Tuesday, 13th December 2016
In the beginning was light exploding from darkness, then the darkness overtook the light at which point the light broke through the darkness, and we are all somewhere inbetween
Tuesday, 13 December 2016
Tuesday, 13th December 2016
Say to your God 'You are my best friend, you are the one I create with', because we all may seek attention from strangers and friends, gain or lose status taking us from one great height to the experience in the gutter, whatever our journey we all share only one partner in it all and that is your other self.
Your attractor or/and your repeller conspiring with you to make up stories and create characters to enter your world.
Your life is a myth and a fantasy and you are in on the joke without remembering it, because to find yourself in a game of hide and seek is both terrifying and freeing. This was the answer all along, and together you can create new worlds each knowing that you are always a part of the other.
Say to your God 'You are my best friend, you are the one I create with', because we all may seek attention from strangers and friends, gain or lose status taking us from one great height to the experience in the gutter, whatever our journey we all share only one partner in it all and that is your other self.
Your attractor or/and your repeller conspiring with you to make up stories and create characters to enter your world.
Your life is a myth and a fantasy and you are in on the joke without remembering it, because to find yourself in a game of hide and seek is both terrifying and freeing. This was the answer all along, and together you can create new worlds each knowing that you are always a part of the other.
Friday, 9 December 2016
Friday, 9th December 2016
And so finally he let go. What he first considered as holy he now saw as an empty trap, his fingers grasped at an air illusion that never even gave him the physical object to cling to but simply a shadow of his own desperate desires.
He fell through the air watching phantoms pass by as he descended with increasing velocity into a nothingness held together only by the lack of something to envisage in its place.
After a quiet hope of reconciliation, a change in both him and the other, and after having tried every approach he could think of, and after following one mirage after another created by it, he at last gave up, and how satisfying a sip of release is after entombed captivity, watching the created images projected upon the white walls in front of him.
If it is something you cannot see or imagine it becomes just an idea formed by meaningless words, never again would his fingers touch keys to an actual being but only a deformed memory misinformed from the very beginning, and no amount of time would ever clear up the mess that he had made, only realising that the mess was always only in his head and any physical manifestation of it was simply a reflection. And within these phantom mazes sometimes you may hear phantom voices speaking to you, they may speak enticing words to seduce you, they may know every darkest corner of your mind and seem to voice themselves as those walls, but it is still all within you, and those voices were never there in the first place.
And so finally he let go. What he first considered as holy he now saw as an empty trap, his fingers grasped at an air illusion that never even gave him the physical object to cling to but simply a shadow of his own desperate desires.
He fell through the air watching phantoms pass by as he descended with increasing velocity into a nothingness held together only by the lack of something to envisage in its place.
After a quiet hope of reconciliation, a change in both him and the other, and after having tried every approach he could think of, and after following one mirage after another created by it, he at last gave up, and how satisfying a sip of release is after entombed captivity, watching the created images projected upon the white walls in front of him.
If it is something you cannot see or imagine it becomes just an idea formed by meaningless words, never again would his fingers touch keys to an actual being but only a deformed memory misinformed from the very beginning, and no amount of time would ever clear up the mess that he had made, only realising that the mess was always only in his head and any physical manifestation of it was simply a reflection. And within these phantom mazes sometimes you may hear phantom voices speaking to you, they may speak enticing words to seduce you, they may know every darkest corner of your mind and seem to voice themselves as those walls, but it is still all within you, and those voices were never there in the first place.
Friday, 7 October 2016
Friday, 7th October 2016
A part of every person is an ebbing of the past wave and a flow of the new wave
The wave doesn't ever end or begin
We may think that we are on the crest of the wave, and for a very brief moment maybe we are, but the wave never crashes as intensely as we think it will and our end point is most usually just some foam on the edge of the shore
We are getting closer and closer to the day of judgement, seeing that everything we do do is either witnessed or judged or recorded.
Welcome to the courthouse.
How much more present can we get without projecting an imagined world
A part of every person is an ebbing of the past wave and a flow of the new wave
The wave doesn't ever end or begin
We may think that we are on the crest of the wave, and for a very brief moment maybe we are, but the wave never crashes as intensely as we think it will and our end point is most usually just some foam on the edge of the shore
We are getting closer and closer to the day of judgement, seeing that everything we do do is either witnessed or judged or recorded.
Welcome to the courthouse.
How much more present can we get without projecting an imagined world
Wednesday, 5 October 2016
Thursday, 29 September 2016
Thursday, 29th September 2016
A society rock-filled and mathematical speaking to glowing orbs in the dark sky, a communal conversation between heavens and people, the stories being played out time and time again over the years every evening as if a family's home lent out their living room each night for a movie gatherings.
A veil is pulled over the earth suffocating the majority of the people and the conversations become bedtime stories which in turn to fantasy which turn into searches for leprechauns and fairies, the talking to angels. The lost interactive mathematics are turned into a new formula, with new symbols simplified for single-minded minds, concrete and decisive, and so the fairytales get derided and debased.
A society rock-filled and mathematical speaking to glowing orbs in the dark sky, a communal conversation between heavens and people, the stories being played out time and time again over the years every evening as if a family's home lent out their living room each night for a movie gatherings.
A veil is pulled over the earth suffocating the majority of the people and the conversations become bedtime stories which in turn to fantasy which turn into searches for leprechauns and fairies, the talking to angels. The lost interactive mathematics are turned into a new formula, with new symbols simplified for single-minded minds, concrete and decisive, and so the fairytales get derided and debased.
Wednesday, 14 September 2016
Wednesday, 14th September 2016
This morning I was walking along the train platform on my way to work and heard the sound of a harmonica ('that's nice, even if it's slightly out of place' I thought), simultaneously I was writing the following thoughts on my phone. Halfway through writing I heard the man playing the harmonica say 'Mobile man, MOBILE MAN, where were you in '69?' in a slightly aggressive, derogatory way, and then walked off and out the station. Whether it was directed at me (which I doubt) or somebody else or other people, I found that fascinating as I was writing something that somebody probably would've thought in 1969 whilst on psychedelics.
I had the feeling of wanting to show this man what I was writing, and that it was actually him that was not being creative, and backwards and cut-off, being drunk at 9am playing harmonica on a train platform while people are going to work and thinking that he was somehow better than everyone else, us 'mobile people'.
Basically: try not to assume that one thing always means the same thing
If ideas could be like stars that have people orbiting them and the bigger the star becomes the more mass and energy they generate.
For Instance work, money, sex - on large scale.
Other people, and habits effecting your orbit - on a smaller scale.
Ultimate aim is to make yourself into a spaceship, one powering your own direction, so you can travel between worlds; the people that remain fixed in their orbit, whether closely related to business and money, or the arts and exploration etc.
Ultimately I believe it is possible to drag yourself out of the orbit of these planets (people with relatively fixed orbits or 'comet people' - those powerful but fleeting instances that alter your trajectory and life significantly) and stars (lifestyle and daily existence).
