a part of things because everything can hold a threat to you. But the world is not going to change, people will not all suddenly change and I will not suddenly feel a part of the world, but I can at least attempt to walk among it by choice and not necessity, to try and create new neural pathways that bypass the anxiety and turn anxiety into excitement, for those two things are closely related, the opposite of them is non-action, ceasing to exist completely and let days and months pass by without connecting to anything.

I have a week off of work now and inbetween bouts of brooding and useless wondering I hope to challenge myself to take those first small steps to alter my preconceived, baseless notions.