Monday, 25th January 2016

I have just started watching a tv show called 'Mr Robot' and it seems quite timely. It appears to have connections between the Matrix, computers (Alan Turing), and Phillip K Dick realities. I came across the show because I watched a film called 'Comet' by the same writer, and that dragged me in due to its love story which resonates deeply with my own ones and certain people I have fallen in love with.
Where my mind is now (episode 2) is that hacking has become so much more sophisticated, future based reality where the only hackers in the future can somehow integrate themselves into the digital world to alter events, like revolution of evil similar to Christ, and demons fighting the eventual winner of light.
To do this we had to subject ourselves to a forgetting, a placement like a job into a part of the digital world. This could've been anywhere in the linear timeline of physical reality, but that also connects itself with the future.
Being a part of this infiltration we have had to succumb to certain limitations within the physical world. We could actually be beings from the future placed within a certain circumstance to change or affect the reality we live in. This is how I have often felt.
I frequently feel as though I am not here to be a person, but to be a figurehead or idea, which would also coincide with my feelings of alienation and isolation.
I am a very lonely person, I have never truly felt to belong to any one situation or group or idea. This can come across as delusion or arrogance or of being difficult or somehow alien to other people.
It actually feels like a curse.
But one of the only things that comforts me is that I am here for a reason.
Many people would say that that is a weakness, that it is only through not being able to accept that the world is chaos and we are just here for the ride that I create such a worthlessness towards my life or actions.
I simply don't understand.
Whether it is delusion, or narcissism, I do feel important. I do feel like I am here for a reason and I do feel the negatives of trying to exist within a world where I am seen as crazy or stupid.
If I am not here for a special purpose then I don't know why I would be here at all because I do not feel a part of anything, I do not feel connected or understood by many, and I often get hopeless at this glaringly obvious point.

However, I would make a good hacker within a system that cannot find what cannot be found within itself. If I do not understand then I also cannot be tracked or found easily. This we could call the sub-conscious or even unconscious forces that move people to where they are meant to be.
I do not know what I am meant to do, maybe I have already done it. Maybe I saved an important persons life, or said one thing that helped someone else in a time of need. Maybe I have done what I came here for and so can therefore be deleted from the system. But I hope not. I hope I have much more to discover and to share, and whether anyone will listen or not is not my worry. I worry I may be delusional, but I cannot worry about expressing myself as truly as I have been created. That is my only duty to the world.