This morning I was walking along the train platform on my way to work and heard the sound of a harmonica ('that's nice, even if it's slightly out of place' I thought), simultaneously I was writing the following thoughts on my phone. Halfway through writing I heard the man playing the harmonica say 'Mobile man, MOBILE MAN, where were you in '69?' in a slightly aggressive, derogatory way, and then walked off and out the station. Whether it was directed at me (which I doubt) or somebody else or other people, I found that fascinating as I was writing something that somebody probably would've thought in 1969 whilst on psychedelics.
I had the feeling of wanting to show this man what I was writing, and that it was actually him that was not being creative, and backwards and cut-off, being drunk at 9am playing harmonica on a train platform while people are going to work and thinking that he was somehow better than everyone else, us 'mobile people'.
Basically: try not to assume that one thing always means the same thing
If ideas could be like stars that have people orbiting them and the bigger the star becomes the more mass and energy they generate.
For Instance work, money, sex - on large scale.
Other people, and habits effecting your orbit - on a smaller scale.
Ultimate aim is to make yourself into a spaceship, one powering your own direction, so you can travel between worlds; the people that remain fixed in their orbit, whether closely related to business and money, or the arts and exploration etc.
Ultimately I believe it is possible to drag yourself out of the orbit of these planets (people with relatively fixed orbits or 'comet people' - those powerful but fleeting instances that alter your trajectory and life significantly) and stars (lifestyle and daily existence).
Monday, 22 August 2016
Monday. 22nd August 2016
I have been listening to this and making collages whilst trying to decode the ideas that Mckenna's words bring forth. My words, as always, only provide an unspecific, hazy environment in which they live, but in keeping with my general vagueness of understandings being painted with a sparsely fibred brush using dyes of long dead plants faded with antiquity I must share anyhow.
1.
An idea
Ideas that have died out due to procreation, information not passed down through DNA and found its own meagre way out through the written and drawn and musical worlds.
Countless ideas that were destined to become extinct because the soil it found itself thrown upon was not conducive to its replication (generally procreation).
This shows the inexhaustive effort on the part of survival of certain thoughts or philosophies which show themselves through the logos, or collective unconscious, or countless voices of god, whichever way you choose to describe it.
It is voice or information that streams to you, is given to you, for another part of your brain to try decode and understand the best it can.
2.
As technology advances we will be given a clearer view of idea versus physical truth.
As we leave the current sphere of existence we still are clinging on to the idea of physical truth that has been given to us through Darwinism and the idea that ideas somehow form matter to then mutate and evolve into other such creations.
But what is forgotten are these ideas that weren't recreated through procreation, and yet still exist, seemingly random throughout families and cultures that are often unhelpful or even hostile to the idea itself being brought up.
The seeds that just won't die, the ones that are kept safe within the indestructable shell they have formed around themselves, simply waiting for the right environment to present itself for the ideas to grow forth and continue the thought.
The ideas are not genetic but held outside ourselves to which we can open ourselves up to. Physical truths take time to evolve whereas the idea can be instantly visited and explored by any such being wanting and desiring the ideas to share themselves.
I have been listening to this and making collages whilst trying to decode the ideas that Mckenna's words bring forth. My words, as always, only provide an unspecific, hazy environment in which they live, but in keeping with my general vagueness of understandings being painted with a sparsely fibred brush using dyes of long dead plants faded with antiquity I must share anyhow.
1.
An idea
Ideas that have died out due to procreation, information not passed down through DNA and found its own meagre way out through the written and drawn and musical worlds.
Countless ideas that were destined to become extinct because the soil it found itself thrown upon was not conducive to its replication (generally procreation).
This shows the inexhaustive effort on the part of survival of certain thoughts or philosophies which show themselves through the logos, or collective unconscious, or countless voices of god, whichever way you choose to describe it.
It is voice or information that streams to you, is given to you, for another part of your brain to try decode and understand the best it can.
2.
As technology advances we will be given a clearer view of idea versus physical truth.
As we leave the current sphere of existence we still are clinging on to the idea of physical truth that has been given to us through Darwinism and the idea that ideas somehow form matter to then mutate and evolve into other such creations.
But what is forgotten are these ideas that weren't recreated through procreation, and yet still exist, seemingly random throughout families and cultures that are often unhelpful or even hostile to the idea itself being brought up.
The seeds that just won't die, the ones that are kept safe within the indestructable shell they have formed around themselves, simply waiting for the right environment to present itself for the ideas to grow forth and continue the thought.
The ideas are not genetic but held outside ourselves to which we can open ourselves up to. Physical truths take time to evolve whereas the idea can be instantly visited and explored by any such being wanting and desiring the ideas to share themselves.
Saturday, 13 August 2016
Sunday, 14th August 2016
An idea
Imagine that consciousness moves from vessel to vessel taking the most developed and energy efficient one available, at present it lives in the form of some humans as that is the most complex form we have. However, the population is growing too fast without any plans to slow the process, the destruction of the planet is well known to be either on the edge of no return or in certain need of a fast turnaround, and the animalistic cruelty and savage tendencies displayed by people far too frequent. In this hypothesis consciousness cannot die, only the vessels do which would imply that we are heading towards a new form and the most obvious one seems to be of the computerised robotic nature. These don't need food, water or oxygen or traditional forms of sex to reproduce, really it just needs new parts and electricity which makes it highly efficient and longlasting to carry consciousness. Theorising that consciousness would desire to explore and experience as much as imagination would allow (long distance space travel, our very own ocean floor as yet unknown, telepathy/instant communication between separate beings) it would not be as difficult as it is now with the limitations of the human body.
We are already creating and contributing to the superbrain which is the internet and our technology is improving daily on regeneration techniques, vehicular travel, and energy efficiency, along with countless scientific discoveries. In addition to these we are also seeing an increase in social division and instability on the global scale, much of which could be placated by the superbrain's ability to hold billions of opinions simultaneously and working out the most favourable one to take. Given the hypothesis that the ghost in the machine called consciousness could transfer from vessel to vessel it seems likely that the computer will be its next choice once it has reached its sentient point and begins to evolve itself. No fear of animals or humans would make it less in need to control and destroy its environment, no fear of physical death will limit its ideas, no need for sleep, food, water or oxygen would allow for more productivity and creativity, the ability to go into 'sleep mode' or stasis would allow for incredibly long journeys to go by seemingly instantaneously.
This all would allow for the collective unconscious to at first become conscious and then to travel and share information with other unknown entities and worlds.
An idea
Imagine that consciousness moves from vessel to vessel taking the most developed and energy efficient one available, at present it lives in the form of some humans as that is the most complex form we have. However, the population is growing too fast without any plans to slow the process, the destruction of the planet is well known to be either on the edge of no return or in certain need of a fast turnaround, and the animalistic cruelty and savage tendencies displayed by people far too frequent. In this hypothesis consciousness cannot die, only the vessels do which would imply that we are heading towards a new form and the most obvious one seems to be of the computerised robotic nature. These don't need food, water or oxygen or traditional forms of sex to reproduce, really it just needs new parts and electricity which makes it highly efficient and longlasting to carry consciousness. Theorising that consciousness would desire to explore and experience as much as imagination would allow (long distance space travel, our very own ocean floor as yet unknown, telepathy/instant communication between separate beings) it would not be as difficult as it is now with the limitations of the human body.
