Saturday, 6th November 2021

I just want to say sorry to anyone I've ever hurt or upset. I know they most likely won't ever read this but there's the need to share it somewhere. I'm a person with many faults and I feel the weight of them every day, of every word I've ever said, every misunderstanding, every impulsive move I've ever made and their consquences. I've never seen myself as a malicious person and I don't wish any harm to anyone but the simple act of existing seems to create situations where I wished I had acted differently, to have known the things I know now, and to know the mistakes I will make in the future and to avoid them.
Call it mental illness, call it ignorance or lack of sense, call it whatever you feel it to be. I have no right to expect anything from anyone, any understanding or forgiveness. How people will see things and how I will see things will always have moments of disconnect. But that doesn't mean I don't feel the guilt and shame every day of wishing those people understood where I was coming from, and it doesn't change the fact that I wish I could express myself better and in more positive ways so they wouldn't feel those things in the first place.

I just want everyone to know that I'm sorry, and that if I could have never hurt anyone I would be so pleased, but I have, and I take full responsibility for it. There aren't excuses in this world really, but I always wish that I could do better

Saturday, 30th October 2021

Thoughts of today:

I have felt spiritually as an adult-child who’s had to look after other children. Acting knowledgeable and mature whilst actually still being immature myself.

This isn’t a self-reprimand but just an observation. I don’t need to heap the pressure on myself to be the one that tries to fix things or push to get people to do things they aren't interested in or are not ready for. Much like an overbearing child in the playground barking orders, maybe with the best of intentions but still a child and ignorantly acting more mature than they really are.

Understanding that by thinking ‘I’m just trying to help’ and feeling responsible for others' wellbeing or predicaments is an arrogance. It may be well-intentioned but it is based upon the foundation of feeling you know something that others do not and therefore it is somewhat condescending.

To acknowledge that you are still a child, that actually you don’t know all that much, and that you should restrain yourself from taking responsibility for others takes the pressure off of your shoulders. The weight that you have placed there yourself.

To be selfish and say ‘I do not know, therefore I will try to help myself before trying to help others’ is actually more useful than trying to help others when you can’t even help yourself.

From a young age: ‘looking out for’ or ‘trying to protect’ or ‘taking charge of’.

These things within themselves can be seen as ‘good’ attributes. But that is taking on the weight of other peoples problems or lessons.

‘Who is looking after you?’ Is an important question because if you are looking after others and no one is really looking after you then how can you be sure you’re really doing a good job.

By saying to yourself: ‘Here I am, looking after all these people, and yet noone is looking after me!’ Is a surefire way to instill anger, frustration and resentment within yourself.

It is not their job to look after you or believe you deserve some sort of reciprocation, the fact is is that it’s not your responsibility to look after them at all.

And you don't need to.

Look after yourself and take the weight of others off of your shoulders, focus on yourself and you won’t carry around so much pressure or negativity.

You take on other peoples burdens because you can actually 'feel' it. You feel their struggle and you incorporate it into yourself and so you imagine you have taken some of the burden from them and so you act as if you are owed something for taking on this burden. But they still hold it, it’s just that you have now taken on some form of it too. One that is purely self-invented, somewhat imaginary, and now slightly disconnected from the original burden they held.

Maybe this makes a difference but it also may not.

It may all just be a burden you now carry without any help to others and so you haven’t really helped at all, and so you should not think that anybody ever owes you anything

 Monday, 18th October 2021

 

Tuesday, 31st August 2021

I'm sitting alone in a friends flat down in Easbourne. I have the whole place to myself for the next 3 days. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do. I got here at about 7:30pm, went shopping, bought some food and wine. Watched an episode of 'Tales from the Loop'. Smoked a couple of cigarettes outside. Tried filming a live version of one of my songs which didn't work out for various reasons.

Now I'm listening to an old acquaintance's song https://megadud.bandcamp.com/track/sad-dog-waiting-for-pizza and thinking. Wrote the last piece and have now started this one.

