Wednesday, 15th January 2014

Funny how past relationships can affect you in ways you forget about until situations arise that remind you. Much like childhood and the ways you were brought up by your parents, attitudes and assumptions and feelings that became a part of your make up and whether these are concrete or malleable in reality doesn't alter the fact that they are a part of you and that they are not as easy to change as you would hope. I think back ten years and notice what fears I had then that disappeared over time and by having experiences that taught me they weren't to fear, and I also notice the fears I didn't have back then but that which were suddenly put in me by an experience or two. The fears can then often lie dormant, you believing that you have adjusted and gotten over them when in reality it could be that you just altered your lifestyle to fit these fears, whether by avoiding certain situations completely or reacting/rebelling against them. They can lie dormant for a long time until you really DO forget about them, but eventually one day a situation appears which manages to jump all the hurdles and squeeze under the fences, and this just changes your world completely. Everything you felt that was impossible no longer seems so far fetched, and those dreams you had of beauty and sweetness are suddenly real. Then at some point those fears you forgot about reintroduce themselves to you and the more you fight them and try to rid yourself of them the more they shout to be heard, and that's where I found myself recently, fighting myself with hopes and fears until I just had to stop. I lie in the dark. Relaxed and melancholic and peaceful. I write and it feels good. I'm allowing things to overtake me and run through me knowing that they want to be heard and so will listen to them with respect. Fears are not truths, they were not always there and will once again cease to affect me once I accept repetition of experience is not a necessity. I am being myself and allowing myself to be.