We are already creating and contributing to the superbrain which is the internet and our technology is improving daily on regeneration techniques, vehicular travel, and energy efficiency, along with countless scientific discoveries. In addition to these we are also seeing an increase in social division and instability on the global scale, much of which could be placated by the superbrain's ability to hold billions of opinions simultaneously and working out the most favourable one to take. Given the hypothesis that the ghost in the machine called consciousness could transfer from vessel to vessel it seems likely that the computer will be its next choice once it has reached its sentient point and begins to evolve itself. No fear of animals or humans would make it less in need to control and destroy its environment, no fear of physical death will limit its ideas, no need for sleep, food, water or oxygen would allow for more productivity and creativity, the ability to go into 'sleep mode' or stasis would allow for incredibly long journeys to go by seemingly instantaneously.
This all would allow for the collective unconscious to at first become conscious and then to travel and share information with other unknown entities and worlds.
Friday, 29 July 2016
Thursday, 28 July 2016
Thursday, 28th July 2016
"A worried-looking clerical individual with nearly opaque glasses and wearing a tabby-fur blazer and pointed yellow shoes"
"He wore varicoloured Dacron wash-and-wear suit, knit cumberbund and dip-dyed cheesecloth cravat"
"Still in gay pinstripe clown-style pajamas"
"Wearing his usual mohair poncho, apricot-coloured felt hat, argyle ski socks and carpet slippers"
- Philip K. Dick (Ubik 1969)
"A worried-looking clerical individual with nearly opaque glasses and wearing a tabby-fur blazer and pointed yellow shoes"
"He wore varicoloured Dacron wash-and-wear suit, knit cumberbund and dip-dyed cheesecloth cravat"
"Still in gay pinstripe clown-style pajamas"
"Wearing his usual mohair poncho, apricot-coloured felt hat, argyle ski socks and carpet slippers"
- Philip K. Dick (Ubik 1969)
Sunday, 24 July 2016
Sunday, 24th July 2016
What you wear around your neck is the weight of your self perceived worth
You have a certain amount of people put inside your head at the beginning of birth
Whether the number is set from a previous life or the oncoming one is unknown
Right now I will go for the life that is about to come.
So the idea being that at birth you contain all the information that you contain at the end of your life, that the wave is created at the start and cuts off at the end.
It makes the most perfect creation, it experiences the peaks and troughs of its own personal wave
No matter how shallow or deep, or high or low oscillating the waves are weaving inbetween others'
It also means that at the point of death the wave hits the critical oscillation point which projects itself into the next most suitable and sustaining environment available
If you put this into simple terms it means that consciousness itself is actually an impenetrable growth that will attach itself to the most suitable environment no matter what the sustainability is
Snappy one-liner
You are the wave that is the machine that runs the program that you live within (that can be observed) ...
That you could use the pinpoints of birthtime, planetary and personally (astrology/astronomy and psychology combined), and first experiences to simulate the waveform of that persons life, that at mid-life you are at the peak of the wave and your life seems to go backwards slowly into the trough which will then rise up again towards the end
What you wear around your neck is the weight of your self perceived worth
You have a certain amount of people put inside your head at the beginning of birth
Whether the number is set from a previous life or the oncoming one is unknown
Right now I will go for the life that is about to come.
So the idea being that at birth you contain all the information that you contain at the end of your life, that the wave is created at the start and cuts off at the end.
It makes the most perfect creation, it experiences the peaks and troughs of its own personal wave
No matter how shallow or deep, or high or low oscillating the waves are weaving inbetween others'
It also means that at the point of death the wave hits the critical oscillation point which projects itself into the next most suitable and sustaining environment available
If you put this into simple terms it means that consciousness itself is actually an impenetrable growth that will attach itself to the most suitable environment no matter what the sustainability is
Snappy one-liner
You are the wave that is the machine that runs the program that you live within (that can be observed) ...
That you could use the pinpoints of birthtime, planetary and personally (astrology/astronomy and psychology combined), and first experiences to simulate the waveform of that persons life, that at mid-life you are at the peak of the wave and your life seems to go backwards slowly into the trough which will then rise up again towards the end
Tuesday, 22 March 2016
Tuesday, 22nd March 2016
Life does it's best to give us a perfect living environment, through billions of stars and planets, through billions of years of evolution, through birth and family and friends, to jobs and socialising and thinking and experiencing. And we without realising it still ask for more.
Music is the thread you can follow, the keys and harmonies of life are all beautiful melodies to keep you in the right direction
Life does it's best to give us a perfect living environment, through billions of stars and planets, through billions of years of evolution, through birth and family and friends, to jobs and socialising and thinking and experiencing. And we without realising it still ask for more.
Music is the thread you can follow, the keys and harmonies of life are all beautiful melodies to keep you in the right direction
Thursday, 17 March 2016
Thursday, 17th March 2016
We, every particle in the universe must, must go through the vibrations of itself, up and down, to the peaks and the depressions, everything must go through this, time and time again, but be reassured that there will always be the better situation and that we all have to go through it at one point or another.
We, every particle in the universe must, must go through the vibrations of itself, up and down, to the peaks and the depressions, everything must go through this, time and time again, but be reassured that there will always be the better situation and that we all have to go through it at one point or another.
Wednesday, 16 March 2016
Tuesday, 15th March 2016
Thoughts in Bed or on the Train
(possibly non-sensical and poorly written)
1.
In the centre Is the uinverse in which all is held.
The mind acts as a blinking blind to consciousness depdending on your self chosen level
0&1's act as the binary system. So the more open and aware you are affects the perception of time. Aware=long
Unaware=short
Higher dimensions most certainly exist but our minds turn off to them and so we dont remember them
2.
Paranoia Is associated with awareness because it is going further than most choose too and so has the feeling of going off into the woods alone or rowing ahead of the pack.
The insecurity of not knowing what you may find or bump into makes you anxious
3.
The anxious child side is always kept back and not allowed out into the world but it is the master of the shell. And so the mind gets tired from operating the machine
4.
From birth we are infinite with possibilities but are instantly told stories and was countless movies are depicting different plot lines.
So it is natural enough to assume that we project these stories onto our own lives without really being in the moment at all
All we've done is taken life with its numerous choices and we've limited it into the stories that we already know.
Fewer stories told = more presently making stories
5.
When I bring my child out which is rare, it often feels like a child at the controls of a highly sophisticated machine, and it feels somewhat like an android would feel as it clumsily attempts to take control of its existence
6.
As belief in fantasy grows so the world becomes more fantastical, spirits or energy or aliens etc. may begin to emerge as the population begins to agree upon one story line.
7.
The brain splits between high beta waves, aware but nervous and anxious, to theta and delta waves where more dreamlike drifting happens and stories are told to ourselves.