I guess this one is more for a snapshot of time than anything else. But who knows? Anything can go anywhere if we let it.

So let's let it.

--

How heartbroken are you? I myself am and have always been very heartbroken.

Do you think there's a way out of the heartbreak you feel?
I still hope there is but have very little faith now. It would almost have to be an otherworldly experience. Or the almost nigh impossible hope that someone from the past would actually change their opinions.
But I find that no-one ever seems to do that. I wonder why. I wonder if I also don't?

So far it my personal experience is that your existence is very very personal, as in no-one else seems to really understand or even have the desire to understand it.
This isn't a 'poor me' stance, merely one that I have experienced, and I can't tell if that's because we are all ultimately very self-obsessed with our own story and don't give time to others, or if we just haven't found a way to connect them.

I don't hate anyone I've ever known. I have felt extreme disappointment and had my heart broken by many, but I always wish them happiness after our chapter is finished.
I tend to hold on too much to my past. And only recently am I trying a new way, a way to leave the past behind.
This isn't based on anything other than the simple question 'How does this person make me feel?'
If overall I feel bad within myself then I am now trying to let the past go. Often it seems that they have already done so but I am simply lagging behind.
No maliciousness, simply trying to find a more positive path.
I still hold very strong feelings for my friends when I was 12/13/14 but they have long since left me behind, so it seems silly to still carry those feelings of grief after 25 years.
And taking that thought forward it seems silly to carry grief for people who don't seem to share your feelings, whether that was 10 / 5 or 2 years ago.
 

The more past you carry on your shoulders the harder it is to move forward.
I constantly have about 15 years on my back. So forgive me if I look or act tired.

Tuesday, 31st August 2021

I'm not sure when my generation were sold the 'everything will be fine' lie or who society created it but I find it very confusing and disappointing.

Growing up in the 90's I had a very unrealistic view of the future. My parents had worked their way up to self-employment and a relatively succesful car mechanic business.

Was it my parents naivete and ignorance of how the world worked, or was it just different back then? In the 80's the idea that you could one day own a house and have a family wasn't an impossible dream. I wonder if their experience in doing so was somehow red herring, that actually they didn't realise that they had been in an affluent time, and somewhat lucky in their success. That actually when it all fell apart and their children would attempt to do the same that it was basically an impossible task.

Generation x got the depression of the realization that it was all over, but still they had the opportunity to succeed at that, as the boom of the 80s didn’t crash till the late 90s

The millennials had to deal with the depressive/hopeless 90s and the realization that they would struggle through any kind of career with any meaning as well as having the collapse of the industry’s they were brought up on

The generation after had grown up on negativity and pessimism and so actually that worked in their favour as they decided to find a new way and that new way was via the Internet. The only structure left to create and profit from and that negativity didn’t work anymore so they became overly positive in their outward persona.

And I would guess that a positive outlook improves your chances at success, as most people do want to feel positive and they see that as a good trait to have

Now I am writing this drunk, I have no experience in studying history or sociology in any educacational form, and so I am most probably wrong on many things. 

But again we would have to say that 50 years ago people could share opinions and maybe educational background wasn't seen as such a necessity, maybe it would just be spoken about in a pub or cafe, and then their friends would share their opinions.

But we don't live in that world now. If I were to share any idea or opinion online it would be torn apart in seconds by someone better educated or clearer with their words, or simply someone having a more popular opinion. And this is where we suffer. I feel like we are entering a world where you cannot actually express yourself without ridicule or someone demeaning you. And there is usually no reason for that to happen as the person is just as ignorant as you in some other way. 

I was reading a book earlier from the early 1900's, just a person sharing their thoughts and views of the world, and I was reminded how rare that is nowadays. We so often put other peoples views ahead of our own and become afraid to share our own as we maybe haven't got them all quite figured out just yet. But that is the idea behind collaboration and working together and not tearing each other down which is where I find myself too often today.

It kindof made me want to become a writer someday