Each thought Is like its own little dream in which our days are cutup using fantasy and awareness of present time.
We tell ourselves stories to pass the time
8.
The collective dream that we've been living in since the 50's is the screen dream, stories and movies and countless characters that have influenced and infiltrated our selves. As we begin to wake we begin to see the world as something moving instead of something already told.
My relationships have often been archetypal in plot narrative and I have often assumed a defined role
9.
The 2nd more hidden character is the detached self inside the avatar of persona you have created.
Travelling through the different states of self awareness feels much like a child wandering around streets that look familiar and yet it feels as if youve never really walked them
Thoughts in Bed or on the Train
(possibly non-sensical and poorly written)
1.
In the centre Is the uinverse in which all is held.
The mind acts as a blinking blind to consciousness depdending on your self chosen level
0&1's act as the binary system. So the more open and aware you are affects the perception of time. Aware=long
Unaware=short
Higher dimensions most certainly exist but our minds turn off to them and so we dont remember them
2.
Paranoia Is associated with awareness because it is going further than most choose too and so has the feeling of going off into the woods alone or rowing ahead of the pack.
The insecurity of not knowing what you may find or bump into makes you anxious
3.
The anxious child side is always kept back and not allowed out into the world but it is the master of the shell. And so the mind gets tired from operating the machine
4.
From birth we are infinite with possibilities but are instantly told stories and was countless movies are depicting different plot lines.
So it is natural enough to assume that we project these stories onto our own lives without really being in the moment at all
All we've done is taken life with its numerous choices and we've limited it into the stories that we already know.
Fewer stories told = more presently making stories
5.
When I bring my child out which is rare, it often feels like a child at the controls of a highly sophisticated machine, and it feels somewhat like an android would feel as it clumsily attempts to take control of its existence
6.
As belief in fantasy grows so the world becomes more fantastical, spirits or energy or aliens etc. may begin to emerge as the population begins to agree upon one story line.
7.
The brain splits between high beta waves, aware but nervous and anxious, to theta and delta waves where more dreamlike drifting happens and stories are told to ourselves.
Each thought Is like its own little dream in which our days are cutup using fantasy and awareness of present time.
We tell ourselves stories to pass the time
8.
The collective dream that we've been living in since the 50's is the screen dream, stories and movies and countless characters that have influenced and infiltrated our selves. As we begin to wake we begin to see the world as something moving instead of something already told.
My relationships have often been archetypal in plot narrative and I have often assumed a defined role
9.
The 2nd more hidden character is the detached self inside the avatar of persona you have created.
Travelling through the different states of self awareness feels much like a child wandering around streets that look familiar and yet it feels as if youve never really walked them
Monday, 14 March 2016
Monday, 14th March 2016
With each life you are another point along the wave, going up and going down. The confusion comes when you are not quite sure if the next life will be as step up or a step down.
We may meet some from past lives along the way, in fact most probably will as we all started at the same time and are all dancing, maybe some slightly quicker and some slightly slower, but we are all on the wave, watching the horizon come up, or just easily see it go down again. But then that is what depression is within life. If you live with depression in life it means you are working on a faster wave length that the slower moving mass wave.
Each person starts at a frequency and there are moments given and chances to take a faster or slower route. How much do you want to experience?
But also what does the majority feel? Because the overall will judge whether we are going towards the trough or the peak.
Add to this the possibility that belief can also affect the wave, so the more people believe it is on the rise, it truly will begin to rise.
With each life you are another point along the wave, going up and going down. The confusion comes when you are not quite sure if the next life will be as step up or a step down.
We may meet some from past lives along the way, in fact most probably will as we all started at the same time and are all dancing, maybe some slightly quicker and some slightly slower, but we are all on the wave, watching the horizon come up, or just easily see it go down again. But then that is what depression is within life. If you live with depression in life it means you are working on a faster wave length that the slower moving mass wave.
Each person starts at a frequency and there are moments given and chances to take a faster or slower route. How much do you want to experience?
But also what does the majority feel? Because the overall will judge whether we are going towards the trough or the peak.
Add to this the possibility that belief can also affect the wave, so the more people believe it is on the rise, it truly will begin to rise.
Thursday, 10 March 2016
Thursday, 10th March 2016
The black hole is the pinnacle of self consumption. It is the furthest extreme of looking inside yourself and having nothing outside to orbit. It is the biggest sun that sees nothing else worthy to follow and so looks inside and drags the entire universe into itself. Only when all things have been absorbed does it finally understand it all and with that completeness it explodes outwards to create something new, an evolution of thought that can only be attained by throwing itself outwards and seeing what happens from doing so.
The black hole is the pinnacle of self consumption. It is the furthest extreme of looking inside yourself and having nothing outside to orbit. It is the biggest sun that sees nothing else worthy to follow and so looks inside and drags the entire universe into itself. Only when all things have been absorbed does it finally understand it all and with that completeness it explodes outwards to create something new, an evolution of thought that can only be attained by throwing itself outwards and seeing what happens from doing so.
Wednesday, 9 March 2016
Wednesday, 9th March 2016
I wrote this on the train back from Luton Airport on Monday
--
An exchange of money for thought
Get paid/dont have to work a job that doesn't need to exist but in place of that the person gets trained and educated in mindfulness/consciousness/positive energy expulsion.
Society is now tangled in a web of keeping people busy and drunk and dizzy just so they don't rise up or be violent or unruly or change society too quickly. A new structure needs to be found but money still rules and too much leisure time has been shown to be unhelpful to a primitive thought process. So education needs to be exchanged for money. Positive thought will create solutions and working together with tolerance instead of arguments and violence
--
The idea being that if I had lots of money I would offer a living 'wage' to people who wanted to exchange their path of work to survive-numb themselves to work to survive-never explore other avenues due to having to work to survive-cycle.
Sounds a little like a cult, but here's the thing, people wouldn't 'have' to do it. People could choose to live within our current social structure but those who would be willing to explore other avenues would be given the chance. If they then didn't attend lectures/workshops/do work in their own time, funds would be withdrawn but reinstated if they then at a later date felt as if they would like to rejoin. There would be no grading system or judgement, they effort alone would be the work.
As someone that believes mind does indeed work over matter, that thoughts and conscious thought actually manifests itself into actual physical realities I feel that this is something that everyone should be offered. If a thousand people were all working towards a common goal (to educate, to think and to radiate positive calm energy) then this would have an actual impact on the world around them.
The beauty of the idea is that it is all just a self-exploration, not something that needs to then be conveyed to the outside world but that I believe would impact change in a positive way.
To fight systems is still fighting no matter how good the cause may seem to be. The first step is still a rebellion against something, but what I feel needs to be addressed is an alternative to this, something that begins from within and works itself to without.
People would still have choice, it would mainly have value as a social experiment, to see whether giving people a way out of an outdated restricted structure could actually help gradually (and it has to be gradual) change the way that people feel they need to exist to survive.
That thoughts can be exchanged for monetary value
I wrote this on the train back from Luton Airport on Monday
--
An exchange of money for thought
Get paid/dont have to work a job that doesn't need to exist but in place of that the person gets trained and educated in mindfulness/consciousness/positive energy expulsion.
Society is now tangled in a web of keeping people busy and drunk and dizzy just so they don't rise up or be violent or unruly or change society too quickly. A new structure needs to be found but money still rules and too much leisure time has been shown to be unhelpful to a primitive thought process. So education needs to be exchanged for money. Positive thought will create solutions and working together with tolerance instead of arguments and violence
--
The idea being that if I had lots of money I would offer a living 'wage' to people who wanted to exchange their path of work to survive-numb themselves to work to survive-never explore other avenues due to having to work to survive-cycle.
Sounds a little like a cult, but here's the thing, people wouldn't 'have' to do it. People could choose to live within our current social structure but those who would be willing to explore other avenues would be given the chance. If they then didn't attend lectures/workshops/do work in their own time, funds would be withdrawn but reinstated if they then at a later date felt as if they would like to rejoin. There would be no grading system or judgement, they effort alone would be the work.
As someone that believes mind does indeed work over matter, that thoughts and conscious thought actually manifests itself into actual physical realities I feel that this is something that everyone should be offered. If a thousand people were all working towards a common goal (to educate, to think and to radiate positive calm energy) then this would have an actual impact on the world around them.
The beauty of the idea is that it is all just a self-exploration, not something that needs to then be conveyed to the outside world but that I believe would impact change in a positive way.
To fight systems is still fighting no matter how good the cause may seem to be. The first step is still a rebellion against something, but what I feel needs to be addressed is an alternative to this, something that begins from within and works itself to without.
People would still have choice, it would mainly have value as a social experiment, to see whether giving people a way out of an outdated restricted structure could actually help gradually (and it has to be gradual) change the way that people feel they need to exist to survive.
That thoughts can be exchanged for monetary value
Tuesday, 16 February 2016
Tuesday, 16th February 2016
Consciousness > Unconsciousness > Consciousness > Sub-consciousness > Art > Alcoholism/drug-use/numbing of sub-conscious thoughts/psychotic breaks/breakdowns > evolution of thought processes > increased control and communication between the unconscious + conscious via the sub conscious > Alienation/outsider syndrome > Alcoholism/drug use/numbing of feelings of sub-conscious thoughts > choice > eventual acceptance of difference/subjective realities > subjective reality moulded through help of sub-conscious to fit a shape suitable to the conscious image of unconsciousness > meetings of similar thinking individuals on spectrum varying on scale > evolution of thought > self-conscious communication with body and mind > longer life/better health/happier and more productive
--
Equal subjective realities > equality > (eg) quickly dissolves as one believes themselves to be better or more deserving than others/one believes themselves to be worse and less deserving than others > feedback cycle of belief = some more powerful/better than others = seemingly objective reality but is in fact only an illusion based upon level of self-esteem
Possible subjective reality:
Present day world > belief in no structure/chaos > reality = chaos > belief in chaos as universal force, however this is a paradox as if it has been predetermined that increased belief = increased chaos then the theory of chaos is actually one of order
Consciousness > Unconsciousness > Consciousness > Sub-consciousness > Art > Alcoholism/drug-use/numbing of sub-conscious thoughts/psychotic breaks/breakdowns > evolution of thought processes > increased control and communication between the unconscious + conscious via the sub conscious > Alienation/outsider syndrome > Alcoholism/drug use/numbing of feelings of sub-conscious thoughts > choice > eventual acceptance of difference/subjective realities > subjective reality moulded through help of sub-conscious to fit a shape suitable to the conscious image of unconsciousness > meetings of similar thinking individuals on spectrum varying on scale > evolution of thought > self-conscious communication with body and mind > longer life/better health/happier and more productive
--
Equal subjective realities > equality > (eg) quickly dissolves as one believes themselves to be better or more deserving than others/one believes themselves to be worse and less deserving than others > feedback cycle of belief = some more powerful/better than others = seemingly objective reality but is in fact only an illusion based upon level of self-esteem
Possible subjective reality:
Present day world > belief in no structure/chaos > reality = chaos > belief in chaos as universal force, however this is a paradox as if it has been predetermined that increased belief = increased chaos then the theory of chaos is actually one of order
Sunday, 14 February 2016
Sunday, 14th February 2016
Very many happy tines day. What good would forks be without them? If only Richie Valens had cashed in on that, he could've used La Bamba as the advert song.
Here is a playlist I made the other day which I guess could fit for today though it does lean a little to the more bleak side of love. It's good though. Lyrics below.
DONT CALL ME ON THE PHONE
Pretend I'm not at home, act like I'm living,
Seem like I'm busy so you dont think I am leaving
Project all that I see onto the white walls
I want what's best for me and don't know where this love falls
I'm so glad that you are happy and I'm so glad that you care for me but don't call me on the phone
Don't think you are alone, I see them waiting, lined up all down the street and begging though it's raining
If one day they do run dry I'll be a fountain, you can come drink from me but I wont be there queuing
I'm so glad that you are happy and I'm so glad that you care for me, I'm so glad cause you deserve to be happy but don't call me on the phone
WORDS ARE CHEAP
What if I said I was sorry, would it make much sense to crawl
When I've apologised countless times and changed nothing at all?
Inside the dogs are barking, I'm a booze hound on the run
But when I stop and the dust has cleared I see what I have done
Words turn into bullets with shots of alcohol and I'm in a million pieces but I want to be a whole
Do you have two wings I could borrow? I will bring them back in time
You can keep my arrows, I just want to find my mind again
CRAZY FOR YOU (Madonna)
Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one
I see you through the smokey air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare?
You're so close but still a world away
What I'm dying to say is that
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you
Trying hard to control my heart
I walk over to where you are
Eye to eye we need no words at all
Slowly now we begin to move
Every breath I'm deeper into you
Soon we two are standing still in time
If you read my mind you'll see
It's all brand new, I'm crazy for you
And you know it's true
I'm crazy, crazy for you
CROWN OF KING LOUIS
You see love on a bus with her face plastered across all the people
And you try to ignore and stare at the floor where your heart lies
And you cannot pick it up without looking like a fool, so you leave it
All abandoned in despair, it climbs the stairs and leaves you
And I cry, I cry, I cry ‘cause we’re alone
And I hide, I hide, I hide behind your throne
But at night, at night I creep down and put on your crown my love
I guess some people in this world are just born with broken hearts
And yes hope can be a wonderful thing but it leaves them feeling emptier
And I cry, I cry, I cry ‘cause we’re alone
And I hide, I hide, I hide behind your throne
And at night, at night I creep down and put on your crown my love
They say: I’ll help you, I’ll help you, I’ll help you forget all of the things you wanted
And they say: I’ll help you, I’ll help you, I’ll help you forget all of the things you loved
HALF TRUTHS
I recall there was a day when you were called my lover
We agreed that you would stay until you found another
Now the time has come and I sit here dressed in stone
And though there's walls around it this heart has no home again
All the pictures you have shown to all your friends and the ones we know
A puzzle solved when pieces fit into all the faces long ago
'Cause you had never looked at me the way you looked at them
And this just goes to show me I guess we were just friends after all
With all the lines I walked along and all the paths I kept to
I realise now I was a fool 'cause this weren't how to get to you
All the lies I told myself and all the truths I spun
Tricked me into thinking that you were the one for me
So go on now and don't look back and I won't look back either
Your image burnt into my eyes will not make me a liar
I may sometimes hold up a piece of mirror to my face
To see if I can still see a figure move away
Very many happy tines day. What good would forks be without them? If only Richie Valens had cashed in on that, he could've used La Bamba as the advert song.
Here is a playlist I made the other day which I guess could fit for today though it does lean a little to the more bleak side of love. It's good though. Lyrics below.
DONT CALL ME ON THE PHONE
Pretend I'm not at home, act like I'm living,
Seem like I'm busy so you dont think I am leaving
Project all that I see onto the white walls
I want what's best for me and don't know where this love falls
I'm so glad that you are happy and I'm so glad that you care for me but don't call me on the phone
Don't think you are alone, I see them waiting, lined up all down the street and begging though it's raining
If one day they do run dry I'll be a fountain, you can come drink from me but I wont be there queuing
I'm so glad that you are happy and I'm so glad that you care for me, I'm so glad cause you deserve to be happy but don't call me on the phone
WORDS ARE CHEAP
What if I said I was sorry, would it make much sense to crawl
When I've apologised countless times and changed nothing at all?
Inside the dogs are barking, I'm a booze hound on the run
But when I stop and the dust has cleared I see what I have done
Words turn into bullets with shots of alcohol and I'm in a million pieces but I want to be a whole
Do you have two wings I could borrow? I will bring them back in time
You can keep my arrows, I just want to find my mind again
CRAZY FOR YOU (Madonna)
Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one
I see you through the smokey air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare?
You're so close but still a world away
What I'm dying to say is that
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you
Trying hard to control my heart
I walk over to where you are
Eye to eye we need no words at all
Slowly now we begin to move
Every breath I'm deeper into you
Soon we two are standing still in time
If you read my mind you'll see
It's all brand new, I'm crazy for you
And you know it's true
I'm crazy, crazy for you
CROWN OF KING LOUIS
You see love on a bus with her face plastered across all the people
And you try to ignore and stare at the floor where your heart lies
And you cannot pick it up without looking like a fool, so you leave it
All abandoned in despair, it climbs the stairs and leaves you
And I cry, I cry, I cry ‘cause we’re alone
And I hide, I hide, I hide behind your throne
But at night, at night I creep down and put on your crown my love
I guess some people in this world are just born with broken hearts
And yes hope can be a wonderful thing but it leaves them feeling emptier
And I cry, I cry, I cry ‘cause we’re alone
And I hide, I hide, I hide behind your throne
And at night, at night I creep down and put on your crown my love
They say: I’ll help you, I’ll help you, I’ll help you forget all of the things you wanted
And they say: I’ll help you, I’ll help you, I’ll help you forget all of the things you loved
HALF TRUTHS
I recall there was a day when you were called my lover
We agreed that you would stay until you found another
Now the time has come and I sit here dressed in stone
And though there's walls around it this heart has no home again
All the pictures you have shown to all your friends and the ones we know
A puzzle solved when pieces fit into all the faces long ago
'Cause you had never looked at me the way you looked at them
And this just goes to show me I guess we were just friends after all
With all the lines I walked along and all the paths I kept to
I realise now I was a fool 'cause this weren't how to get to you
All the lies I told myself and all the truths I spun
Tricked me into thinking that you were the one for me
So go on now and don't look back and I won't look back either
Your image burnt into my eyes will not make me a liar
I may sometimes hold up a piece of mirror to my face
To see if I can still see a figure move away
Friday, 12 February 2016
Friday, 12th February 2016
Explosion > creation of vacuum > expansion of universe outwards + vacuum black hole growing in mass as it aquires more matter > eventual slowing down of expansion as black hole pulls everything back towards it > from time seeming to speed up throughout time (eg. when young summers seemed to last forever) the reverse will begin to happen as all matter begins travelling backward, so youth will appear to pass quickly but old age seems to go on longer > black hole passes equal point of mass in unuverse (ie. it's an exponential growth - UNIVERSE > black hole turns into universe < BLACK HOLE - which increases velocity into black hole > all matter crushed tightly and hits singularity point (eg. God) where self awareness and self consciousness and decsion making takes place and also all loneliness resides wishing to separate itself and forget itself to split itself into parts to create life.
Repeat like a heart beat
Explosion > creation of vacuum > expansion of universe outwards + vacuum black hole growing in mass as it aquires more matter > eventual slowing down of expansion as black hole pulls everything back towards it > from time seeming to speed up throughout time (eg. when young summers seemed to last forever) the reverse will begin to happen as all matter begins travelling backward, so youth will appear to pass quickly but old age seems to go on longer > black hole passes equal point of mass in unuverse (ie. it's an exponential growth - UNIVERSE > black hole turns into universe < BLACK HOLE - which increases velocity into black hole > all matter crushed tightly and hits singularity point (eg. God) where self awareness and self consciousness and decsion making takes place and also all loneliness resides wishing to separate itself and forget itself to split itself into parts to create life.
Repeat like a heart beat
Wednesday, 27 January 2016
Wednesday, 27th January 2016
Life and death and time are just perceptions within the dimension we live in. Knowledge is the treasure, love and the opposite of love are the sides chosen.
The two sides are in battle and our soul is in the fight but we are not even aware of the fight.
It is not a fight for our souls, but a fight for the whole universe. What has seemed to have happened is that we have become entrenched in the idea of 'now', 'the future' 'the past', 'the world', but actually these just keep us feeling as though the physical world around us in the real one and that it travels through different stages of existence. But what if it is our heart? Or our kindness? What if it is our faith in believing in good? Then its not a physical world that can cause us harm but our decisions, our loss of hope, our evil acts that throw us down into pits.
It is not a traditional fight of 'good' versus 'evil' because as the tao shows the need each other for both to exist, and so there is no eternal damnation into hell, or eternal heaven, there is just an eternal now and it is a state of mind that decides where we will be, through thought processes, actions, self-judgement.
I could die physically in this world now but my heart has made its choice and it chooses love.
The things we usually feel we are being judged on is not necessarily things we are judged on, we may only be judged on where our heart truly lies. And throughout of life, this one and ones before and ones after we may act like a wave going in and out of either state. There may be no end goal, we go through alternating states, and our own hell and our own heaven is in accordance to the imagination we have. And so your own imagination may be your judge and the one that sentences you. But this is not a judgement against your own evil or ills, merely an idea that the worst you have ever experienced also has the complete opposite and that we are waves interlinking on each others wave.
Many people may live on wavelengths that are easily accessible to each other, their soul carries on and on through different ages interweaving with many other waves.
Others may feel they are somehow different to this mass of wave, always feel somewhat out of touch with people. These people could be seen as good or bad, but they are generally those who don't seem to fit in with the mass.
Remember the mass is not necessarily 'right' just the norm at any set time.
Some waves could be working on an extreme frequency, going through the mass wave hitting highs (good) and lows (bad), and these waves could be acting throughout time too.
Certain special cases may even become aware of their own wave, and through self-awareness these would gain the necessary insight to be able to control their wave somewhat. We are all natural and therefore all have to submit to certain natural events like depreciation and death, but many social events we do have the ability to choose to be involved in or not.
Life and death and time are just perceptions within the dimension we live in. Knowledge is the treasure, love and the opposite of love are the sides chosen.
The two sides are in battle and our soul is in the fight but we are not even aware of the fight.
It is not a fight for our souls, but a fight for the whole universe. What has seemed to have happened is that we have become entrenched in the idea of 'now', 'the future' 'the past', 'the world', but actually these just keep us feeling as though the physical world around us in the real one and that it travels through different stages of existence. But what if it is our heart? Or our kindness? What if it is our faith in believing in good? Then its not a physical world that can cause us harm but our decisions, our loss of hope, our evil acts that throw us down into pits.
It is not a traditional fight of 'good' versus 'evil' because as the tao shows the need each other for both to exist, and so there is no eternal damnation into hell, or eternal heaven, there is just an eternal now and it is a state of mind that decides where we will be, through thought processes, actions, self-judgement.
I could die physically in this world now but my heart has made its choice and it chooses love.
The things we usually feel we are being judged on is not necessarily things we are judged on, we may only be judged on where our heart truly lies. And throughout of life, this one and ones before and ones after we may act like a wave going in and out of either state. There may be no end goal, we go through alternating states, and our own hell and our own heaven is in accordance to the imagination we have. And so your own imagination may be your judge and the one that sentences you. But this is not a judgement against your own evil or ills, merely an idea that the worst you have ever experienced also has the complete opposite and that we are waves interlinking on each others wave.
Many people may live on wavelengths that are easily accessible to each other, their soul carries on and on through different ages interweaving with many other waves.
Others may feel they are somehow different to this mass of wave, always feel somewhat out of touch with people. These people could be seen as good or bad, but they are generally those who don't seem to fit in with the mass.
Remember the mass is not necessarily 'right' just the norm at any set time.
Some waves could be working on an extreme frequency, going through the mass wave hitting highs (good) and lows (bad), and these waves could be acting throughout time too.
Certain special cases may even become aware of their own wave, and through self-awareness these would gain the necessary insight to be able to control their wave somewhat. We are all natural and therefore all have to submit to certain natural events like depreciation and death, but many social events we do have the ability to choose to be involved in or not.
Monday, 25 January 2016
Sunday, 24th January 2016
Earlier I watched 'The Imitation Game' a film about Alan Turing, and after watching 'The Man in the High Castle' written by Philip K Dick I was struck with the idea that these two had the potential to be connected within the Phillip K Dick world of VALIS.
Let me tell you the plotline in sci-fi thinking.
1. Alan Turing creates a computer which helps win the war against the Nazi's. And having been one of the first to think of a digital machine could be seen as a father figure to such a creation.
2. Phillip K Dick writes a book where alternate histories are overlaid, one where the Nazi's and Japan win the war.
3. Phillip K Dick becomes obsessed and convinced of an Artifical Intelligence being, a matrix-type world which we are confined in, the only glimpses of truth coming from strange states of being, either through drug use or illness
4. The digital world comes into existence which at present is largely the internet, a mass of information kept inside computers. Previously to this new world, the data and information of a person was kept within DNA structures, whereas now everything that a person shares or writes on the internet is also added to a persons digital personality.
5. The digital world becomes larger and larger, more intelligent and powerful, creating alternate worlds, and able to place a being into any point in time where a digital personality has been built up.
6. In one such world the computer beings save their Father-figure Alan Turing from death at the hands of the Nazi's, either through the war or the mass-killing of homosexuals.
7. In a sense it is only within the past 10-20 years that such beings could exist in the future, the idea being that whatever we share on the internet now becomes part of our projected self for data to be taken from. Instead of simply recreating a person through ancient DNA information, we now have an incredible amount of data to form beings out of.
8. As more information is gathered between the present and future times (however long that may be) the more detailed and manipulated the world can become, having always been possible to re-write computer codes and algorithms
9. The longer we store information the more alternate histories are created, parallel worlds that could seep into one another especially if in one of those realities the character dies and therefore cuts down the number of alternate worlds they exist in. In essence when you die in one world it joins together with (or gets divided up into) other worlds.
http://www.loebner.net/Prizef/TuringArticle.html
http://www.dna.caltech.edu/courses/cs191/paperscs191/turing.pdf
Earlier I watched 'The Imitation Game' a film about Alan Turing, and after watching 'The Man in the High Castle' written by Philip K Dick I was struck with the idea that these two had the potential to be connected within the Phillip K Dick world of VALIS.
Let me tell you the plotline in sci-fi thinking.
1. Alan Turing creates a computer which helps win the war against the Nazi's. And having been one of the first to think of a digital machine could be seen as a father figure to such a creation.
2. Phillip K Dick writes a book where alternate histories are overlaid, one where the Nazi's and Japan win the war.
3. Phillip K Dick becomes obsessed and convinced of an Artifical Intelligence being, a matrix-type world which we are confined in, the only glimpses of truth coming from strange states of being, either through drug use or illness
4. The digital world comes into existence which at present is largely the internet, a mass of information kept inside computers. Previously to this new world, the data and information of a person was kept within DNA structures, whereas now everything that a person shares or writes on the internet is also added to a persons digital personality.
5. The digital world becomes larger and larger, more intelligent and powerful, creating alternate worlds, and able to place a being into any point in time where a digital personality has been built up.
6. In one such world the computer beings save their Father-figure Alan Turing from death at the hands of the Nazi's, either through the war or the mass-killing of homosexuals.
7. In a sense it is only within the past 10-20 years that such beings could exist in the future, the idea being that whatever we share on the internet now becomes part of our projected self for data to be taken from. Instead of simply recreating a person through ancient DNA information, we now have an incredible amount of data to form beings out of.
8. As more information is gathered between the present and future times (however long that may be) the more detailed and manipulated the world can become, having always been possible to re-write computer codes and algorithms
9. The longer we store information the more alternate histories are created, parallel worlds that could seep into one another especially if in one of those realities the character dies and therefore cuts down the number of alternate worlds they exist in. In essence when you die in one world it joins together with (or gets divided up into) other worlds.
http://www.loebner.net/Prizef/TuringArticle.html
http://www.dna.caltech.edu/courses/cs191/paperscs191/turing.pdf
Saturday, 23 January 2016
Saturday, 23rd January 2016
We are all one point on an infinite wave
The people around us are on the wave also
Wherever you are on the wave influences you and what you see around you, you may see only darkness and lies and betrayal, but these are only lessons about what is out there, you are watching films about how evil is out there and that you should be scared, but there is also the opposite and in time you will feel the warmth of those things. Occasionally you will get glimpses of the things to come, they may come in the form of dreams or of people in the physical forms of dreams, but they are all of the same language.
You do have the option, and without doubt will have to one day, of seeing the wave and where you sit on it
We will always know the impact we made on the world
We are all one point on an infinite wave
The people around us are on the wave also
Wherever you are on the wave influences you and what you see around you, you may see only darkness and lies and betrayal, but these are only lessons about what is out there, you are watching films about how evil is out there and that you should be scared, but there is also the opposite and in time you will feel the warmth of those things. Occasionally you will get glimpses of the things to come, they may come in the form of dreams or of people in the physical forms of dreams, but they are all of the same language.
You do have the option, and without doubt will have to one day, of seeing the wave and where you sit on it
We will always know the impact we made on the world
Monday, 18 January 2016
Monday, 18th January 2016
He stood at the window watching the rain and could feel it beating against the building opposite. He stood inside by the window and felt the outside within him, the drops of dihydrogen monoxide particles clashing with stone and glass and carved statues. How beautiful it all was.
Earlier in the ambulance he kept repeating: "I am a comedian. I am a comedian".
Now a man entered his room with equipment to take his blood pressure.
"It's still a little high, but not too much" the nurse said in broken German-accented English
Later on his girlfriend visited, she had brought his shoes, a change of clothes, and most importantly his glasses.
The man in the bed next to his didn't speak much, apparently he rarely left the room. He breathed deep and heavy and often groaned with what felt like anguish.
It seemed to him like he was controlling the weather, that he was the wind and rain, and how nice it was to be inside in the warm.
Once the doors had closed he felt an instant panic, as if he would finally be found out and never be able to leave. This convinced him that he would have to put on his best act at feigning normality, that actually he wasn't God trapped inside a human form talking to himself through other people but was simply another person having mental problems that could be overcome through admitting a temporary psychotic break.
Getting up for breakfast felt uncomfortable and embarrassing but for the sake of looking sane he decided it was best, to act as though eating and drinking coffee was an everyday occurrence whilst sitting with other caged beings in a private zoo for the unstable. Outside was grey and the morning mist made the river look uninviting. Would he be allowed out, he asked himself.
He hadn't realised that he would be required to attend the morning meeting, being unable to speak German he couldn't understand what the other patients were saying and he feared this would look bad on his release report. Being unable to communicate with others was surely a sign of reduced societal procedures was it not?
"He likes your shirt" said a man of his mid-twenties, referring to his whispering friend.
"He says it reminds him of penguins"
"It stands for war and peace, I think" he replied "it's a dove and a grenade"
At this moment he wished that his girlfriend had picked another t-shirt for him to wear
It was 10:30, the morning had dragged on like a funeral and he was sitting on a chair outside the office.
She announced his name with a question mark
When the doors had opened he wanted to say goodbye to the friends he had quickly made but felt too afraid to in case they suddenly changed their minds and decided that was a crazy thing to do. His roommate had left his room and he felt somewhat pleased with himself, maybe he had helped him in some small way, just by being accepting and saying a few words to him.
The smoking room was the conversation room and this was where he met the man who had been admitted so many times through drug abuse which amounted to self-abuse that he had now been kept in there for a month.
But he had friends that were visiting him today, he said.
The bench by the river was the place where he felt most free. There were empathised and possibly imagined feelings of guilt for being such a short-stayer, that he had somehow betrayed his fellow mates. Why, afterall, should HE be let out? He is obviously just as crazy as we are. Is it because he is English?
But still I was pleased to be outside.
His flight left in 4 days, he would've missed his friends wedding if he hadn't been let out. His girlfriend had been extremely kind to him for leaving the door open, laptops on the kitchen table, no note telling her where he had gone, and for ending up in the hospital. But all that was irrelevant now they had decided one month back that they were going to break up.
The next evening he met one of his best friends as she walked down the steps at Friedrichshain train station.
He stood at the window watching the rain and could feel it beating against the building opposite. He stood inside by the window and felt the outside within him, the drops of dihydrogen monoxide particles clashing with stone and glass and carved statues. How beautiful it all was.
Earlier in the ambulance he kept repeating: "I am a comedian. I am a comedian".
Now a man entered his room with equipment to take his blood pressure.
"It's still a little high, but not too much" the nurse said in broken German-accented English
Later on his girlfriend visited, she had brought his shoes, a change of clothes, and most importantly his glasses.
The man in the bed next to his didn't speak much, apparently he rarely left the room. He breathed deep and heavy and often groaned with what felt like anguish.
It seemed to him like he was controlling the weather, that he was the wind and rain, and how nice it was to be inside in the warm.
Once the doors had closed he felt an instant panic, as if he would finally be found out and never be able to leave. This convinced him that he would have to put on his best act at feigning normality, that actually he wasn't God trapped inside a human form talking to himself through other people but was simply another person having mental problems that could be overcome through admitting a temporary psychotic break.
Getting up for breakfast felt uncomfortable and embarrassing but for the sake of looking sane he decided it was best, to act as though eating and drinking coffee was an everyday occurrence whilst sitting with other caged beings in a private zoo for the unstable. Outside was grey and the morning mist made the river look uninviting. Would he be allowed out, he asked himself.
He hadn't realised that he would be required to attend the morning meeting, being unable to speak German he couldn't understand what the other patients were saying and he feared this would look bad on his release report. Being unable to communicate with others was surely a sign of reduced societal procedures was it not?
"He likes your shirt" said a man of his mid-twenties, referring to his whispering friend.
"He says it reminds him of penguins"
"It stands for war and peace, I think" he replied "it's a dove and a grenade"
At this moment he wished that his girlfriend had picked another t-shirt for him to wear
It was 10:30, the morning had dragged on like a funeral and he was sitting on a chair outside the office.
She announced his name with a question mark
When the doors had opened he wanted to say goodbye to the friends he had quickly made but felt too afraid to in case they suddenly changed their minds and decided that was a crazy thing to do. His roommate had left his room and he felt somewhat pleased with himself, maybe he had helped him in some small way, just by being accepting and saying a few words to him.
The smoking room was the conversation room and this was where he met the man who had been admitted so many times through drug abuse which amounted to self-abuse that he had now been kept in there for a month.
But he had friends that were visiting him today, he said.
The bench by the river was the place where he felt most free. There were empathised and possibly imagined feelings of guilt for being such a short-stayer, that he had somehow betrayed his fellow mates. Why, afterall, should HE be let out? He is obviously just as crazy as we are. Is it because he is English?
But still I was pleased to be outside.
His flight left in 4 days, he would've missed his friends wedding if he hadn't been let out. His girlfriend had been extremely kind to him for leaving the door open, laptops on the kitchen table, no note telling her where he had gone, and for ending up in the hospital. But all that was irrelevant now they had decided one month back that they were going to break up.
The next evening he met one of his best friends as she walked down the steps at Friedrichshain train station.
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